Feeling a bit stupid. A bit sensitive.

I went to bed well after midnight, Angus wasn't tired. I slept, but woke frequently to the sound of his videos, and then more recently had a nightmare then was roused by the sound of his keyboard.

He then came straight to bed and went straight to sleep, with me wide awake at four in the morning. When he asked me what the time was, he lied to me and said half two or three. I'm not an idiot, even after sleep I know roughly what time it was. Eventually he did go "it's closer to four. Half two or three is just when I looked at the clock last, which was a while ago". No shit it was a while ago - it was roughly the time the last time I'd woken up and asked.

Nightmares aren't pleasant and I'd have liked to talk about it but he waited five minutes before putting in his podcast and dropping off the edge of sleep cliff.
So basically, he's worn himself out, keeping me from a good night's sleep in the process, but now that he's tired it's straight off to bed and I can just deal with it.

That kind of annoys me but in reality what am I meant to do, keep him up? I asked him to come to bed several times during the night, and was told at first, just half an hour.

I have to write 5000 words this weekend, and have no doubt in my mind he'll sleep in til eleven or so because he stayed up so late. It's easy to stay up late when you're staring at a screen. But it's a choice. And that keyboard is LOUD.

So he'll sleep in, and I'll have to write my two essays on five hours sleep. Awesome.

But what can I do? Since I woke up, I'm wide awake.

I miss having my own space.

Right now, I want to go out and be somewhere else. But where would I go? What would I do?

I don't want to keep him up either - that would be vindictive, selfish. But I'm awake because of his actions, and now I want to do things.

Not sure what to do without waking him. He's entitled to sleep just as much as I am. Cross stitch patterns maybe?

So in love

He wants to spend our lives together
He wants us to have forever

He knows everything there is to know about me and he loves me for it, not in spite of it.

He makes me so happy!
I'm so blessed to have him.
Truly the luckiest woman in the world.

I want to be there for him in any way he needs over the next little while. It's going to be hard for him but I'll be there every step of the way.

I love him to the moon and back, and I'll always be on his side.

Do I even exist to you any more?
It's been months. I'm happy, but I do miss my friend.

Please don't stay away forever.

Also in related news, it turns out the DoT has cancelled my car rego :/

In all likelihood I will now have to put the car over the pits due to THEIR error.

I am less than pleased D:

This feels like it will be both drawn-out and costly, and with everything else going on and uni going back, I just don't know if I can deal with much more on my plate right now...

Getting mighty annoyed with life.

Facebook told me my friend, or former friend, I'm actually not entirely sure any more - has moved out. I'm happy for him.

The same post also asked if anybody had any tips for him.

I've held my tongue in an attempt not to be nasty or come across as bitter, because that's not how I feel.

But now that it seems relevant to a couple of people in my life, let me lay out Imperfect Ash's Golden Rules You Need To Know Out Of Home:

1. You can't just stop paying rent or stop talking to your housemates because "something feels weird" so probably best to steer clear of that sort of commitment if you're incapable of actually sticking something out. Fairweather friends make for shitty housemates. Welcome to the real world, where people expect you to see something through when you make a commitment.

2. Don't take advantage of other people's money and stuff. We all borrow sometimes. But if you want to drink a whole jar of expensive chai, Ash suggests buying your own rather than drinking hers without asking.

I'm not mad, or bitter. Just wistful.

I have everything I could want in Angus, he makes me feel safe, loved, valued and happy. He makes me laugh. He touches me in public. He shows me off to his friends. He's not perfect, sometimes he frustrates the crap out of me but he wears his heart on his sleeve and we mean the world to each other.

Jay says he thinks Jacob is a bit cooler than Angus, and so he likes Jacob better. I actually don't blame him. Jacob is a hell of a cool dude. I know he's been messaging Jay, Jay asked me if I was okay with it and I'm actually really excited they still talk.

I don't miss anything about our relationship, not a single thing. A lot of it was very hard, or didn't sit well. What I have now feels incredibly natural in comparison.

However, what I miss is my friend. 

I miss our chats and hanging out and talking about all manner of things.

But I don't miss it enough not to be a bit dark about everything that's happened, the patterns, and the fact that the same things happened again and again no matter how sorry we apparently were.

I don't have time for people who don't have time for me.

It seems every time something bad has happened the number one consistent thing I've noticed is I've looked around and the one person who promised to be there hasn't been.

I'm not mad, I'm not bitter, but it does make me sad.

I miss my friend, and I'm glad he and Jay are talking, but it does hurt to be ignored when so much is going on. Not even so much as an, "I hope you're doing okay."

I guess in the end he said it best when he said that I cared too much and people would take advantage.

I didn't think that was what it was but as time as gone on what am I supposed to think?

Seems like friendship only came first for me.

Found out tonight they put Omi in a home.

Unhappy. She only told me because I said I was going to go visit.

Dad goes for another CT tomorrow morning.

I feel like everything is falling apart.

Been having nightmares every night. Really need some friends to talk to right now.

Meeting Alice for lunch, then working tonight with Angus. Going away this weekend with him, Caris and Dylan.

Meeting Phillip next Wednesday morning too :) but I've barely been able to speak to him for the last few weeks, I thought I'd wronged him terribly :/

I miss talking to Jacob but it is what it is. My dad had a brain haemorrhage.
Ah no, hope he's okay!
Fair enough, I'll stop now. Have a good one :/

Need to help Bridget out with her centrelink application sometime.

Have told Ed to not speak to me or contact me in any way shape or form for the next while... a message which he replied to *sigh*

Reminds me of Dash. I think he's causing a lot of the nightmares as well as the other stuff.