Love

Emotions are tricky beasts.

Love is the trickiest of them all.

I love you. I love your roguish smile which you can only do when you aren't thinking about it. I love your freckles. I love your strong arms and the way that when you hug me from behind it feels like you envelope all of me because I fit just below your shoulder. I love the way you kiss my forehead when you know I need tenderness. I love the way you call me Ashe. I love your crows feet. I love your thick, curly hair.

And I can't stand the way that sometimes I feel the most alone with you next to me. The way that I feel more like your mother than your girlfriend. Your forgetfulness and unreliability have always annoyed me but I have accepted them as part and parcel of who you are, and who you will always be.

I love your conviction. I love the way that you feel with such certainty that you know what is right and what is so very wrong with our world. I love that it gives you a sense of purpose because I know it is a big part of your identity.

I hate your conviction. I hate the way that you feel with such certainty that there can be no other way than the one you have accepted as fact. I hate that your mind is closed to other ways. I hate that you cannot see the merit in other arguments because they are not condoned by yours.

I love that you think differently to me. I love that you make me question myself, my beliefs, my thoughts.
It bothers me that you never seem to question yours.

I feel that something is missing inside of me. I do not know if the thing that is missing in me is also missing in you. What I do know is that I need to find it before it's too late.

We are so different, and yet in some ways we are the same.
Too different? I can't answer that question because I don't have that knowledge. I wish I did.

I wish you every happiness and every joy. I want to be a part of that happiness but I wonder if that is possible, or whether the happiness I am destined for is a different happiness.

I want to be with you because I love you. The love I have for you is as deep and as vast and as immovable as as an ocean, and yet I feel that maybe that isn't enough. Being with you, loving you like this, hurts. And it hurts all the more because you are just trying to do your best. I wish you'd hit me, I wish you'd swear, I wish you'd do anything but your best because it breaks my heart to watch you try and to feel this emptiness.

We are a safe place.

This is a safe place. This is mine, this is yours, this is ours.

Nothing can hurt you here. You can be yourself. You can be weak, you can be strong. You can cry, you can laugh. If you cannot reach the stars we will lift you. If you cannot stand, then we'll sit with you. Here you can be yourself, reveal your true face and be loved for it. You don't have to pretend here. We don't care if you are tall or you are short, we don't care if you are smart or you are dumb, we don't care if you can read or not, we don't care how much money you have.

This place is yours and this place is mine.

If you do not know then we will teach you. If you do not have the means then we will give them to you.
Our strength is in our unity, and I will not have that threatened by the actions of one.

Step up, my girl, or step out. I like you but I will not continue to tolerate your actions toward others.
You are making others cry, you are making them hurt, you are intimidating them and I will not allow that.
And so we have struck a verbal agreement, which will soon become a written one, for as you have discovered words have power.
If, on any activity or night it is brought to my attention that you have brought physical or emotional pain to another through any action or word then I will immediately call your parents and you will be sent home.
If it so transpires that you still do not appreciate the seriousness of the situation and you again hurt another through word or action I will again call your parents to collect you. But this time there will be a difference, because I will tell them that you are no longer welcome in our troop.
You could be a driving force here. You could teach the younger ones, you could have them look up to you, you could be a role model. Instead you choose to be lazy, to be a bad example, and to hurt others for no reason. It cannot continue and so I have laid out my conditions and you have agreed. I only hope you meant it.

Another bad day.

I'm annoyed and I don't know why. Well I do. I know why I'm annoyed. The comment that got under my skin. But I know in my head that it wasn't meant to, that it's trivial, and not worth a second thought. I know that in my head.

But what was one comment slid into another, and what was annoyance has become something else, has nosedived into something resembling anger but different. A poisonous, bitter rage that tries to make me push people away with snarky comments and insults. The kind of feeling that makes a child that has been hit at home lash out at another child at school. I want to lash out and I'm fighting myself now.

And all I can feel other than this desire to hurt someone is pain. Oh the pain! Because I don't want to hurt anybody else, I want to hurt me. My problems are my own and nobody else should be hurt by them.

For so long I've stopped myself from hurting myself, but now, right now, all I want to do is cut myself open and watch the blood flow. I can feel it, and I can feel myself watching myself feel this, with a sort of horrified fascination. I want to stick my head under a pillow and scream, but I don't want it to be a pillow. I want it to be the ocean and I want to drown. I want it to be a train track and a freight train on its way. I want it to be the vacuum of space where I am nothing and I cannot feel.

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE. I want to bleed and I think I want to stop being here altogether. But maybe I don't.

I don't want to be alone and maybe the way I've been trying to say it has been too subtle, too easily dismissed as unimportant. I love my own company! I'm not worried about being in my own company. I'm sick of being ALONE. That doesn't mean I'm the only one here, it means that I might as well be. This is not going to be fixed by me phoning a friend and having them come round for drinks! That is not the solution because it doesn't matter how many people are here, I am alone.
There are only three people I can think of that I want by my side right now. Only three people with whom I don't feel like I'm shouting through a wall to get some muffled words through. One I've just severed ties with, for the last time I think. THAT HURTS and now I can't even call and say that I need him because I have no right to do so after telling him to get out of my life. Another is on the other side of the planet and that's not conducive to anything at all. The other is going to an SA meeting and won't be home for hours.

And I don't even know if I want them, not really, because while I want to sob into someone's chest and I want to be held I still want to hurt and I still want to do those things and I know they won't let me.

I think I need someone tonight and there is nobody here.

I keep forgetting how incredible music is.

And I keep forgetting why I don't listen to classical stuff more.

CASE IN POINT...




Also the decode/ET mashup was pretty good...




And always good for a laugh, Bieber and Slipknot!




aaaaaaaaaaaand I'm done!
For now..

What the hell am I doing here?

Kawehi's TOY Kickstarter Cover Series - Creep from Kawehi on Vimeo.

What Can You Say When You Have No Words?

Normally I try and use the sense of being alone like a shield, protecting me.

But today I feel that sense of aloneness turning on me. I am one person in an infinite abyss. I am a speck of dust in the cosmos. I am something, but I am surrounded by nothing.

I feel that there are no words to describe it. I've been dreaming again; the vivid imagery is good at making me realise that something is wrong and put words to it.

I had a daydream earlier. I was walking to the park down the road to talk to someone on the phone. When I got there, there was a man with a gun. I approached him, my friend listening over the phone. I told him not to do it, not to shoot himself. I told him I understood. He looked at me then, tears streaking his face, and I saw that he saw that I was telling the truth. I took a step closer and looked him dead in the eye.
"I understand," I said softly. "I'm there too. It gets better I promise". As I said it though, I knew it was a lie. He asked if it really did get better. I told him that every day was a struggle, that sometimes it feels like you're gasping for air and breathing water. He nodded, and I was struck by how handsome he was. This was someone who should have had everything going for him.
"I know how it feels. I know it feels like your heart is being torn from your chest. I know the pain, the physical pain, even though it never leaves a mark. I know that feeling. Do you ever want to hurt yourself, just so that you can see a mark to go with the pain you feel?"
I could see in his eyes that something that I'd said had resonated with him. He knew that I knew how he felt. He knew that I'd somehow, inexplicably, gotten past it. I saw the beginnings of hope glimmer in his eyes along with the tears.
I told him it wasn't easy, that the ache did lessen but that sometimes it came back and you had to be stronger. I told him that it wasn't easy but it was worth it. I told him to sit and talk to me for a while.
"If you still want to commit suicide tomorrow, then do it. But not here, now, on a whim. Do it after thinking and reflecting for a full day. If it's really what you want, then I will not stand in your way."
He said that he'd been kicked out of home for being gay. Bitterly, I thought to myself that I'd rather have been kicked out than to have been laughed at and dismissed. I told him to stay at my house for the night.
He looked at me and he said simply "be stronger" and he put the gun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger.


I feel that ache in my chest. I feel like something has its grip on my heart and is tearing it out through my chest. It hurts and it is constant.
And I feel so alone. I feel that I have nobody even though I know in my head that this is not true.
The nightmares are coming back, and as I'm sleepier during the day they are coming to me as daydreams now as well. I want them to stop but for this to happen I need someone that I trust and who makes me feel safe to hold me and to be next to me and to banish the darkness.
The darkness is creeping up and surrounding me again and I'm not sure how long I can keep it away for. It whispers to me all the negative thoughts that I know not to be true.
I'm not against suicide but I don't think my time is come yet. I will keep fighting the darkness but I do wonder if eventually it will win. It will never disappear completely, it will always be there at the edge of my vision.

He shot himself right in front of me, and I felt a part of me die too. And I was ok with that.


I need a light to banish the darkness. I don't know how to find that light. Is it a person? Is it a matter of me saying "enough"?

Tears

This video made me cry.
This girl makes me ashamed that I am not standing up and doing more. I'm one of those adults she is referring to. I sit here in my home and I am comfortable. I could do more. I should do more.

I remember a conversation I had with Shane about fostering children. His argument was that we should not foster children because it wasn't our burden to bear - it's society's burden.

Well, this video reminds me of my response to that statement.

Society is not some abstract thing, far-off and discrete from us. WE ARE SOCIETY.

If all of us do something small, something huge happens. If I foster one child, I will not change the world. But I will change the world of that child. That is worth something! That's worth everything as far as that child is concerned. Do not tell me that because I cannot fix the system, because I cannot correct the cause, that I should not contribute!
If everybody did what they could then a lot of problems would be fixed. We can't do it on our own.

But do not tell me that I do not have an obligation to do something. Because I do. We all do. There's no point trying to pin blame on this shapeless, intangible thing called "society". We are the people that make up society. We are society - society is us. We can make a change. It is up to us to stand up and make our voices heard, to demand change and to at the same time do what we can to make that change happen.

I have no intention, unlike some, of standing on my soapbox and preaching about what should be done while expecting someone else to do it. I fully expect to foster children. I donate money to charity. I volunteer at a scout troop. I'd be prepared to adopt a child. Little angers me more than people who will look me in the eye and whinge about some flaw in the system and tell me what should be done, but to take no steps whatsoever to see that goal realised.

Open relationship

I'm now in an open relationship with my boyfriend, who I've been with for two years. We decided to make some rules and I figured I should put them somewhere that I can find them again.

So, here goes...

1.    I do not automatically need to know anytime anything goes down between you and somebody else. Similarly, I do not automatically need to disclose to you if something goes down between me and somebody else. We don't own each other and don't need to ask for permission or validation from each other.

2.    If we do ask for details of what the other has done, be honest. Full disclosure if it is asked for. This information is not a right, it is a sign of trust. I will likely only ask you for details if something is troubling me.

3.    If something is bothering either of us, we talk about it. We suspend any plans we may have had with anybody else until such time as we are both comfortable with the situation.

4.    The fact that we do not automatically need to disclose who we're with and what we're doing with them does not mean that we have to sneak around. It's not about keeping things a secret from each other or having to cover our tracks. It's about respecting our own right to privacy as well as not putting each other in a position where we may feel uncomfortable. So don't sneak around - say you're going out with a girl if you're going out with a girl. But know that that is all I need to know, and I'm ok with that.

5.    Realise that I will continue to hang out with and see the same people I always have. I'm not suddenly shagging everything that moves in the same way that you're doing the same things you always have, and you're not shagging everything that moves. Try not to look at routine social gatherings and interactions with suspicion. If something concerns you, ask. Don't let things eat away at you even if you feel the like a bit of a douche for asking. I forgive you.

6.    I realise that most romantic relationships end. And that's ok. I realise that in taking on an open relationship I am also taking on many of my own insecurities. As tempting as it is to keep you all for myself so that you don't meet someone else you like better, I know that could happen anytime. Or we could grow apart. The fact that I don't want it to happen doesn't make it less likely. And so I say to you now, if you do meet someone else and you fall in love with them, that's ok. If you meet someone else and you genuinely want to try and make a life with them, that's ok. It will hurt and I will hurt but I will not stand in the way of your happiness because I love you. You aren't mine to own. And so I ask of you that should I fall in love with somebody else, should I find somebody else, that you will attempt to take this development with good grace and to concede that you do not own me either. I will not stand in the way of your happiness and I ask that you do not stand in the way of mine. I know that you have the emotional maturity to do this and I think I do too.

7.    If you are going out with someone and you expect that you will be out late, please let me know in advance if you can. This does not just apply to romantic prospects, it's just courteous. You do not want to be sitting at home wondering where I am and when I'll be home and pissed off because I took the car and you would have gone out if you'd known I wasn't home. By letting the other know, we can make an informed decision as to what we're going to do that evening.

8.    If you or I are going out with a romantic prospect and we think there is a possibility of staying out late or overnight, we will let the other know at least a few days beforehand. This is just courteous and means that if I am going out overnight you can arrange to meet someone that night as well or see friends instead of sitting at home and fuming because you'd wanted to watch movies together or something.

9.    Where possible, stay at the other person's house.

10.    In addition to #8, if it so eventuates that we are bringing someone back to our house, text and let the other know. You do not want to wake up one morning and walk out into the kitchen to find some buff gym nut flipping eggs in our kitchen. Similarly, I do not want to wander out in the morning to find you cooking breakfast for Stacy the cheerleader. It's ok for people to come back to the house, but more notice is better. If I wake up to find a text saying that you've brought someone home I can then choose to stay in the house, leave, whatever. It's up to me and I can make an informed choice. That's infinitely better than the alternative.
Also it'd be incredibly awkward for you to bring someone home and for me to do the same thing an hour or two later only to discover that you've taken the garage. So text me.

11.   Nobody has sex on our bed except for us. Ever.

12.    We've discussed whether or not we should tell each other if we end up sleeping with each others' friends. I maintain that I don't mind, and I don't feel that you owe me a sit-down talk about your relationship with my friends. We're all adults here. Similarly I will not automatically fill you in if I happen to sleep with one of your friends. If this is not agreeable, I think the best plan is to stay away from mutual friends where possible.

13.    Condoms. Always. I don't want to find out that I've caught something from Stacy the cheerleader, via you. You want to know that you're the father of the child should I fall pregnant. I know they suck. Sorry. I'm not happy about it either.

14.    If there comes a time where you are unsure how to proceed because you don't know if your actions will constitute a breach of the rules, remember that I trust you to do the right thing by me. I'm sure that if it comes to a choice and you're not sure what to do that you will proceed with integrity and without intent to harm anybody. Likewise I will always do my best to do the right thing by you, and know that if I make a mistake and get it wrong, it was a mistake and not my intent. We are only human. I trust you.

Choice

We are the masters of our own destiny. That is to say, we are who we decide to be. We act the way we decide to act. The world is a crazy, crazy place and the only true control we have is the control we exercise over ourselves.

There are shitty situations, which may or may not be our fault. What is our fault, what does reflect upon us, is THE WAY WE HANDLE IT.
You may find yourself in a crappy, crappy relationship. Are you responsible for the other person's behaviour? No. They are (presumably) an adult and therefore a free agent - they act as they choose to. You can attempt to influence them, but you do not control them. But here's the thing; before this lack of control of the other person dismays you, realise this. They do not control you either. People will try to exert influence, and the people closest to us are often the best at it.
Power comes with realising the truth - that the control we so often feel is exerted over us is a lie.

People can push you. They can scare you. They can try and coerce you physically and emotionally.
But here's the thing.
You CHOOSE to engage with that behaviour.
You choose not to ignore it.
You choose to not say "enough".
You choose to not say "I deserve better."

Is it really that he is controlling? Or is it that YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE CONTROLLED?

You are a free agent. You call your own shots. You can't control the way someone speaks to you but by God you can tell them to can it. You can tell them to leave. You can tell them that it is not good enough because YOU ARE WORTH MORE. It isn't up to anybody else to say these things. It isn't up to them to know automatically! Other people will fit themselves to the boundaries YOU set. You'd like to hope that people will act with common decency, but some people are bums! That's their lookout. It's YOUR lookout to make sure that you don't take crap you don't deserve.

Sitting in a shitty job you hate? Get another job. There are always excuses and no change is easy. But instead of letting your boss or co-workers control your actions, do something. Retrain. There are night classes. Ask for a transfer. Look for another job in the same field. But to sit and complain and complain yet do nothing about the situation surrenders your own power at the mantle of complacency. You have the RIGHT to be happy in your employment but you have the RESPONSIBILITY to make it happen, not sit and whine about something you can change.

In an abusive relationship? There is nothing, nothing that compels you to stay in that relationship. You can't control it if the other person yells at you. What you CAN do is not yell back. What you CAN do is not engage with that behaviour, to tell them you will talk to them when they can listen and respond like an adult. What you can do is to tell them, and to know deep within yourself, that you deserve better. It can be hard to put yourself first. It can be utterly terrifying, especially if up til now all your actions and thoughts have been geared toward blaming yourself or making allowances for another. But there must come a time where you say no. Where you say that there is a standard of behaviour that you expect, that it is not negotiable and it is not optional. This is something that EVERYONE can do. This is not you forcing your ideas on someone else. This is you dictating what you will and will not tolerate from another and in the process trying to make better choices for yourself. You have the right to be happy in your relationship, and you have the responsibility to find a person who is capable of bringing you happiness. You have the right to expect that ground rules will be followed most of the time, and the responsibility of making sure you likewise follow those ground rules.

There is a difference between controlling yourself and controlling others. Everything we do ripples outward and effects the people we are closest to. This is inevitable. But self-respect, assertive boundaries put across clearly and calmly and which all people - yourself included - are held to are not things that control or restrict other people. They are your way of saying this is the standard that I hold others to, and this is the standard that I hold myself to. I do not yell at my partner, and likewise I will not tolerate being yelled at. That's not an attack on anyone's freedom! That's self-respect!

And so to find yourself in a crappy situation, with a crappy person unwilling to or incapable of respecting you, your boundaries or your wishes, and to KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT beggars belief. You are denying yourself free agency by allowing the other person to control you and more importantly, you are sending a message to yourself that you are less.

If I do not like the way I am spoken to I have no hesitation in saying so - calmly - and walking away. I will not be sucked into a fight I don't want to have and nor will I stand idly and allow myself to be yelled at when I don't want to be. This is called having boundaries. It's called self respect. It's having the RIGHT to not be spoken to in a way you find offensive, and the RESPONSIBILITY to speak to others in a way that you believe they will not find offensive.

Here's the thing, and believe me now as I tell you, whoever you are, one truth that will never change.

You are not worth less than any other person.
You are important.
Your happiness is not worth less than another's happiness. We always put ourselves out for others, make sacrifices. That's what people do when they care for each other. But that's very different to thinking that your happiness is not as important as someone else's.
If you decide to be a victim, then that is all you will ever be.
Do not throw your hands up in the air and blame others for your situation. Do something. Anything. Make a change.
You can't control what life throws at you, but you can change your attitude and you can change your reactions. You can stand up and in some small way, you can say "enough".
Don't make someone a priority when to them you are only an option.


You're a free agent, friend. You, and you alone, control your life. Act like it.