Love

Emotions are tricky beasts.

Love is the trickiest of them all.

I love you. I love your roguish smile which you can only do when you aren't thinking about it. I love your freckles. I love your strong arms and the way that when you hug me from behind it feels like you envelope all of me because I fit just below your shoulder. I love the way you kiss my forehead when you know I need tenderness. I love the way you call me Ashe. I love your crows feet. I love your thick, curly hair.

And I can't stand the way that sometimes I feel the most alone with you next to me. The way that I feel more like your mother than your girlfriend. Your forgetfulness and unreliability have always annoyed me but I have accepted them as part and parcel of who you are, and who you will always be.

I love your conviction. I love the way that you feel with such certainty that you know what is right and what is so very wrong with our world. I love that it gives you a sense of purpose because I know it is a big part of your identity.

I hate your conviction. I hate the way that you feel with such certainty that there can be no other way than the one you have accepted as fact. I hate that your mind is closed to other ways. I hate that you cannot see the merit in other arguments because they are not condoned by yours.

I love that you think differently to me. I love that you make me question myself, my beliefs, my thoughts.
It bothers me that you never seem to question yours.

I feel that something is missing inside of me. I do not know if the thing that is missing in me is also missing in you. What I do know is that I need to find it before it's too late.

We are so different, and yet in some ways we are the same.
Too different? I can't answer that question because I don't have that knowledge. I wish I did.

I wish you every happiness and every joy. I want to be a part of that happiness but I wonder if that is possible, or whether the happiness I am destined for is a different happiness.

I want to be with you because I love you. The love I have for you is as deep and as vast and as immovable as as an ocean, and yet I feel that maybe that isn't enough. Being with you, loving you like this, hurts. And it hurts all the more because you are just trying to do your best. I wish you'd hit me, I wish you'd swear, I wish you'd do anything but your best because it breaks my heart to watch you try and to feel this emptiness.