Jay wound someone else up last night, made them properly mad and I don't blame them. Breathtakingly rude, I'd have been spitting too.

So naturally Scott called ME this morning to say he wasn't going back unless an apology was made and it wasn't going to happen again.

Now I chewed Jay out last night when we got home, but there are other things Scott told me about this morning which I didn't know about. I'm pissed about what happened and words WILL be had, but I'm not his girlfriend nor his keeper so I kind of resent being put in the middle like this.

This is the second time, and it had best be the last or he can look after the house whilst I go by myself to the pub. Belle and I have already told Alex he's not coming back and I've no issues doing the same with Jay if he decides other people's feelings aren't important, housemate or no.
I've not had any issues with him myself but I go to the pub to have fun and make friends, not watch someone get on someone else's nerves and generally see how much they can fuck them about before something is said.

I feel like a nagging girlfriend but I don't appreciate the position I've been put in, nor the activities themselves.
He looked contrite last night as I was pointing out how messed up it was, and seems to take what I say on board. But that was the same last time and here we are!

If behaved toward me like he did toward Scott last night, he'd find himself down a friend in short order without some serious grovelling, backed up by never doing it again.

Sucks to be me, stuck in the middle. But not as much as it's gonna suck for Jay when I sit him down tonight. Not happy Jan.

Not gonna get caught up in someone else's argument and not gonna let history repeat during my single drinking night per week. I'm nobody's keeper so this is the last time before I just tell him not to come.

I'm so over people and their bullshit.

Why is it so impossible for two people to be friends?
Like seriously, what is the deal?

There has to be tons of girls out there looking for some action, why are the flies all over my particular uninterested carcass?

I mean shit, I don't understand why people can't just take a fucking hint.

What's so special about me?

I've been single for like five minutes, I don't understand the hype. What happened to letting the girl have some modicum of say? Or is it the challenge of talking me into it?

I'm fucking sick of people's shit. Next person gets a slap in the face.

Yeah I didn't cook dinner.

Got to the pub, migraine got worse, messaged Jay to say I'd be asleep outside when he was done, he messaged back to say the bar was quiet and dimly lit so I went in. Jake came and met us, he looked really uncomfortable the whole time.

Something tells me it's not quite what he had in mind but that suits me just fine.

So my head got worse and worse til I could barely see, but the alcohol helped to knock the edge off it.

Jay and Andy disappeared to go get something from work and buy smokes or something, I don't even know. Jake walked me back to my car while we waited and he said he missed me, and I've been the only thing on my mind or some shit like that. I couldn't really concentrate at the time.

I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He asked me if I missed him too and I can't remember what I said, I think I made a joke of it "oh you drift across my conscious mind occasionally, I guess."

I don't miss him, I don't even think of him that way. It annoys me that he does. Why do we have to make everything complicated? Why can't people just be friends and leave it there? Why do we make it so hard for ourselves?

He left and Andrew went off to find his car and go home, and Jay apologised for asking me to drive - if he'd known how much everything hurt he would have caught a taxi, I think. But I said I'd do it so I did.

He said Jake has it bad, and you could see it pretty clearly. Unfortunately I think he's right. Next time he's in Perth I'll have to do the right thing and have a chat about the fact that nothing is ever going to happen. I thought we had that clear but clearly things have changed for him.

At least I have a convenient excuse. I don't have to say something like "because three days of you in Perth is enough to have me daydreaming about removing your tonsils with a rusty nail" or "I'm sorry, I just don't see you that way, I mean I like you, but I don't like you" or some cliche bullshit like that. Instead I can roll with something that is entirely true, but also not the whole story - "I'm sorry, I'm not in the right place right now. I don't want to date. I just need a friend right now."
It's not untrue, and it's not a reflection on him. I don't have to be mean about it. It just is what it is.

I'm just frustrated that this has even happened. Why am I in this situation? I thought I had this sorted.
I thought it was all simple.

Sigh.

Jay and I are off to look at rats now. I want to call one Ratticus (unless I think of a better name) but he like Herman the Vermin. We'll see!

I'm so sick.

Gary may be moving in, his sister has asked him to leave apparently so after initially saying no, he came round for a couple of drinks last night (leaving at 3am lol) and Jay told him he could stay as long as he wanted.

I'm really grateful. I only survived, I am only here today, because people opened their doors and their hearts to me. People need that. Nobody should be forced to do anything alone in this world.
I'm glad Gary has a choice now, and whether he chooses to take it is up to him.

I lived in houses where all they did was take in stray people and give them a home and a place with support and love. I think it's a beautiful and valuable thing.
Jay lived alone for near enough on ten years; he hasn't had that experience. I know me moving in here was a huge adjustment for someone unaccustomed to sharing his space with anyone at all, without considering inviting in a stranger to stay only a short time afterward.

The house is only small, and it's crowded enough with just myself and Jay here, but I don't mind Gary staying in the spare room. He's a lot of fun, he's been very good to me, and it's not forever.
It was unequivocally the right thing to do. I'm glad Jay came around.

I still don't know what to do about scouts, about Troy.

Stressed out.

Uni is all but failed for me this semester. I'm going to drop all my units and re-enrol for next year. If they stick me on academic probation I'll work next year. No worries. A gap year can't be a bad thing. Especially since Centrelink is unlikely to pay me to study again next year.

I'll work it out. It'll be easier to save if Gary moves in, he'll flick in some money which means I have to flick in less. Probably means a lot more drinking though, so I may lose those savings haha.

Jay and Lauren are having troubles, and he and Erin are all but over. I think as daunting as having someone else over is, it'll help be some distraction and maybe be a good thing overall. I'm glad he came round and agreed. I think it'll be a blast if it happens,

After Gary left last night I got to sit on the couch, racked with pain, and listen to Jay get really angry about the latest thing Lauren's done for over an hour. Sounds like she's not good to be around for him. She drives me up the wall and I've only met her a handful of times.

I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like nobody understands. Jay is great, we get along well, share the space well without being on top of each other, in each other's way or avoiding each other. We work opposite days so by and large we only see each other at night or on Wednesdays. I have Friday, Saturday and Sundays to myself all day til dinner, he has Monday and Tuesday arvo and all day Thursday to himself. It works. He listens and he sympathises and to an extent I guess he gets it, his situation with Lauren was somewhat similar to mine in certain elements, but I am alone.
I feel alone, but I'm comfortable with someone else being in the space with me whilst I feel it.

I've been thinking about cutting more and more, but I think that's a product of the time of month as much as anything else. It's easy to get bogged down and grumpy when everything hurts, I feel like a water balloon and have a fuse shorter than ever - or so it feels. It'll pass in time, but I'm finding it hard.

I'd like Gary to move in here if he so chooses. I feel it's the right thing to do. I want to do what I can, when I can and it's so rare for me to have something meaningful and concrete to offer another person. I'm glad at least now I can offer.

Jake is in town and wants to catch up - this is his last night in Perth. Is it bad I don't want to see him? I'm really not feeling up to it, even though I know it'll be another 4 weeks or whatever before he even has the opportunity to come to Perth, and he probably won't want to as he came down the last two swings.
Scott keeps asking to catch up as well. He came to the pub on Thursday. It was a lot of fun, we all swapped clothes. He ended up in the bartender (Rowina)'s tights and Belle's dress, and I ended up in his shirt and Hayden's pants, and Belle had my shirt and pants. By the end of the night we all swapped back, although I stole Belle's dress and she took my shirt, pants and jacket. I may never see them again, but I really like the dress so I might call it square lol. If I get the jacket back I'll be happy.

I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. I come home and there are my rabbits and Jay, and that's comfortable and stress free. I don't want men dying at my feet. I don't want anything with anyone. I just want to be left alone.
I mean sure I miss sex but I miss having no hassles even more.

I just want everyone to leave me alone.
Scott's okay, he tries it on but he isn't emotional about it. Jake was texting me every day with a countdown til he was in Perth. He invited me to his uni ball (yeah, no) and told me he misses me. I mean, I count the guy as a fun dude and all but come on... I'm not up for emotional bullshit and I thought he knew what the score was. I'm a "cool chick" apparently and he's a top bloke, but we're only mates and I thought that was clear... I guess now I'm single and also unattached (as opposed to singe yet attached or whatever) I'm fair game. Yeah that can fuck right off. I'll go out for a drink tonight because alcohol helps with the pain, but if he even suggests staying over here tonight he has another thing coming because it is not going to happen. I shared my bed during my party and that was hard enough, it's not happening now. Especially not if he's emotionally invested. Best to nip that in the bud I think.

How did things get complicated so quickly?

How did this happen?

I was single, I moved house, it was all humming along nicely and then suddenly, BAM! Jake invites me to a ball, ex messages me to tell me he's not messaging me, have a party and there are multiple people naked in my house and banging in my bed (sigh), Scott messages me (after sleeping with Alice I might add, classiest of touches I thought lol), ex messages me to say he's sick and still not talking to me, so naturally we have a chat which was actually REALLY NICE, and then Jake announces he's in Perth so I fob him off and have Gary round for drinks, Gary gets invited to move in, Scott texts me, Jake announces it's his last night in Perth and do I want to catch up.
Holy shit man.

How did that even happen!?

I don't want it.

Like obv some of it is good, great even.

But I'm not fair game and I'm not interested.

I've enough shit to think about.

Okay well I'm gonna go collect my housemate from the pub now which I'm totally NOT BITTER ABOUT because I'm being paid fuel money, think of the money Ash think of the money. $20 a week for dropping him 10/15 minutes down the road three days a week. Nooooo worries! Today I just feel sore and sick and shitty and don't really care for leaving the house but it's a Sunday, I can't ask him to catch the bus after accepting the money he deposited in my account. So that's that I guess.

It was good to chat, I really enjoyed it. After the first 10 minutes anyway, which I spent staring at the fence shaking with tears rolling down my face while Jay looked at me worriedly. And it was pretty much then I realised I'm probably not pregnant. It was good and I'm happy. Shame he's sick though. I mean I might be in pain or whatever and foolishly thought I could get away with food I clearly couldn't, but I'm not like bedridden with massive infections riddling my very soul. So that's good I guess!

Anyway, pub. Then I cook dinner, if I can stomach it.

Jay tells me that he started seeing his ex, Lauren, after they broke up but it wasn't because he missed her as a friend.

He says I'm not being stupid to miss someone I cared about a lot, and that it's more than he can say that I actually miss the friendship.

I feel like I've been left standing out in the cold after baring my soul.
I feel so alone.

I don't think there's any pleasure to be gained out of this situation, I don't think there's any moral high ground to take. I don't think there's a silver lining.

I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't make right now any less shitty.

Back to square one. Back to zero.

I'm not surprised, I just find the silence hard to deal with. Especially when it's broken and then resumed like nothing had happened.

It's my birthday party tomorrow.

There'll be a few people there, people I know and love and I am looking forward to it, but I can't help but feel something is missing.

I feel like that a bit lately, though.

When I passed out the other day, three times in five minutes, I didn't want to be there on my own.
I wanted to have someone to call. I almost had to, luckily I made it to the top of the steps before I hit the deck.

Mostly I wanted to not have some weird aversion to heat though, that'd probably be a step up.

Listening to a lot of music.

Feeling very reflective.

Feeling a little anxious about various things.

Scouts.

I just committed myself to another term and I can't help but feel now that I have, that it was a mistake to do so.

I might look at transferring to another group.

Oh those things were related. That makes more sense.

Stoked to hear from him.

Maybe I will again at some point.

Holy shit timing is everything

So much has happened

Just had my first big O since last time I was with him. It's not the same at all. I miss sex. Surprised I lasted this long. Been really pent up this last week.

On an (kind of) unrelated note, this is my first night in my own bed for a couple weeks. Finally got the movers in and all my stuff at my new joint. NO MORE COUCH FOR THIS GUY.

Got a message for my birthday. Glad to think he's thinking of me I guess, but I dunno. It makes me sad that we're still not even on speaking terms.

I'm going to fail uni this semester. Since September I've just absolutely bailed. Can't focus, can't think, can't concentrate. Been thinking a little about self harm. Haven't done anything though. Just been really stressed with not talking, stuff with scouts, moving.

I told Troy I'm not coming back but I still expect him to leave. There's nobody here to help me with this and I can't do it on my own. I can't. I trusted someone with it for the first time, put things in motion, and I'm left standing here on my own. I can't follow through.
I have to leave, it's the only other option left.

I realise now why I never told anyone before, never trusted anyone with it before. This is so much worse than anything else that's happened. This IS the worst.
I should never have believed there was any intent to actually help because I have been left alone, so alone. The fact that I've dealt, that I've reached out to other people on a lesser level (let's learn from mistakes and not repeat them, hey) does not excuse that.
I'm not blaming and I'm not even mad. There's no obligation. I've no RIGHT to anything.
I think I'm just upset because I trusted someone for the first time. For the first time, I let someone see all of me. And they said all the right things, encouraged me to take steps. Then they took one look and left me there alone after promising whatever else happened, that wouldn't. I should have seen that coming. I should never have put myself in a position that I actually believed that, much less relied on it. I took someone at their word, and I'm angry at myself for doing so.

It was so hard to be so vulnerable. To let someone see me as I am. Such an effort. I wasn't expecting it to be discarded as it was.

But I won't go back and it will be gone.

I'm good. I'm happy. I'm safe.

I miss my mate but what can I do?

I will be fine and I am fine. This scouts bullshit will be over soon enough and then I can put it out of my mind.
I'm not angry at anyone but myself.

Finally got my stuff here though :D Finally a bed and no more floordrobe! I have a cat now though D:
Can't win them all I guess though.

Had a good birthday, Dan kind of... I dunno. It was fine.

Party is still going ahead on the 18th. Still kind of hoping he might change his mind and come. I mean Shane is coming. SHANE. If I had a choice I know who I'd rather choose. I just don't understand.

This much silence, I was either the most important person in his world or the least. Kind of seeing it as very much the latter.

I got over us breaking up a while ago now. I just miss my friend.
I made all the allowances to keep that friendship. Maybe that was a mistake. I wouldn't trade any of it though. Not a second.

I think about him every day but not the relationship. Does that make sense? I wonder what he's doing, wonder how he is. I miss our chats. I miss going out for lunch.

I don't know what I could have done differently in that last month or so to have prevented this silence. I thought I was as gracious as I could be, took all the changes with as much dignity and understanding as I could. I certainly tried to.

People are stepping into the void now. I don't mind, I'm glad.

This whole thing comes off as really negative. There are negatives right now but overall I'm in a good place. There are things I would like to be different but I'm happy, I'm strong and I think I may have found a home.