We are the masters of our own destiny. That is to say, we are who we decide to be. We act the way we decide to act. The world is a crazy, crazy place and the only true control we have is the control we exercise over ourselves.
There are shitty situations, which may or may not be our fault. What is our fault, what does reflect upon us, is THE WAY WE HANDLE IT.
You may find yourself in a crappy, crappy relationship. Are you responsible for the other person's behaviour? No. They are (presumably) an adult and therefore a free agent - they act as they choose to. You can attempt to influence them, but you do not control them. But here's the thing; before this lack of control of the other person dismays you, realise this.
They do not control you either. People will try to exert influence, and the people closest to us are often the best at it.
Power comes with realising the truth - that the control we so often feel is exerted over us
is a lie.
People can push you. They can scare you. They can try and coerce you physically and emotionally.
But here's the thing.
You CHOOSE to engage with that behaviour.
You choose not to ignore it.
You choose to not say "enough".
You choose to not say "I deserve better."
Is it really that he is controlling? Or is it that YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE CONTROLLED?
You are a free agent. You call your own shots. You can't control the way someone speaks to you but by God you can tell them to can it. You can tell them to leave. You can tell them that it is not good enough because
YOU ARE WORTH MORE. It isn't up to anybody else to say these things. It isn't up to them to know automatically! Other people will fit themselves to the boundaries YOU set. You'd like to hope that people will act with common decency, but some people are bums! That's their lookout. It's YOUR lookout to make sure that you don't take crap you don't deserve.
Sitting in a shitty job you hate? Get another job. There are always excuses and no change is easy. But instead of letting your boss or co-workers control your actions, do something. Retrain. There are night classes. Ask for a transfer. Look for another job in the same field. But to sit and complain and complain yet do nothing about the situation surrenders your own power at the mantle of complacency. You have the RIGHT to be happy in your employment but you have the RESPONSIBILITY to make it happen, not sit and whine about something you can change.
In an abusive relationship? There is nothing,
nothing that compels you to stay in that relationship. You can't control it if the other person yells at you. What you CAN do is not yell back. What you CAN do is not engage with that behaviour, to tell them you will talk to them when they can listen and respond like an adult. What you can do is to tell them, and to know deep within yourself, that
you deserve better. It can be hard to put yourself first. It can be utterly terrifying, especially if up til now all your actions and thoughts have been geared toward blaming yourself or making allowances for another. But there must come a time where you say no. Where you say that there is a standard of behaviour that you expect, that it is not negotiable and it is not optional. This is something that EVERYONE can do. This is not you forcing your ideas on someone else. This is you dictating what you will and will not tolerate from another and in the process trying to make better choices for yourself. You have the right to be happy in your relationship, and you have the responsibility to find a person who is capable of bringing you happiness. You have the right to expect that ground rules will be followed most of the time, and the responsibility of making sure you likewise follow those ground rules.
There is a difference between controlling yourself and controlling others. Everything we do ripples outward and effects the people we are closest to. This is inevitable. But self-respect, assertive boundaries put across clearly and calmly and which all people - yourself included - are held to are not things that control or restrict other people. They are your way of saying this is the standard that I hold others to, and this is the standard that I hold myself to. I do not yell at my partner, and likewise I will not tolerate being yelled at. That's not an attack on anyone's freedom! That's self-respect!
And so to find yourself in a crappy situation, with a crappy person unwilling to or incapable of respecting you, your boundaries or your wishes, and to KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT beggars belief. You are denying yourself free agency by allowing the other person to control you and more importantly, you are sending a message to yourself that you are less.
If I do not like the way I am spoken to I have no hesitation in saying so - calmly - and walking away. I will not be sucked into a fight I don't want to have and nor will I stand idly and allow myself to be yelled at when I don't want to be. This is called having boundaries. It's called self respect. It's having the RIGHT to not be spoken to in a way you find offensive, and the RESPONSIBILITY to speak to others in a way that you believe they will not find offensive.
Here's the thing, and believe me now as I tell you, whoever you are, one truth that will never change.
You are not worth less than any other person.
You are important.
Your happiness is not worth less than another's happiness. We always put ourselves out for others, make sacrifices. That's what people do when they care for each other. But that's very different to thinking that your happiness is not as important as someone else's.
If you decide to be a victim, then that is all you will ever be.
Do not throw your hands up in the air and blame others for your situation. Do something. Anything. Make a change.
You can't control what life throws at you, but you can change your attitude and you can change your reactions. You can stand up and in some small way, you can say "enough".
Don't make someone a priority when to them you are only an option.
You're a free agent, friend. You, and you alone, control your life. Act like it.
