What is courage? I have a theory. I don't think courage is about not being afraid. I think courage is being batshit terrified, but doing what you need to do anyway.
I'm batshit terrified right now. I'm sitting in the car watching the clock tick closer to 6pm, when I go to pick up Shane so we can go to dinner.
This terrifies me for a number of reasons.
First and foremost, I'm going out to dinner with Shane for the first time since we broke up. Last time I saw him, I made a gaffe, and Shane was annoyed. I'm not sure how he feels now, but I definitely hope there's no animosity. Its not the first or second time one of us has said something offensive or out of line, but we've always managed to move past it. Is this time different? I hope not.
Then there's the matter of me feeling like there are people I'm losing for a number of reasons. Going to see Shane will aggravate the situation, to what extent I do not know.
But I want to see him, and that is a good enough reason for me. I have spent too long pussy-footing around the needs of others to the detriment of my own. I cannot let the insecurities of others control my actions, yet I must also attempt to be sensitive to those triggers and not act unfairly.
I'm scared of making a mistake and losing a person - maybe even
multiple people - that I care about very, very much. But I have to follow my heart til it bleeds, and tonight it means dinner out.
Hopefully my path will grow clearer as the hours and days go on, so that no matter who is where at the end, everyone is happy and where they ought to be. This is my prayer and my aim.
Please, wish me luck and send me positivity, I am in dire need.
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