What if I've made a huge mistake?
What if I'm risking losing something - someone - who is suddenly so very, very important?
Should I have left well enough alone?
If it weren't broke, should I have tried to fix it?
Is that what even happened?
I have two songs that came on in the car on the way into Northbridge tonight, and they've stayed with me, swirling round my head no matter how I try and get them out.
I know is that this is for the best.
It hurts.
But it is for the best. Friendship is so much more important than a fleeting encounter. Friendship is what I have to work to protect, what I should cherish. And so as much as it hurts now, I know that the feeling will pass and hopefully all will be well again.
Hopefully it's not too far gone.
I regret every tear shed that I was the cause of, direct and indirect, but I don't know if I regret putting that chain of events into motion. I now know how much I adored every second. Maybe that's something I was better off not knowing. Too late now, can't unsee, can't unfeel.
I hope it's not too late.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Pain
There is an ache in my chest and it won't go away. It is constantly there, like a great weight always slowing me down. I feel as though I am running and running only to be pulled backward after a short time. I feel as though this is inevitable. I've felt down again for some time now, but today was a bad day. I feel the tears prickling behind my eyes and I can barely stop them from spilling out of me. Why? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know what to do. What to say. What to think. I feel like there is a hole inside of me that nothing can fill. I feel that my heart is empty and does not want to feel so that it cannot hurt. But it hurts anyway.
I have been strong for so long, and now I feel that I can't anymore. I need, for once, to be held up by another. I need to be told that it will be ok, to be helped through the day, and for someone to just hold me close and let me be vulnerable. I need to cry and be safe while I do it. I need to get angry. Passion will be the energy I need to break free of this and to do this I need to be honest with myself. I need to meet with my pain and my fear and I need to look it in the eye. I need to embrace it, I need to let myself feel it and I need to channel it into something better. It's the only way. I must stop hiding from it and be bigger, stronger.
I have been the proud recipient of an open relationship for a mere three days. Except that I don't know what that means. It's well nigh impossible to have any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, without emotional intimacy. But I want emotional intimacy. I want to share the love that I hold within me for so many people, the love that I feel tears me apart. I want to cuddle more than one person. I want to kiss. I want to be held. I want to love and be loved and I want the beauty of that love to be given freely as a gift - not out of obligation or guilt! I also don't want to withhold or second-guess my feelings of affection and love for other people because I'm not in a relationship with them. That's what happens when you get close to someone, whether it's sexual or not. I want to be close to people. I want to cuddle and be physically close, enjoy that intimacy with no expectations of more.
What does it all mean? I don't know.
I want to scream up at the sky, a great wail of pain and suffering. I want to cry until there are no tears left. I want to get angry and shout at somebody I love and cause them pain so that they understand that I AM NOT OK. I want to be held and I want to pull away and I want that person to take me by the wrist and pull me close because it may not be what I want but it is what I need. I want to get angry but I can't.
I've been having my nightmares again. Sometimes they are different to how they used to be, but one of the old ones has come back. I am always standing in a crowded place - maybe the city. Maybe a shopping centre. Maybe in a family gathering. No matter where I am, I am screaming in pain. There are tears pouring down my face as I try and make contact with someone, anyone. I scream and I cry and I beg and I am pathetic and NOBODY CAN HEAR ME. I am all alone in a huge group of people and I am so, so alone.
It's ironic that the previous post is about trust. Ironic because the issue I face right now, the one that requires of me action and decision, is one I cannot face because I do not trust myself to make the right choice.
I know that life has no guarantees. I know that there is always a risk. But my theory thus far has always been to go with my gut and that has never failed me. But now I don't know what my gut is telling me. I am torn.
I do not even know what I am torn between. I do not know why I am unhappy. What I do know is that I am so desperately, painfully, agonisingly unhappy that I feel the old thoughts rise to the fore once again. The ones I have worked so hard on myself to banish. The ones that whisper in my ear that I will not be missed. That there is one fool-proof way to end all pain. And so I want to scream for help but I cannot make a sound.
I have done so well and I have come so far. My heart is strong and I am strong but I cannot continue like this. I need to kick and fight and struggle and get to the surface to breathe some air and not sink and drown. I am screaming and I can only hope that I will be heard.
I am stronger than this but I feel myself being ground down again. The darkness whispers to me as it used to and as much as I try not to listen it is hard. I feel a physical pain within me and I want to be held like a child until it goes away. I'm tired of being the strong one! In all my relationships, ALL OF THEM, I am the one who does the holding, the reassuring, does the moving and shaking, makes things happen, finds the answers. No more!
I am not ok, and I won't be until I can look the pain in the eye, join with it, feel it, and then turn it into something better. The question now is how.
I have been strong for so long, and now I feel that I can't anymore. I need, for once, to be held up by another. I need to be told that it will be ok, to be helped through the day, and for someone to just hold me close and let me be vulnerable. I need to cry and be safe while I do it. I need to get angry. Passion will be the energy I need to break free of this and to do this I need to be honest with myself. I need to meet with my pain and my fear and I need to look it in the eye. I need to embrace it, I need to let myself feel it and I need to channel it into something better. It's the only way. I must stop hiding from it and be bigger, stronger.
I have been the proud recipient of an open relationship for a mere three days. Except that I don't know what that means. It's well nigh impossible to have any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, without emotional intimacy. But I want emotional intimacy. I want to share the love that I hold within me for so many people, the love that I feel tears me apart. I want to cuddle more than one person. I want to kiss. I want to be held. I want to love and be loved and I want the beauty of that love to be given freely as a gift - not out of obligation or guilt! I also don't want to withhold or second-guess my feelings of affection and love for other people because I'm not in a relationship with them. That's what happens when you get close to someone, whether it's sexual or not. I want to be close to people. I want to cuddle and be physically close, enjoy that intimacy with no expectations of more.
What does it all mean? I don't know.
I want to scream up at the sky, a great wail of pain and suffering. I want to cry until there are no tears left. I want to get angry and shout at somebody I love and cause them pain so that they understand that I AM NOT OK. I want to be held and I want to pull away and I want that person to take me by the wrist and pull me close because it may not be what I want but it is what I need. I want to get angry but I can't.
I've been having my nightmares again. Sometimes they are different to how they used to be, but one of the old ones has come back. I am always standing in a crowded place - maybe the city. Maybe a shopping centre. Maybe in a family gathering. No matter where I am, I am screaming in pain. There are tears pouring down my face as I try and make contact with someone, anyone. I scream and I cry and I beg and I am pathetic and NOBODY CAN HEAR ME. I am all alone in a huge group of people and I am so, so alone.
It's ironic that the previous post is about trust. Ironic because the issue I face right now, the one that requires of me action and decision, is one I cannot face because I do not trust myself to make the right choice.
I know that life has no guarantees. I know that there is always a risk. But my theory thus far has always been to go with my gut and that has never failed me. But now I don't know what my gut is telling me. I am torn.
I do not even know what I am torn between. I do not know why I am unhappy. What I do know is that I am so desperately, painfully, agonisingly unhappy that I feel the old thoughts rise to the fore once again. The ones I have worked so hard on myself to banish. The ones that whisper in my ear that I will not be missed. That there is one fool-proof way to end all pain. And so I want to scream for help but I cannot make a sound.
I have done so well and I have come so far. My heart is strong and I am strong but I cannot continue like this. I need to kick and fight and struggle and get to the surface to breathe some air and not sink and drown. I am screaming and I can only hope that I will be heard.
I am stronger than this but I feel myself being ground down again. The darkness whispers to me as it used to and as much as I try not to listen it is hard. I feel a physical pain within me and I want to be held like a child until it goes away. I'm tired of being the strong one! In all my relationships, ALL OF THEM, I am the one who does the holding, the reassuring, does the moving and shaking, makes things happen, finds the answers. No more!
I am not ok, and I won't be until I can look the pain in the eye, join with it, feel it, and then turn it into something better. The question now is how.
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