Nor do I feel like I'm drunk but I know I must be from how long it took me to write this sentence properly.
I had more to drink than I've had in forever!
I have a class at 10 tomorrow I am so gonna regret this.
Okay from THIS POINT onwards I'm not gonna backspace not even once,
I had a lot f fun tonight. Belle is a blast!
We're gonna try meet up on Thursdays on the reg. She;s gonna teach me nhow to plat pool because I such (sic: suck)
I tll you what tonight was seriously sfucking life affirming. So many guys. She had most of the attention because she was in a miniskirt (with might I add no undies) whereas I was just chillin in a tshit and jeans.
But there was this one guy, Simon, must have been in his fiftiees, approached us first and was all like "Hey girls I'm not being creepy and I'm not trying to pick you up (is it me or should you not need to say that) but I'm just trying to kkill half n hours and you girls are really funny and beautiful, will youplay pool with me,:"
And I was liike "aw no sorry bud I don't plat pool but I will referree and keep score!"
And Belle was like "yeah okay why not"
AND SO BEGAN THE NIGHT
Then this ther couple walked in and the woman was smashed off her face and the guy was HUGE. And se was all yelling at Belle like calling her a slut and said she was a prostiture and a transvestite and then the guy walked over and was like "what's the problem over here?" and I was like "I don't know man, what is the probkem over here?" and then e was like "nah we cool and gave me this handsake that was si tight I swear I felt the bonds crunch n my hand. And then he told her to sht the fuck up.
And then Belle was playing pool and sh totally beat that simon guy but she wfollowed the 8 bball with the white ball so he totally wom.
And then the other dude the big guy with the lady got into this fight with some other guy who was talking to his missus, pretty innocently I might add, and told him to fuck off
And then he asked Belle to play pool and he TOTALLY pantsed her. She sunk two balls but it was more or less a walk over.
And ten these other guys were there and they were young guys. And one of them came over and ust jlike sat at our table and was like "so I punched a wall today" and I was like "well you sound like an idiont"
And he was called Drew and he seemd cool and we chatted. And the other guys kespt coming back to our table and cahatting. They more or less left me alone because I think they could see I wasn't playing but
I don't think I've been called attractive
and beatiful
and stunning
and gorgeous
so much by strangers IN MY LIFE
The big guy (no idea where is missus fucked off to) came over and gae me a couple more bone runching andshakes and was like "ou have the tost eautiful smile" and I was like thanks man
And then there was this indian guy who was spouting rte... fuck I can't keep doing this these typos are killing me
This guy was spouting this hell spiritual bullshit and he ended up walking us to Belle's car.
So this Simon guy (first dude, fifties) was all like "You're my wife now" to Belle and it was like umm
and then he was like "Look I do the laundry and I iron like a pro, my ironing is absolutely brilliant and I'm a magnificent lover" omg
And then the big guy came over and I was just like ummm
And then he was just like "you guys are so beautiful I just wanted you to know"
And then we were talking to this Drew guy and he kept saying I was cool and I was like shit man you don't even know me. Nobody says that about me.
And then it was like 12:30 and there was me and Belle and this Drew guy and his mate Kale (like the plant??) and the indian guy out the front smoking ecigs
And Drew kept trying to look up Belle's skirt/feel if she had undies on. She didn't but she didn't seem to mind so all good I spose?
I think she gave him our number but he seemed okay. Apparently we're biffles or something now.
Anyway so many nice things said by happy drunk people.
And the indian guy walked us to the car which was over the road.
Aaaaand yeah that's my night.
I have a class at 10am tomorrow omg I hate myself.
SO AWAKE.
Best tipsy sex ever would happen right now.
Best. Ever.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
IS OKAY
GOOD TIMES WERE HAD
Would have liked a guy there at times but at the same time I don't know if it would have all happened were that the case. Then again that Drew kid invited himself over for a couple hours and the older guys kept coming back soooo maybe it would have?
ANYWAY thats my night!
Friday, 22 August 2014
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
Going to my mum's
Feeling bluh
It's starting to lift again though.
Not long now I hope
Seeing people always snaps the funk
So glad dad isn't around.
Wish he'd move away and stay there
So jealous of people who get to see their parents separately all the time.
Which makes me THE WORST PERSON
Ah well I can wear that.
I see belle tomorrow night!
Still no idea what to do about Friday.
I don't want to go.
I should call and tell them that.
Tomorrow morning I will.
Sigh
I just want the best.
I just want to do something.
That's not for me to do.
I show I care by doing things. That's part of what I do. I don't like that I can't.
But it's not for me. Not any more.
I can't find anyone who's free tonight, not now. I might go to my mum's.
I don't want to be alone here right now.
I don't want to be in my head by myself.
I want to be good for something.
I want to feel better by making someone else feel better somehow.
This last couple days have been hard.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I can't concentrate.
Need some company but I told everyone I was probably busy.
I'm okay, I've just been down. I'm not sure I'm down about anything in particular. Just been feeling weird.
I need to talk to someone.
I don't like feeling afraid of shadows.
I just want to forget by being something useful for somebody.
But nobody needs me. I try and be good. I try and be my best. I try and help where I can.
But there's nobody to help and nowhere to go.
Stuck in my head and these dreams don't leave me alone even when I'm awake.
I just want someone to talk to but the friend I talked to has gotten weird. It makes my skin crawl.
Everybody is busy.
I get by but I look forward to relief.
Tuesday, 19 August 2014
That CREEP made a rape joke...
I didn't like him but I put it down to lads on the mines.
That's not funny. That's not cool.
A female teacher in the US is facing rape charges after having sex with a 15 year old student... and he reposts it with the caption "Nice!!!" ?????
It's NOT NICE!
Would it be "nice" if it was a male teacher and female student, or would that be wrong?
Oh, I suppose rape is only rape if it's a female victim.
You don't wish that shit on ANYONE.
A child can't give consent.
Not shouldn't. CANNOT. Incapable.
That someone has violated a child, in the course of their employment no less, is not cause for backslapping and guffaws.
The kid may have thought he wanted it at the time. Irrelevant. The law is clear. Morals and ethics are clear.
It's not okay.
I'm lucky he didn't come out with this shit on Contiki or I would have punched him right in his smarmy face.
Although I'm pretty sure if he said it on Contiki Jake would have realised what was about to happen and intervened and talked him down. He knows why it makes me angry.
Why it should make ANYONE angry.
Fucking Jono, I hope I don't see him again.
Piece of shit attitude. I've had it.
I didn't like him but I put it down to lads on the mines.
That's not funny. That's not cool.
A female teacher in the US is facing rape charges after having sex with a 15 year old student... and he reposts it with the caption "Nice!!!" ?????
It's NOT NICE!
Would it be "nice" if it was a male teacher and female student, or would that be wrong?
Oh, I suppose rape is only rape if it's a female victim.
You don't wish that shit on ANYONE.
A child can't give consent.
Not shouldn't. CANNOT. Incapable.
That someone has violated a child, in the course of their employment no less, is not cause for backslapping and guffaws.
The kid may have thought he wanted it at the time. Irrelevant. The law is clear. Morals and ethics are clear.
It's not okay.
I'm lucky he didn't come out with this shit on Contiki or I would have punched him right in his smarmy face.
Although I'm pretty sure if he said it on Contiki Jake would have realised what was about to happen and intervened and talked him down. He knows why it makes me angry.
Why it should make ANYONE angry.
Fucking Jono, I hope I don't see him again.
Piece of shit attitude. I've had it.
Well that was awkward
Well aware of how it looked when the tracking page came onscreen.
Awwwwkward. Worst part is I have actually had traffic from elsewhere I wanted to check up on. The stuff that was from overseas I'm intrigued by, but I'm kind of worried by the traffic coming in via Macs... I know who's logging on from a Mac and it's someone I'd rather not deal with.
The data is from between the 12th and the 19th of August which means he's reading it currently, presently. But I don't know when exactly.
What I do know is that the overseas traffic has been dropping off my stats - lost another country today.
Which means it doesn't store the info indefinitely, although I can't tell how long for. Which means the mac readings have to be relatively recent and ongoing or they wouldn't still show up...
ugh I don't care. As long as he doesn't contact me I don't have a lot to worry about.
I had a nightmare about him last night.
I haven't been sleeping right.
I'm worried about getting a call or a visit.
It makes me nervous and it makes it hard to sleep.
I'm applying for another house today!
Can only hope it goes better than last time. It can't go worse lol.
ugh I'm so anxious about this. I can't eat or sleep :(
I took a break from the page to see if the hits would drop off but they haven't seemed to.
Nothing to do but take a deep breath and ignore it.
On another note my body realised it's been a few days and wants me to fix it. Sorry body, gotta wait.
Nice to be back in the zone though I gotta say!
Did a big clean today.
Feels good man!
Just gotta drop down that application and I'm good to go.
Meeting up with Belle Thursday night hopefully, she said something about going out Saturday too so we'll see what happens there. If not Mel wanted to go out as well so we'll see what comes of it. Maybe I'll have other plans or just decide to stay in instead. Who knows?
Phillip I don't even know... Friday perhaps.
He made another weird comment. It makes my skin crawl, I don't like it. I don't want to be a wet blanket but I'd like it to stop. Not sure how to bring that up without making a big deal of it. I'll worry about it when I see him.
Awwwwkward. Worst part is I have actually had traffic from elsewhere I wanted to check up on. The stuff that was from overseas I'm intrigued by, but I'm kind of worried by the traffic coming in via Macs... I know who's logging on from a Mac and it's someone I'd rather not deal with.
The data is from between the 12th and the 19th of August which means he's reading it currently, presently. But I don't know when exactly.
What I do know is that the overseas traffic has been dropping off my stats - lost another country today.
Which means it doesn't store the info indefinitely, although I can't tell how long for. Which means the mac readings have to be relatively recent and ongoing or they wouldn't still show up...
ugh I don't care. As long as he doesn't contact me I don't have a lot to worry about.
I had a nightmare about him last night.
I haven't been sleeping right.
I'm worried about getting a call or a visit.
It makes me nervous and it makes it hard to sleep.
I'm applying for another house today!
Can only hope it goes better than last time. It can't go worse lol.
ugh I'm so anxious about this. I can't eat or sleep :(
I took a break from the page to see if the hits would drop off but they haven't seemed to.
Nothing to do but take a deep breath and ignore it.
On another note my body realised it's been a few days and wants me to fix it. Sorry body, gotta wait.
Nice to be back in the zone though I gotta say!
Did a big clean today.
Feels good man!
Just gotta drop down that application and I'm good to go.
Meeting up with Belle Thursday night hopefully, she said something about going out Saturday too so we'll see what happens there. If not Mel wanted to go out as well so we'll see what comes of it. Maybe I'll have other plans or just decide to stay in instead. Who knows?
Phillip I don't even know... Friday perhaps.
He made another weird comment. It makes my skin crawl, I don't like it. I don't want to be a wet blanket but I'd like it to stop. Not sure how to bring that up without making a big deal of it. I'll worry about it when I see him.
Wednesday, 13 August 2014
You know, I don't for a second think this is deliberate.
I've been as gracious as I can be and I hope I've done okay.
I hope I've conducted myself okay.
I hope I haven't been pushy or sulky.
It's just hard that it has been so good, as weird as that is.
I'll get used to it in time.
For the minute it's just difficult to wrap my brain around.
I really appreciate that we've talked about this.
I'm trying really hard to separate how I feel about this from being stressy about the housing thing and the scouting thing.
And I think I'm doing okay.
I am doing okay.
It's confusing and I miss him but I understand and I'm okay.
I just hope I've been okay in the way I've acted.
I hope I haven't done anything wrong.
Everything is confusing and I know that's going to be the case for a little while until everything settles down.
I miss talking though. Like properly talking. It'd be nice to see him sometime soon, in whatever capacity.
Bluh.
I can't wait to be off work next week. Maybe then :)
I've been as gracious as I can be and I hope I've done okay.
I hope I've conducted myself okay.
I hope I haven't been pushy or sulky.
It's just hard that it has been so good, as weird as that is.
I'll get used to it in time.
For the minute it's just difficult to wrap my brain around.
I really appreciate that we've talked about this.
I'm trying really hard to separate how I feel about this from being stressy about the housing thing and the scouting thing.
And I think I'm doing okay.
I am doing okay.
It's confusing and I miss him but I understand and I'm okay.
I just hope I've been okay in the way I've acted.
I hope I haven't done anything wrong.
Everything is confusing and I know that's going to be the case for a little while until everything settles down.
I miss talking though. Like properly talking. It'd be nice to see him sometime soon, in whatever capacity.
Bluh.
I can't wait to be off work next week. Maybe then :)
Still really stoked.
Also mad frustrated. You'd think getting laid a couple of times would take the edge off; apparently not lol.
Not sure what's gonna happen into the future.
Hope it keeps up because this is ace.
Probably best to keep step back a little at this point so we can both get our heads screwed on right.
I'm super, super glad it's not awkward or stilted though. It's nice to feel like nothing's changed on that level.
In other news I applied for a house today! Only one other lady at the inspection so depending on whether they get many other applications it may be a 50/50 split between us.
This whole debacle may be sorted sooner than I expected.
Still not sure what to do about scouts.
Maybe I'll leave for now. I can always join another troop if that's what I feel like doing down the line. Hampton is my home though, another troop feels wrong.
Ugh. Have to decide prior to Friday.
I'm glad it's not weird.
Everything hurts but in the best way possible which makes a pleasant change. It's a good shock to my body.
Next week I've no work (except maybe Wednesday) so with any luck he might be free sometime to hang out. Maybe not, who knows? All I know is my body has pricked its ears to the sound of pleasure. God.
That first time aaaa.
Also mad frustrated. You'd think getting laid a couple of times would take the edge off; apparently not lol.
Not sure what's gonna happen into the future.
Hope it keeps up because this is ace.
Probably best to keep step back a little at this point so we can both get our heads screwed on right.
I'm super, super glad it's not awkward or stilted though. It's nice to feel like nothing's changed on that level.
In other news I applied for a house today! Only one other lady at the inspection so depending on whether they get many other applications it may be a 50/50 split between us.
This whole debacle may be sorted sooner than I expected.
Still not sure what to do about scouts.
Maybe I'll leave for now. I can always join another troop if that's what I feel like doing down the line. Hampton is my home though, another troop feels wrong.
Ugh. Have to decide prior to Friday.
I'm glad it's not weird.
Everything hurts but in the best way possible which makes a pleasant change. It's a good shock to my body.
Next week I've no work (except maybe Wednesday) so with any luck he might be free sometime to hang out. Maybe not, who knows? All I know is my body has pricked its ears to the sound of pleasure. God.
That first time aaaa.
Monday, 11 August 2014
Saturday, 9 August 2014
I'm happy and I'm sad.
I'm happy because I finally got my cuddles, my kisses, my laughs.
Got to sleep beside him again. Got to see his face in the morning.
Got to feel him against my skin.
I'm sad because I have to accept that something beautiful is over.
The odds were always overwhelmingly that we weren't going to be forever, but then again neither of us was looking for forever. I knew it was over but as long as I didn't know for sure I could still hope.
If I get to keep the friendship, and maybe some sex thrown in there too, then I'll be okay.
The friendship is what I value and the sex is great.
I'm sad because I was so happy. I can still be happy and I am, but it's still a loss to grieve.
Perhaps in a month I'll thank him. Perhaps in a month we revisit this conversation.
All I know for sure right now is this is the reality and the reality I must and will accept.
I remember what it was like when I wanted to end something and the other person didn't respect my ability to make that call.
I'm not going to be that person. I respect him too much to push for it. I'm not sure I would want to anyway.
I wouldn't want to pick up where we left off. I know and he knows that the way it ended, everything that went down, was not okay. But in a way, to want to pick up where we left off sends the message that it was. It makes me a doormat.
I look forward, not backward. But I don't forget the past as I move into the future.
I'm not okay with what happened but I understand the events leading up to it and why it happened. I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with him.
It'll take me some time to readjust to this new reality but I will.
I know where I stand now and I can deal with that.
I'm happy because I got to be with someone I enjoy being with. I'm happier still because I got to spend time with my friend for the first time in what feels like forever. I've missed that more than even I realised. It felt so good to hold a hand, to lie in bed and feel my skin on his, to kiss. The way he smiles makes me feel a million dollars. I missed that.
And that's not going away. The lying in bed part might but the laughter, the smiles, the conversation... made me remember why I spent time thinking about this person in the first place.
Not a second wasted, and not a second of regret.
Spending time together and (potential) casual sex is a pretty good deal. I'm definitely okay with that. The rest will follow naturally.
I see him again tomorrow. More chance to talk. More time to laugh.
I missed him so much and I feel a whole lot better for having seen him, even though the circumstances aren't ideal.
My only regret is that there isn't a single picture of us together. That blows.
I'm sad, but I'm okay. I'm happy.
I'm happy because I finally got my cuddles, my kisses, my laughs.
Got to sleep beside him again. Got to see his face in the morning.
Got to feel him against my skin.
I'm sad because I have to accept that something beautiful is over.
The odds were always overwhelmingly that we weren't going to be forever, but then again neither of us was looking for forever. I knew it was over but as long as I didn't know for sure I could still hope.
If I get to keep the friendship, and maybe some sex thrown in there too, then I'll be okay.
The friendship is what I value and the sex is great.
I'm sad because I was so happy. I can still be happy and I am, but it's still a loss to grieve.
Perhaps in a month I'll thank him. Perhaps in a month we revisit this conversation.
All I know for sure right now is this is the reality and the reality I must and will accept.
I remember what it was like when I wanted to end something and the other person didn't respect my ability to make that call.
I'm not going to be that person. I respect him too much to push for it. I'm not sure I would want to anyway.
I wouldn't want to pick up where we left off. I know and he knows that the way it ended, everything that went down, was not okay. But in a way, to want to pick up where we left off sends the message that it was. It makes me a doormat.
I look forward, not backward. But I don't forget the past as I move into the future.
I'm not okay with what happened but I understand the events leading up to it and why it happened. I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with him.
It'll take me some time to readjust to this new reality but I will.
I know where I stand now and I can deal with that.
I'm happy because I got to be with someone I enjoy being with. I'm happier still because I got to spend time with my friend for the first time in what feels like forever. I've missed that more than even I realised. It felt so good to hold a hand, to lie in bed and feel my skin on his, to kiss. The way he smiles makes me feel a million dollars. I missed that.
And that's not going away. The lying in bed part might but the laughter, the smiles, the conversation... made me remember why I spent time thinking about this person in the first place.
Not a second wasted, and not a second of regret.
Spending time together and (potential) casual sex is a pretty good deal. I'm definitely okay with that. The rest will follow naturally.
I see him again tomorrow. More chance to talk. More time to laugh.
I missed him so much and I feel a whole lot better for having seen him, even though the circumstances aren't ideal.
My only regret is that there isn't a single picture of us together. That blows.
I'm sad, but I'm okay. I'm happy.
Friday, 8 August 2014
okay so I was over the moon. Now I'm super conflicted.
This is exactly why I wanted to talk face to face. This facebook shite is confusing.
Looks like no relationship. But still mad sex drive? blughhh
So all the physical stuff is in, but the emotional is out? Or maybe we just didn't want open that can of worms over facebook directly after saying it was time to go to bed.
And we don't get to talk about that properly? I just get to sit with it all night.
I notice it was that he "likes" me a lot. Emotional distance there already. Could be conscious method of self-preservation, could be an attempt to stay away from emotive language, could be that actually feelings were overstated to begin with.
Could be me reading too much into something I didn't want to know yet.
I wanted this to be face to face because it wasn't before. I'm happy to talk but serious stuff... it has to wait until it can be discussed properly. Not behind a keyboard because it's easier. Specially not before bedtime.
None of this is easy.
People fight. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. And if it is, then I want to hear it directly, not somewhere that one of us can log off and then pretend like the other person isn't there any more.
I am happy. But I'm also conflicted and I just didn't want to talk about that end of things until we got to see each other. It's done now though.
And it's difficult. There's no right way to be doing this. It's hard for me and I'm sure that's mutual.
But enough has been misinterpreted and taken the wrong way and done with distance and cold technological precision. You can't log off from a human conversation and that's as it should be. The rest can be discussed properly, or not at all.
Okay Ash now shut up and go to bed.
Stop stressing, it's done now.
You'll see him soon and get it all worked out, one way or another you'll know where you stand and you can go from there.
This is exactly why I wanted to talk face to face. This facebook shite is confusing.
Looks like no relationship. But still mad sex drive? blughhh
So all the physical stuff is in, but the emotional is out? Or maybe we just didn't want open that can of worms over facebook directly after saying it was time to go to bed.
And we don't get to talk about that properly? I just get to sit with it all night.
I notice it was that he "likes" me a lot. Emotional distance there already. Could be conscious method of self-preservation, could be an attempt to stay away from emotive language, could be that actually feelings were overstated to begin with.
Could be me reading too much into something I didn't want to know yet.
I wanted this to be face to face because it wasn't before. I'm happy to talk but serious stuff... it has to wait until it can be discussed properly. Not behind a keyboard because it's easier. Specially not before bedtime.
None of this is easy.
People fight. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. And if it is, then I want to hear it directly, not somewhere that one of us can log off and then pretend like the other person isn't there any more.
I am happy. But I'm also conflicted and I just didn't want to talk about that end of things until we got to see each other. It's done now though.
And it's difficult. There's no right way to be doing this. It's hard for me and I'm sure that's mutual.
But enough has been misinterpreted and taken the wrong way and done with distance and cold technological precision. You can't log off from a human conversation and that's as it should be. The rest can be discussed properly, or not at all.
Okay Ash now shut up and go to bed.
Stop stressing, it's done now.
You'll see him soon and get it all worked out, one way or another you'll know where you stand and you can go from there.
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Timing is everything II
Okay so that just sunk in. Freaking out with stress right now. I looked at a place this arvo and it was so small for the price the guy was asking.
I don't know how I'm gonna do this.
And I have so much stuff now... too much for a share house, not enough for a house. And being boss of a house has a whole other set of challenges.
And tomorrow is Friday and I have to see Troy and I don't know what to do.
He messaged me on Tuesday. Asked when was a good time to call me. I responded that there isn't one.
I really need someone to talk to but there isn't anybody.
I don't know what to do. I hate that I have to do it alone. I hate that the one person I thought I could talk to isn't here and all my other friends are either chasing tail or busy. Is it so much to ask that people just put their shit to one side and hang out with another person without making it into something with strings attached??
I'm sick of this bullshit.
I've been chatting to Karen and trying to get a time sorted with Belle and Caris.
Scott keeps messaging me. Jake offered to share house with me and it makes me want to SCREAM. This is after I've told him that no, I don't want him to mow my lawn and no, he doesn't need to donate to me and install new car speakers. Why won't people just LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm not interested. I don't WANT anything. I'm in limbo. I'm grieving and I'm hoping all at once. I want to spend time with people and I want to talk, yeah. At least in a relationship those people just cut off contact altogether, or pulled their heads in. This is intolerable. The girls are all busy. I'm trying so hard to get a time with them but I can't find one. Even Phillip is being weird. PHILLIP.
And now I have to organise a house and move in a month?
I just want a friend. I want the person who I could always talk to about anything. I miss that. I miss feeling safe.
I don't know how I'm going to handle tomorrow or the rest.
I'm reaching out for support and either getting nothing, smut or flirting.
I just want people to listen.
I just want to talk.
I feel so alone. So overwhelmed. I need someone to slap me in the face and tell me it'll all be okay and to cut it out.
It's so frustrating trying to be social and finding people only angling for one thing. I'M. NOT. INTERESTED. Not in anything or anyone outside of my relationship and let's face it that's pretty up in the air so this is coming from a place of (possibly misguided) hope and loyalty as well as grieving.
You know before I even agreed to this whole relationship malarkey I had to reconcile the fact that I wasn't going to be playing the field.
In what kind of fucked up world do I have multiple guys dying at my feet while I yearn for exclusivity with someone who doesn't want me?
How is that fair?
Every time some comment is made it just reminds me that I can't have that with the person I want to. Every time they make a joke about me missing them or something they want to do all it does is remind me I lost my partner in crime on that front. It hurts every time.
And it's not an aphrodisiac.
I'm just. Not. Interested.
I'm in way over my head here. Wrapping my head around the relationship stuff is bad enough without my kick-out date being brought forward or people being total cunts all at the same time. Even Phillip for shitsake. It makes me so angry I want to cry.
I want my friend back. Relationship would be a bonus but I'll take what I can get at this point.
timing is everything
Just found out I have to be out of here by October because I'm not moving into Stratton, so they're selling up there to move to Beechboro permanently.
I was hoping for longer.
I'd move into Stratton if it was going to mean I was closer to the hills but that didn't seem relevant any more so there was no reason to say yes to the place.
I was hoping for longer to decide, to see what happened with the relationship.
Guess that's out now.
I was going to base where I moved to on a relationship.
Four assignments in September, I don't want to be moving then but I guess I have no choice now.
Ear to the ground and carry on.
I was hoping for longer.
I'd move into Stratton if it was going to mean I was closer to the hills but that didn't seem relevant any more so there was no reason to say yes to the place.
I was hoping for longer to decide, to see what happened with the relationship.
Guess that's out now.
I was going to base where I moved to on a relationship.
Four assignments in September, I don't want to be moving then but I guess I have no choice now.
Ear to the ground and carry on.
Wednesday, 6 August 2014
Today was another day.
I missed my class because I just couldn't get the motivation to go in to uni. I went to work til 9pm though so I can't say I did nothing all day.
The ache in my chest is still there but it's being replaced with a sigh. Shrodinger is still messing with my head but I'm happy to wait. I want to do this right.
The friendship is what's important to me now above all else. Anything else is a super bonus.
Michael made a few funny comments today and we did our fire experiment. Big win. Fire is always a win.
Talked about seeing my friends again when we visited "big school" to get moo the treat she missed out on yesterday because I picked her up right as cake was being served for some other kid's birthday.
I miss the company of someone who makes me laugh and feel safe but until then I want to go out and be as social as I can. It's hard for me and that's why I want to do it. I was never a social butterfly but I was never socially anxious either. Time to kick this thing in the butt. It'll be good for me.
Actually my biggest gripe right now is sex. I am so frustrated it's not funny. It's been what now, six weeks? Seven? I'm kind of annoyed my interests are specific to one person and I'm not into porn because seriously I could do that thing where it went for like an hour and a half or whatever it was. I'm going crazy over here!
Like for once in my life I feel like socially I'm on top of it but there's so much else I'd like to be on top of as well.
arghhhhhh
Saw there's another pole dancing comp coming up and toyed with the idea of going but it kind of feels like a "thing" now. Can't share that with anybody else! God knows what I'm supposed to do about GoT if we don't get back together. That first episode will be the saddest ever even if Tyrion punches everyone I dislike in the face.
To be honest why would I even go to a pole dancing contest without a partner in crime anyway. More frustration is NOT what I need right now.
So that's it for the deep and soulful reflections of Ash for now.
tl;dr I miss being close with one person and by close I don't mean hugging unless it's the special kind. I'd take any hugging actually. Or coffee. But hugging and coffee post special hugging sounds pretty ace.
Oh and I'm officially importing contraband into the country. Ordered an ecig off eBay, Juggs from contiki recommended me one. Was gonna get Scott to bring me one back from the eastern states but then nahhhh. It's on it's way! I'm done with smoking. I'm stressed and that doesn't help so the sooner I find something to help me kick it in the butt the better. #smuggler
Trying to use this incredibly sad and confusing (and frustrating) time to make good choices. From the ashes will rise a healthier (better looking and more socially well-rounded) phoenix.
But yeah, coffee. I don't even like coffee. But I could like coffee. I'd make an exception for coffee right about now. *sigh*
I missed my class because I just couldn't get the motivation to go in to uni. I went to work til 9pm though so I can't say I did nothing all day.
The ache in my chest is still there but it's being replaced with a sigh. Shrodinger is still messing with my head but I'm happy to wait. I want to do this right.
The friendship is what's important to me now above all else. Anything else is a super bonus.
Michael made a few funny comments today and we did our fire experiment. Big win. Fire is always a win.
Talked about seeing my friends again when we visited "big school" to get moo the treat she missed out on yesterday because I picked her up right as cake was being served for some other kid's birthday.
I miss the company of someone who makes me laugh and feel safe but until then I want to go out and be as social as I can. It's hard for me and that's why I want to do it. I was never a social butterfly but I was never socially anxious either. Time to kick this thing in the butt. It'll be good for me.
Actually my biggest gripe right now is sex. I am so frustrated it's not funny. It's been what now, six weeks? Seven? I'm kind of annoyed my interests are specific to one person and I'm not into porn because seriously I could do that thing where it went for like an hour and a half or whatever it was. I'm going crazy over here!
Like for once in my life I feel like socially I'm on top of it but there's so much else I'd like to be on top of as well.
arghhhhhh
Saw there's another pole dancing comp coming up and toyed with the idea of going but it kind of feels like a "thing" now. Can't share that with anybody else! God knows what I'm supposed to do about GoT if we don't get back together. That first episode will be the saddest ever even if Tyrion punches everyone I dislike in the face.
To be honest why would I even go to a pole dancing contest without a partner in crime anyway. More frustration is NOT what I need right now.
So that's it for the deep and soulful reflections of Ash for now.
tl;dr I miss being close with one person and by close I don't mean hugging unless it's the special kind. I'd take any hugging actually. Or coffee. But hugging and coffee post special hugging sounds pretty ace.
Oh and I'm officially importing contraband into the country. Ordered an ecig off eBay, Juggs from contiki recommended me one. Was gonna get Scott to bring me one back from the eastern states but then nahhhh. It's on it's way! I'm done with smoking. I'm stressed and that doesn't help so the sooner I find something to help me kick it in the butt the better. #smuggler
Trying to use this incredibly sad and confusing (and frustrating) time to make good choices. From the ashes will rise a healthier (better looking and more socially well-rounded) phoenix.
But yeah, coffee. I don't even like coffee. But I could like coffee. I'd make an exception for coffee right about now. *sigh*
A long story, full of sighs
A long day.
Was disgustingly tired at uni today.
Michael fucked me around with lunch something chronic.
Saw Shane doing a SA stall outside the library, apparently he's re-enrolled in another bachelor of arts (because hey, why not?). I don't even know why they allowed that, apparently they weren't keen but he got them to agree somehow. I wasn't talking to him for long. He wants to catch up sometime. I don't.
I joined a club today in a moment of weakness. I was walking around the pissing contest on oak lawn and thought well another social outlet will be nice. I've meant to join a club at uni and this is potentially my last chance at UWA. I hate meeting new people though. Actually not strictly true. I love meeting new people, I just dislike being thrown into social settings in which I don't know anybody and there's lots of noise and movement and overcrowding. A pub crawl with strangers is NOT my jam. Still, I've done it now and worst case scenario I've thrown $5 down the drain. I'd like to give it a try though. Not the pub crawl bit, but the socialising bit. I realise I've relied on the social relationships of others a little much because it's been easier, more comfortable. Time to start getting uncomfortable and (hopefully) slowly reap some benefits.
I heard from Corey today. ARGHGGGGGGHGHGHGHGHG is a pretty good summary of my feelings at the end of that conversation. I've had it with the innuendo punctuated by "haha" to make it seem like a joke.
It's not funny.
Like I mean this is a transcript of part of the conversation:
C: Yep. What are you doing? U at lunch? Should we grab lunch or something when I get back?
A: Yeah just chilling til work starts
A: Might be meeting a mate in ten
C: Tonight? Wow that's a keen meet.
A: No in ten minutes lol [at this point bracing for impact of next comment but still trying to head it off at the pass]
C: Oh bahaha right well have fun with that.
A: Yeah maybe lol [drop it mate. now]
C: What atree you upto?hehe. I think I know. Talk after work I finish at 6:30
A: Um not sure what that is meant to mean but ok
C: You know haha. Come on u been away for ages. Not even the slightest erge to you know hehe. Haha. Dont worry
A: What fuck the first person I see? No not even the slightest urge. Got dumped while I was away. Not funny
C: Shit I am soo sorry I didn't mean anything buy it. I didn't knie about that. I am sorry. I hope ur ok
A: Whether you knew about it or not can you keep comments about my sex life to yourself thanks
C: Sorry. I was just playing around ash
Now I don't know if I was tired, if it was the reminder of my sex life or lack thereof, or the fact that it was wrong and about MICHAEL of all people, or just plain rude and not funny but I was just fuming. I've had it with these conversations. I've said time and again it's not on. Jokes aren't jokes unless everyone's laughing, and as far as he's concerned his sex life is no laughing matter and as far as I'm concerned it's juvenile and nobody's damn business.
Anyway after that exchange yet ANOTHER comment was made leading to me reverting back to being twelve and putting it on facebook. UGH I hate myself. But I was so angry. It's not funny and it's not friendly. It's inappropriate and I'm very serious when I say it's not okay. I've had it up to here.
So then I went to work.
Work was good. I was viciously attacked by no less than six five year olds whose parents were happy to watch and laugh at me as I was sat on, dragged around, pushed over and giving countless spinny-winnies to kids who are now verging on too big for it, ie the amount of speed I need to get them up to in order to keep them off the ground means that if something goes wrong, it goes horribly wrong.
This is all fine except I broke out in the worst hives imaginable (and I took a hayfever tablet today) and was itchy ALL afternoon. Still kind of am. They're fun though. I like playing with the kids. I like that they see me trying desperately to look inconspicuous and disinterested and decide to actively try and play with me because I'm fun. You're only able to throw around and tickle and have other people's children jump on your boobs for so long before eyebrows start being raised. The kids should glory in being kids now, while they still can.
Made a truck with Michael out of recycled waste. Anna should save some of it for crafty stuff. I know she doesn't want to clog up the house but bin diving every time the kids want to make something gets old.
Got into an "I love you" competition with Michael today. "I love you to the moon and all the stars" "I love you to the moon and the stars and back again" "I love you that much double" "I love you that much triple" "I love you that much triple plus three"
Michael asked how my thing went that I had to answer the questions for. I was momentarily confused because I'd just been explaining what a quiz night was and thought that's what he meant. "No, that thing you had to do at big school and if you didn't get all the questions right you had to do it again" "Oh, you mean an exam?" "Yeah that was it, an exam!" "Yeah I passed my exam, I got the questions right" "Good work Ash, you're a really hard worker and I'm glad you got all the questions right" "Gee, thanks Michael" "I think that too!" [Rebecca] "Thanks Rebecca!"
Such sweet little kids.
"Ash did you see your friend at big school today?"
"I saw a couple of my friends at big school today. I saw my friend Shane who you might not remember and I saw my friend Michael [for like, five minutes I had to walk back onto campus for]. He's a grown up Michael but you don't know him."
"No, I meant your other friend. Rebecca had one and you had one"
"Jacob?"
"Yeah, Rebecca saw her Jacob today, did you see your Jacob today?"
"Nah, I just saw my other uni friends today. And did you know, I'm seeing another one of my friends tonight after I say goodbye to you!"
"Which friend are you seeing tonight?"
"I'm seeing my friend Scott, we're going to get some dinner and then we might have a nice drink of something if it's not too late"
"Oh. Are you seeing all your friends this week?"
"I'm seeing some of them but not all of them because some of them are busy"
"Are they busy because they failed their exam and had to do it again?"
"No, not this week."
"Did Shane fail an exam?"
"Yeah he did"
"That's because he's incredibly silly, but you're not incredibly silly because you got the questions right"
Out of the mouths of babes and all that shit. I can't believe they even remember who he is though. I spose it makes sense Michael might remember given he's a bit older and all, but still, impressive. I think we're getting to the age now that uncomfortable truths are going to start pouring out of his mouth.
He's definitely starting to repeat stuff that gets said. I heard him say to Rebecca, with an impressive air of conviction I might add, "only boring people get bored!". Considering I only EVER say that to him and he NEVER likes hearing it, it was like holy crap. Between that and hearing me refer to myself as incredibly silly earlier in a conversation and then using it in a different context later on I have to really watch my turns of phrase I think.
Saw Scott after work for some pasta cup that I INFINITELY REGRET.
No drinks, he just came to borrow GoT and compared travel notes. He's off to Melbourne or something later on this weekish until sometime next week, I don't know, I wasn't really listening. Wonder if he'll see Molly? I haven't seen her for years, I miss her. She's absolutely mad! Her fiancee is called Molly too which is hilarious. Pretty sure they have the same middle name too. If they do eventually get married, that shit is going to get confusing real quick.
I'm working late tomorrow night and Thursday night. I don't mind, I don't have anywhere else to be at night and no uni in the morning to be too tired for. May as well stay and get some extra moolah. Holla holla, as I believe the saying went.
It was a long day and I was tired and grumpy and sore but the kids brightened up my day something fierce and it was nice seeing Scott after not seeing him for so long.
Interestingly, when I got home I found an apology from Jake on my facebook which took me by surprise. Guilty conscience after seeing my dummy spit? Don't know, don't care. If he feels like he crossed a line then better he feel sorry about it than keep doing it. I'm sick of explaining to people that single is not the same as easy. I'm sick of explaining that bi is not the same as easy. Actually I'm pretty sick of explaining that "interested in you as a person" is not the same as easy. I actually found myself, and I'm pretty sure this would be condoned by someone I care deeply about, denouncing the friendzone as a stupid construct designed to trivialise platonic friendships as somehow less fulfilling than ones involving bumping uglies in the face of determined opposition. Like, passionately putting that argument forth in the face of blatant "what is wrong with you" stares and comments.
Well pissed that I got Amity tickets and then Caris and Belle and Scott went to get some and they were sold out. Really not keen on going to these things on my own, as previously mentioned. Might find someone flogging one and pass it on.
Ache is still in my chest but I'm doing my best to ignore it.
Being as social as I'm able given work. I think it's the best thing, a healthy thing, a good thing.
In the immortal words of My Chemical Romance, I am not afraid to keep on living and I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
For too long I've let myself be shy because it's been easier to stay shut away and only come out with someone I trust. No more. I'm making an effort now and I will continue to do so regardless of what the outcome of this saga is. Maybe it'll be the best thing to come of the last couple of weeks.
On a level I wish I never went on that stupid holiday. It wasn't worth this and I'd trade it in an instant.
On another I feel that everything is because it simply is. It's not right or wrong because objectively there's no standard to judge it by. Things aren't "meant to be", they just ARE, and all we can do is let it shape us in the best possible way and not the worst.
I've let things shape me negatively before, and it's proven a hard thing to change later. Not this time. There are things I need to change, not for anybody else but for myself. One of those things is going to be keeping my own friendships strong even when it's easier to allow them to wither.
That's why I joined that stupid club.
That's why I saw Phillip yesterday, even though he made a couple of weird comments I'm still sussing out how I feel about. That's why I stopped at the stall and made small talk. That's why I walked back on campus to say hi to Michael. That's why I saw Scott tonight. That's why I'm making plans with Richie. That's why I tried to get Caris and Belle to Amity Affliction at the end of the month. Reeeeeally hope we can track down tix somewhere.
This isn't for anybody's benefit but mine and it can only be a good thing.
So all up, today was a win. Thanks kids! Have to remember to bring a candle with me tomorrow so we can do a fire experiment ("fire doesn't BREATHE!" "yes it does, if you cut off the air the fire goes out. I'll bring a candle tomorrow and prove it"). Have to remember to bring dinner with me too. That's going to be tricky given I'm at uni in the morning. Might have to leave earlier and drop food in before I go to class. I went to my class today. People frustrated the shit out of me but I'm tired, I'm grumpy and I'm sore so my bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low, and in fairness Corey is a repeat offender in that regard. I took a leap of faith and joined a club. I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time.
And it was good.
Was disgustingly tired at uni today.
Michael fucked me around with lunch something chronic.
Saw Shane doing a SA stall outside the library, apparently he's re-enrolled in another bachelor of arts (because hey, why not?). I don't even know why they allowed that, apparently they weren't keen but he got them to agree somehow. I wasn't talking to him for long. He wants to catch up sometime. I don't.
I joined a club today in a moment of weakness. I was walking around the pissing contest on oak lawn and thought well another social outlet will be nice. I've meant to join a club at uni and this is potentially my last chance at UWA. I hate meeting new people though. Actually not strictly true. I love meeting new people, I just dislike being thrown into social settings in which I don't know anybody and there's lots of noise and movement and overcrowding. A pub crawl with strangers is NOT my jam. Still, I've done it now and worst case scenario I've thrown $5 down the drain. I'd like to give it a try though. Not the pub crawl bit, but the socialising bit. I realise I've relied on the social relationships of others a little much because it's been easier, more comfortable. Time to start getting uncomfortable and (hopefully) slowly reap some benefits.
I heard from Corey today. ARGHGGGGGGHGHGHGHGHG is a pretty good summary of my feelings at the end of that conversation. I've had it with the innuendo punctuated by "haha" to make it seem like a joke.
It's not funny.
Like I mean this is a transcript of part of the conversation:
C: Yep. What are you doing? U at lunch? Should we grab lunch or something when I get back?
A: Yeah just chilling til work starts
A: Might be meeting a mate in ten
C: Tonight? Wow that's a keen meet.
A: No in ten minutes lol [at this point bracing for impact of next comment but still trying to head it off at the pass]
C: Oh bahaha right well have fun with that.
A: Yeah maybe lol [drop it mate. now]
C: What atree you upto?hehe. I think I know. Talk after work I finish at 6:30
A: Um not sure what that is meant to mean but ok
C: You know haha. Come on u been away for ages. Not even the slightest erge to you know hehe. Haha. Dont worry
A: What fuck the first person I see? No not even the slightest urge. Got dumped while I was away. Not funny
C: Shit I am soo sorry I didn't mean anything buy it. I didn't knie about that. I am sorry. I hope ur ok
A: Whether you knew about it or not can you keep comments about my sex life to yourself thanks
C: Sorry. I was just playing around ash
Now I don't know if I was tired, if it was the reminder of my sex life or lack thereof, or the fact that it was wrong and about MICHAEL of all people, or just plain rude and not funny but I was just fuming. I've had it with these conversations. I've said time and again it's not on. Jokes aren't jokes unless everyone's laughing, and as far as he's concerned his sex life is no laughing matter and as far as I'm concerned it's juvenile and nobody's damn business.
Anyway after that exchange yet ANOTHER comment was made leading to me reverting back to being twelve and putting it on facebook. UGH I hate myself. But I was so angry. It's not funny and it's not friendly. It's inappropriate and I'm very serious when I say it's not okay. I've had it up to here.
So then I went to work.
Work was good. I was viciously attacked by no less than six five year olds whose parents were happy to watch and laugh at me as I was sat on, dragged around, pushed over and giving countless spinny-winnies to kids who are now verging on too big for it, ie the amount of speed I need to get them up to in order to keep them off the ground means that if something goes wrong, it goes horribly wrong.
This is all fine except I broke out in the worst hives imaginable (and I took a hayfever tablet today) and was itchy ALL afternoon. Still kind of am. They're fun though. I like playing with the kids. I like that they see me trying desperately to look inconspicuous and disinterested and decide to actively try and play with me because I'm fun. You're only able to throw around and tickle and have other people's children jump on your boobs for so long before eyebrows start being raised. The kids should glory in being kids now, while they still can.
Made a truck with Michael out of recycled waste. Anna should save some of it for crafty stuff. I know she doesn't want to clog up the house but bin diving every time the kids want to make something gets old.
Got into an "I love you" competition with Michael today. "I love you to the moon and all the stars" "I love you to the moon and the stars and back again" "I love you that much double" "I love you that much triple" "I love you that much triple plus three"
Michael asked how my thing went that I had to answer the questions for. I was momentarily confused because I'd just been explaining what a quiz night was and thought that's what he meant. "No, that thing you had to do at big school and if you didn't get all the questions right you had to do it again" "Oh, you mean an exam?" "Yeah that was it, an exam!" "Yeah I passed my exam, I got the questions right" "Good work Ash, you're a really hard worker and I'm glad you got all the questions right" "Gee, thanks Michael" "I think that too!" [Rebecca] "Thanks Rebecca!"
Such sweet little kids.
"Ash did you see your friend at big school today?"
"I saw a couple of my friends at big school today. I saw my friend Shane who you might not remember and I saw my friend Michael [for like, five minutes I had to walk back onto campus for]. He's a grown up Michael but you don't know him."
"No, I meant your other friend. Rebecca had one and you had one"
"Jacob?"
"Yeah, Rebecca saw her Jacob today, did you see your Jacob today?"
"Nah, I just saw my other uni friends today. And did you know, I'm seeing another one of my friends tonight after I say goodbye to you!"
"Which friend are you seeing tonight?"
"I'm seeing my friend Scott, we're going to get some dinner and then we might have a nice drink of something if it's not too late"
"Oh. Are you seeing all your friends this week?"
"I'm seeing some of them but not all of them because some of them are busy"
"Are they busy because they failed their exam and had to do it again?"
"No, not this week."
"Did Shane fail an exam?"
"Yeah he did"
"That's because he's incredibly silly, but you're not incredibly silly because you got the questions right"
Out of the mouths of babes and all that shit. I can't believe they even remember who he is though. I spose it makes sense Michael might remember given he's a bit older and all, but still, impressive. I think we're getting to the age now that uncomfortable truths are going to start pouring out of his mouth.
He's definitely starting to repeat stuff that gets said. I heard him say to Rebecca, with an impressive air of conviction I might add, "only boring people get bored!". Considering I only EVER say that to him and he NEVER likes hearing it, it was like holy crap. Between that and hearing me refer to myself as incredibly silly earlier in a conversation and then using it in a different context later on I have to really watch my turns of phrase I think.
Saw Scott after work for some pasta cup that I INFINITELY REGRET.
No drinks, he just came to borrow GoT and compared travel notes. He's off to Melbourne or something later on this weekish until sometime next week, I don't know, I wasn't really listening. Wonder if he'll see Molly? I haven't seen her for years, I miss her. She's absolutely mad! Her fiancee is called Molly too which is hilarious. Pretty sure they have the same middle name too. If they do eventually get married, that shit is going to get confusing real quick.
I'm working late tomorrow night and Thursday night. I don't mind, I don't have anywhere else to be at night and no uni in the morning to be too tired for. May as well stay and get some extra moolah. Holla holla, as I believe the saying went.
It was a long day and I was tired and grumpy and sore but the kids brightened up my day something fierce and it was nice seeing Scott after not seeing him for so long.
Interestingly, when I got home I found an apology from Jake on my facebook which took me by surprise. Guilty conscience after seeing my dummy spit? Don't know, don't care. If he feels like he crossed a line then better he feel sorry about it than keep doing it. I'm sick of explaining to people that single is not the same as easy. I'm sick of explaining that bi is not the same as easy. Actually I'm pretty sick of explaining that "interested in you as a person" is not the same as easy. I actually found myself, and I'm pretty sure this would be condoned by someone I care deeply about, denouncing the friendzone as a stupid construct designed to trivialise platonic friendships as somehow less fulfilling than ones involving bumping uglies in the face of determined opposition. Like, passionately putting that argument forth in the face of blatant "what is wrong with you" stares and comments.
Well pissed that I got Amity tickets and then Caris and Belle and Scott went to get some and they were sold out. Really not keen on going to these things on my own, as previously mentioned. Might find someone flogging one and pass it on.
Ache is still in my chest but I'm doing my best to ignore it.
Being as social as I'm able given work. I think it's the best thing, a healthy thing, a good thing.
In the immortal words of My Chemical Romance, I am not afraid to keep on living and I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
For too long I've let myself be shy because it's been easier to stay shut away and only come out with someone I trust. No more. I'm making an effort now and I will continue to do so regardless of what the outcome of this saga is. Maybe it'll be the best thing to come of the last couple of weeks.
On a level I wish I never went on that stupid holiday. It wasn't worth this and I'd trade it in an instant.
On another I feel that everything is because it simply is. It's not right or wrong because objectively there's no standard to judge it by. Things aren't "meant to be", they just ARE, and all we can do is let it shape us in the best possible way and not the worst.
I've let things shape me negatively before, and it's proven a hard thing to change later. Not this time. There are things I need to change, not for anybody else but for myself. One of those things is going to be keeping my own friendships strong even when it's easier to allow them to wither.
That's why I joined that stupid club.
That's why I saw Phillip yesterday, even though he made a couple of weird comments I'm still sussing out how I feel about. That's why I stopped at the stall and made small talk. That's why I walked back on campus to say hi to Michael. That's why I saw Scott tonight. That's why I'm making plans with Richie. That's why I tried to get Caris and Belle to Amity Affliction at the end of the month. Reeeeeally hope we can track down tix somewhere.
This isn't for anybody's benefit but mine and it can only be a good thing.
So all up, today was a win. Thanks kids! Have to remember to bring a candle with me tomorrow so we can do a fire experiment ("fire doesn't BREATHE!" "yes it does, if you cut off the air the fire goes out. I'll bring a candle tomorrow and prove it"). Have to remember to bring dinner with me too. That's going to be tricky given I'm at uni in the morning. Might have to leave earlier and drop food in before I go to class. I went to my class today. People frustrated the shit out of me but I'm tired, I'm grumpy and I'm sore so my bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low, and in fairness Corey is a repeat offender in that regard. I took a leap of faith and joined a club. I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time.
And it was good.
Monday, 4 August 2014
So I finally saw Karen today. She wanted the lowdown and naturally had a few choice words.
My message remained the same.
It's between us, we'll work it out.
It's out of my hands now, I just have to wait and see.
He knows I really, really, really want to work it out so the ball is in his court.
It was a stupid fight and it wasn't worth this. That's either going to be recognised or it isn't.
Either way there's nothing more I can do.
I'll see him when I see him and then we'll talk about whatever comes next.
Either way my priority has always been and will always be the friendship.
She thinks he doesn't want it. I don't know. I'll find out.
I'll wait, and I'll wait for as long as it takes.
I fell in love and there's not a whole lot I can do about that.
I would move heaven and earth to fix it but that's not within my power. I can't try and fix something that I'm not allowed to. I just have to be patient. He knows how deeply I feel on this, that can't be in any doubt since I saw him last week.
Nothing has changed for me and given the chance, I'm determined to show how much I care about this relationship.
But it's not up to me.
I told her to hold her tongue until I know what's going on, however long that takes.
It's not up to me now.
My message remained the same.
It's between us, we'll work it out.
It's out of my hands now, I just have to wait and see.
He knows I really, really, really want to work it out so the ball is in his court.
It was a stupid fight and it wasn't worth this. That's either going to be recognised or it isn't.
Either way there's nothing more I can do.
I'll see him when I see him and then we'll talk about whatever comes next.
Either way my priority has always been and will always be the friendship.
She thinks he doesn't want it. I don't know. I'll find out.
I'll wait, and I'll wait for as long as it takes.
I fell in love and there's not a whole lot I can do about that.
I would move heaven and earth to fix it but that's not within my power. I can't try and fix something that I'm not allowed to. I just have to be patient. He knows how deeply I feel on this, that can't be in any doubt since I saw him last week.
Nothing has changed for me and given the chance, I'm determined to show how much I care about this relationship.
But it's not up to me.
I told her to hold her tongue until I know what's going on, however long that takes.
It's not up to me now.
Irony
Irony is arranging someone to come sit and watch while you have words with someone after a meeting, only to find that the person you were to have words with is in Kalgoorlie. Then the person arranged to sit with you goes to Kalgoorlie in time for the person you were having words with to come back.
Come this Friday night, I'm screwed.
The cavalry has offered to come back to Perth in a fortnight to be there when words are had, if I can get through the meeting this week. Thing is I don't want to wait that long, and I'm not dragging someone that far to do me a favour in all honesty I don't want them to do for me.
I'm just being selfish.
I want someone there but with the only two people I've told out of the equation for the minute, or longer I don't know, I don't want to explain to anyone else.
I feel so ashamed.
It was so hard to tell anybody to begin with, and now that I've not only told them but set things in motion, I'm left standing there by myself to deal with it.
Fair enough. My problem.
Always was, always will be.
I always had to do this on my own; why would it be any different now?
Man up, Ash. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody has to help them because you chose to tell them something and haven't told anybody else. There may have been an emotional obligation of sorts before but there isn't now. You're on your own. You'll always be on your own in this. Nobody is ever going to be there to fight these battles with you. You can't ever trust in that.
I feel so ashamed. This really is all my fault. Why did I start this if I didn't know that I could see it through by myself? This isn't anybody else's problem.
Maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I find myself in now if I hadn't offloaded and in so doing made it someone else's problem. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.
Too late, it's done now. I either do this alone this week, or I wait and I maybe do it next week. I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish.
I don't know what to do and I don't have anybody who can listen because I stupidly made myself feel that I had to talk about it and then found myself in a situation there was nobody to talk to about it. But too late, it was in the open and wheels were turning.
I don't know if I can do this.
I am strong. Life keeps throwing shit my way and I keep getting up and continuing to walk on by.
I keep on going.
I only need myself.
The one constant is that I'm always okay in the end.
Thing is I feel like that's fraying right now.
This is the most major decision I've made in recent history and I'm left here to follow it through alone.
There's other stuff going on as well and it's all wrapped up together.
I let myself be told there was someone I could always talk to about this. I let myself trust in that.
I still trust in that but I just can't make good on it right now. It wouldn't be fair.
I'm so scared.
See that was a lie up there, before.
This is a place I can always be honest but that's a lie I tell myself, all the time. Sometimes it's the only way I get through the day. I don't only need myself. Everybody needs a little support sometimes.
I had been feeling so optimistic, so happy, all of the time. Like I actually couldn't remember the last time I felt worried like this. I was with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world and I could do anything. I let myself think that maybe I could share a burden but look, just look, how that has worked out.
I only need myself.
I'm always okay in the end.
It's not true but it's still nobody else's problem.
Nobody owes me anything and I never should have let myself feel that I could rely on that.
You can never rely on that.
You always, always have to assume you'll deal alone, and then that way when you ask for help people will know you need it. That way, even if it all goes terribly wrong, even if there's nobody else around, you'll be okay.
I forgot to assume that.
Now I'm well fucked.
But I'll be okay.
I'm scared but there's no way but forward now.
Alone or with company, I will step out of the shadows no matter how deeply the light terrifies me.
Maybe they'll all call me a liar, maybe they'll call me worse.
Maybe they'll tell me I'm to blame.
Is it so wrong to want someone's hand to hold through that process?
Would I rather live safe in the dark than be judged alone in the light by people who don't know the story?
I've already put a foot into the light but nobody yet has seen my face. It's not too late to turn around and run.
I want to step forward but I don't want to do it alone.
Is that really so wrong?
Am I being selfish? Am I being weak?
I've carried this for so long, I feel like I started to put down that burden and now I don't want to pick up that burden again but I'm afraid of the consequences if I don't.
This isn't anybody else's problem and I don't intend to make this anybody else's problem any more.
My relationship, former relationship, is Schrödinger's cat. It's both possible and impossible, continuing and ended, optimism and pessimism.
I am okay with that.
I am okay with waiting.
It is worth waiting for.
It's worth every minute of every day.
I will have patience until I know where I stand, although I fear I know the answer in my gut already. I hope I'm wrong.
I will not make this a factor.
It is worth stepping back and swallowing my fear.
It is worth the nights I spend alone.
The chance that everything can be made right again, that I can have a chance to prove how deeply my feelings run, that I can prove that I can do better, I can BE better... I would move heaven and earth (and that's a big ask given heaven doesn't exist) to demonstrate how much this means to me.
But this is issue is here, today, now, in my head and in my heart. The fear of the light. Nobody else has ever told me they believed me. Nobody else has ever told me that anybody else might, too.
I want to do this but I'm afraid of being alone, ganged up on, called a liar.
I don't need anybody to help me step into the light. I just don't want to stand there alone.
I have until Friday to mull it over.
If I can get through Friday, I have until next Friday to decide whether I want to call in yet another favour with someone I don't really want to see. At all, actually. Like I really have no desire to see this person at all, and they'd only be coming to Perth to help me out. That feels so selfish, but I can't do this alone and I can't tell anybody else. Nobody else will understand.
I will be okay.
Nothing else has knocked me down yet.
This is not going to be the first.
I will be patient.
I will take life as it comes, with nothing but love in my heart, and I will make the best of what life throws at me.
I will hope, I will be patient, but I will be realistic.
Everything will be okay. I will be okay.
Just like I always have been in the end.
Come this Friday night, I'm screwed.
The cavalry has offered to come back to Perth in a fortnight to be there when words are had, if I can get through the meeting this week. Thing is I don't want to wait that long, and I'm not dragging someone that far to do me a favour in all honesty I don't want them to do for me.
I'm just being selfish.
I want someone there but with the only two people I've told out of the equation for the minute, or longer I don't know, I don't want to explain to anyone else.
I feel so ashamed.
It was so hard to tell anybody to begin with, and now that I've not only told them but set things in motion, I'm left standing there by myself to deal with it.
Fair enough. My problem.
Always was, always will be.
I always had to do this on my own; why would it be any different now?
Man up, Ash. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody has to help them because you chose to tell them something and haven't told anybody else. There may have been an emotional obligation of sorts before but there isn't now. You're on your own. You'll always be on your own in this. Nobody is ever going to be there to fight these battles with you. You can't ever trust in that.
I feel so ashamed. This really is all my fault. Why did I start this if I didn't know that I could see it through by myself? This isn't anybody else's problem.
Maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I find myself in now if I hadn't offloaded and in so doing made it someone else's problem. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.
Too late, it's done now. I either do this alone this week, or I wait and I maybe do it next week. I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish.
I don't know what to do and I don't have anybody who can listen because I stupidly made myself feel that I had to talk about it and then found myself in a situation there was nobody to talk to about it. But too late, it was in the open and wheels were turning.
I don't know if I can do this.
I am strong. Life keeps throwing shit my way and I keep getting up and continuing to walk on by.
I keep on going.
I only need myself.
The one constant is that I'm always okay in the end.
Thing is I feel like that's fraying right now.
This is the most major decision I've made in recent history and I'm left here to follow it through alone.
There's other stuff going on as well and it's all wrapped up together.
I let myself be told there was someone I could always talk to about this. I let myself trust in that.
I still trust in that but I just can't make good on it right now. It wouldn't be fair.
I'm so scared.
See that was a lie up there, before.
This is a place I can always be honest but that's a lie I tell myself, all the time. Sometimes it's the only way I get through the day. I don't only need myself. Everybody needs a little support sometimes.
I had been feeling so optimistic, so happy, all of the time. Like I actually couldn't remember the last time I felt worried like this. I was with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world and I could do anything. I let myself think that maybe I could share a burden but look, just look, how that has worked out.
I only need myself.
I'm always okay in the end.
It's not true but it's still nobody else's problem.
Nobody owes me anything and I never should have let myself feel that I could rely on that.
You can never rely on that.
You always, always have to assume you'll deal alone, and then that way when you ask for help people will know you need it. That way, even if it all goes terribly wrong, even if there's nobody else around, you'll be okay.
I forgot to assume that.
Now I'm well fucked.
But I'll be okay.
I'm scared but there's no way but forward now.
Alone or with company, I will step out of the shadows no matter how deeply the light terrifies me.
Maybe they'll all call me a liar, maybe they'll call me worse.
Maybe they'll tell me I'm to blame.
Is it so wrong to want someone's hand to hold through that process?
Would I rather live safe in the dark than be judged alone in the light by people who don't know the story?
I've already put a foot into the light but nobody yet has seen my face. It's not too late to turn around and run.
I want to step forward but I don't want to do it alone.
Is that really so wrong?
Am I being selfish? Am I being weak?
I've carried this for so long, I feel like I started to put down that burden and now I don't want to pick up that burden again but I'm afraid of the consequences if I don't.
This isn't anybody else's problem and I don't intend to make this anybody else's problem any more.
My relationship, former relationship, is Schrödinger's cat. It's both possible and impossible, continuing and ended, optimism and pessimism.
I am okay with that.
I am okay with waiting.
It is worth waiting for.
It's worth every minute of every day.
I will have patience until I know where I stand, although I fear I know the answer in my gut already. I hope I'm wrong.
I will not make this a factor.
It is worth stepping back and swallowing my fear.
It is worth the nights I spend alone.
The chance that everything can be made right again, that I can have a chance to prove how deeply my feelings run, that I can prove that I can do better, I can BE better... I would move heaven and earth (and that's a big ask given heaven doesn't exist) to demonstrate how much this means to me.
But this is issue is here, today, now, in my head and in my heart. The fear of the light. Nobody else has ever told me they believed me. Nobody else has ever told me that anybody else might, too.
I want to do this but I'm afraid of being alone, ganged up on, called a liar.
I don't need anybody to help me step into the light. I just don't want to stand there alone.
I have until Friday to mull it over.
If I can get through Friday, I have until next Friday to decide whether I want to call in yet another favour with someone I don't really want to see. At all, actually. Like I really have no desire to see this person at all, and they'd only be coming to Perth to help me out. That feels so selfish, but I can't do this alone and I can't tell anybody else. Nobody else will understand.
I will be okay.
Nothing else has knocked me down yet.
This is not going to be the first.
I will be patient.
I will take life as it comes, with nothing but love in my heart, and I will make the best of what life throws at me.
I will hope, I will be patient, but I will be realistic.
Everything will be okay. I will be okay.
Just like I always have been in the end.
Sunday, 3 August 2014
that explains a lot
I'm bleeding but I shouldn't be.
Explains the mood swings I've been having over the last couple of days. Explains why I've been so defensive about spending time with the cavalry. Explains why I've been so weirdly melancholy after feeling so much better after seeing my ex.
Explains everything. Now that I know I can understand why.
I feel okay, just sad. I'm worried but I know there's nothing I can do til I'm allowed to do it.
Gotta hold on to that reality no matter how weird and panicked I feel, now that I know where the emotional drive comes from.
Weird that it makes me think about sex. It's like there's no escape from it. I feel great I miss him, I think about sex with him. I bleed and I miss him and I think about sex with him. That's so not fair.
My insides feel like they've just been kicked by a horse and it kind of makes sense why I've spent the last couple of days feeling weirdly tetchy and like I've been kicked in the heart by a horse and that STILL makes me think about someone else.
Not cool, body. Not cool.
But now I know which means I can put it all in perspective.
Explains the mood swings I've been having over the last couple of days. Explains why I've been so defensive about spending time with the cavalry. Explains why I've been so weirdly melancholy after feeling so much better after seeing my ex.
Explains everything. Now that I know I can understand why.
I feel okay, just sad. I'm worried but I know there's nothing I can do til I'm allowed to do it.
Gotta hold on to that reality no matter how weird and panicked I feel, now that I know where the emotional drive comes from.
Weird that it makes me think about sex. It's like there's no escape from it. I feel great I miss him, I think about sex with him. I bleed and I miss him and I think about sex with him. That's so not fair.
My insides feel like they've just been kicked by a horse and it kind of makes sense why I've spent the last couple of days feeling weirdly tetchy and like I've been kicked in the heart by a horse and that STILL makes me think about someone else.
Not cool, body. Not cool.
But now I know which means I can put it all in perspective.
Saturday, 2 August 2014
I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss kissing you.
I miss holding you and being held.
I miss being close to you.
I miss laughing with you.
I miss spending time with you.
I miss talking to you.
I miss picking you up and taking you where you need to go.
I miss everything about you.
I miss the way you look at me.
I miss the way you make me feel.
I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss kissing you.
I miss holding you and being held.
I miss being close to you.
I miss laughing with you.
I miss spending time with you.
I miss talking to you.
I miss picking you up and taking you where you need to go.
I miss everything about you.
I miss the way you look at me.
I miss the way you make me feel.
I miss you.
Friday, 1 August 2014
How I feel
So I finally sat down and centred myself. Let the music surround me and fade away, and just sit and watch how I feel and observe what I want in my heart.
I feel lost.
I feel sad.
Overall, I feel hopeful though. I feel a tentative hope. When I think of him I feel the pressure on my lips and a smile comes to my face. Then it disappears as I realise it's not a good idea to get invested in the idea that it will happen again.
I realise he wants distance right now. He's not talking to me while he sorts things out in his head and that's okay. I'm doing my absolute best to respect that. I was so grateful Troy wasn't there tonight. It meant that maybe when that conversation happens I'll be able to talk about what happens.
I understand and respect his need for space. It makes me feel sad that he doesn't necessarily want to talk to me, but I understand that he needs to do this on his own and for himself. It makes me nervous that he doesn't want to talk to me. I wonder if the pendulum is swinging against me again.
I feel worried but when I want to message him I message someone else instead, or I put on a CD.
I miss him. It was not that long ago I was standing in Dublin smiling as we messaged each other talking about the sex we were going to have when I got back, and made plans for him to stay at my house the night I got back. I miss being with him, I miss his hands and his body and his mouth. I miss his cuddles and his smell. I'm scared of losing that. I miss it a lot.
I miss laughing with him.
That kiss the other day was magic, and it reminded me of all the other things I miss too.
I swear the happiest I could be made in the world would be for him to come around, spend the night and just talk and cuddle the whole night.
I want to work this out if it can be worked out.
I want my friend back.
I miss my friend and that makes me feel flat and heavy and dead inside.
I feel hopeful the majority of the time, and then if I think about it I feel nervous and sad as I realise there's a good chance I still lose my friend at a time I feel I need him most and over an issue I feel is not worth sacrificing a friendship. I don't understand the severity. I don't think it's worth this. For me it certainly wasn't at any rate.
I feel that if we only saw each other again and sat and talked, that things would become clearer. For me distance only muddies the way I see things as I over-think and forget what the original circumstances were. I can't help but feel if we only met up, if we only spent some time, it would become clearer that this is not worth the angst it has caused, that we have allowed it to cause. I can't help but feel if we only saw each other, it'd be clear that we can work this whole thing out.
But it isn't up to me and that makes me feel nervous because even though for me, seeing him made it simpler, that isn't (might not be?) the case for him.
The thought of him makes me smile and makes me hopeful.
The thought of the situation makes me nervous and stressed.
He wants space and I'll respect it but I'm scared.
I feel space is a bad move but that's not up to me.
I feel meeting up - not for long, not often, but at some point. For coffee - anything - is the thing to do.
I understand though.
I hope I hear from him soon. He's always on my mind. Usually it's a thought that makes me smile at some random point in the day, sometimes it's not. I miss him.
I feel lost.
I feel sad.
Overall, I feel hopeful though. I feel a tentative hope. When I think of him I feel the pressure on my lips and a smile comes to my face. Then it disappears as I realise it's not a good idea to get invested in the idea that it will happen again.
I realise he wants distance right now. He's not talking to me while he sorts things out in his head and that's okay. I'm doing my absolute best to respect that. I was so grateful Troy wasn't there tonight. It meant that maybe when that conversation happens I'll be able to talk about what happens.
I understand and respect his need for space. It makes me feel sad that he doesn't necessarily want to talk to me, but I understand that he needs to do this on his own and for himself. It makes me nervous that he doesn't want to talk to me. I wonder if the pendulum is swinging against me again.
I feel worried but when I want to message him I message someone else instead, or I put on a CD.
I miss him. It was not that long ago I was standing in Dublin smiling as we messaged each other talking about the sex we were going to have when I got back, and made plans for him to stay at my house the night I got back. I miss being with him, I miss his hands and his body and his mouth. I miss his cuddles and his smell. I'm scared of losing that. I miss it a lot.
I miss laughing with him.
That kiss the other day was magic, and it reminded me of all the other things I miss too.
I swear the happiest I could be made in the world would be for him to come around, spend the night and just talk and cuddle the whole night.
I want to work this out if it can be worked out.
I want my friend back.
I miss my friend and that makes me feel flat and heavy and dead inside.
I feel hopeful the majority of the time, and then if I think about it I feel nervous and sad as I realise there's a good chance I still lose my friend at a time I feel I need him most and over an issue I feel is not worth sacrificing a friendship. I don't understand the severity. I don't think it's worth this. For me it certainly wasn't at any rate.
I feel that if we only saw each other again and sat and talked, that things would become clearer. For me distance only muddies the way I see things as I over-think and forget what the original circumstances were. I can't help but feel if we only met up, if we only spent some time, it would become clearer that this is not worth the angst it has caused, that we have allowed it to cause. I can't help but feel if we only saw each other, it'd be clear that we can work this whole thing out.
But it isn't up to me and that makes me feel nervous because even though for me, seeing him made it simpler, that isn't (might not be?) the case for him.
The thought of him makes me smile and makes me hopeful.
The thought of the situation makes me nervous and stressed.
He wants space and I'll respect it but I'm scared.
I feel space is a bad move but that's not up to me.
I feel meeting up - not for long, not often, but at some point. For coffee - anything - is the thing to do.
I understand though.
I hope I hear from him soon. He's always on my mind. Usually it's a thought that makes me smile at some random point in the day, sometimes it's not. I miss him.
all for nothing
So it turns out Troy isn't going to scouts tonight anyway. I'm staying in tonight by myself. I much prefer it this way. I'm relieved.
I just want to be alone.
Well not alone, but given the options before me, I just want to be alone.
I just want to be alone.
Well not alone, but given the options before me, I just want to be alone.
this is a terrible mistake
I knew I should have gone with my gut, I knew it!
Last night after the cavalry left, he sent me a message saying he may as well have stayed over. No sir, you may as well not have, which is why I said it was time to go home.
And then after that, he messaged saying and I shit you not "well I'll probably stay tonight".
Ah mate, no. No you won't.
So angry at the PRESUMPTION. It wasn't even a question. I'm not sharing my bed. Nobody else is sleeping in my bed right now and I'm sure as hell not opening up the guest list. If he really, really wants to stay, then he can have the couch. I'm willing to bet that wasn't the intent. Not. Happening.
But I want his help tonight. It's only 9pm for fuck sake. There is no call for inviting yourself.... no. nonononono. It is not happening. I said that too.
For fuck sake why can't people just keep their shit simple. Nobody else is staying here, period.
I was annoyed when he invited himself around last night, but you know... wasn't a whole lot I could do. This is a whole other level of presumption that I'm very, very displeased with.
I choose who I share my space with and I choose carefully. That shit is a privilege. You don't get to decide that you're staying the night at anyone's house, but I think particularly a girl's house, in the same way you decide what you're eating for lunch.
So many things I wanted to say, but like some sort of idiot I stuck to "Is that what you think? I don't think so, I need to sleep off this insane sleep pattern".
You don't get to invite yourself because you're doing someone a favour. I'm not entering into this kind of friendship with someone I barely know. I am not and I will not. No. Felt like "well I'm going to be there anyway [because you needed me there] so therefore I might as well stay".
As in I'm doing this for you, so there's your end of the deal. NOPE.
It's bad enough the whole situation as it is, not having anyone stay, without the wrong person trying to I don't even know what. I'm not going to see him again I don't think, I'm not entering into this. There is only one person I want to be staying here and I'm not fucking allowing anybody into that space because that space is still mine to hold on to. That precedent is the one that has been set and the one I want to continue.
I should have listened to my goddamn gut feelings. I need to get this done tonight though. But if this guy thinks he can just invite himself round to my house at midnight and invite himself to stay the next night then he has another thing coming.
I have been straight up the whole time about where I stand, and especially since coming back to Perth that there are people I want in my life in a certain capacity if possible and that that is my priority.
And then I kind of think well Ash you've had friends stay before and that's been fine. And then I think to myself that was before. Since everything became official my bed was off limits for anyone else sleeping in it. The situation may have changed but that certainly isn't. My bed is a place where things happened with someone I love and nobody, NOBODY else is going to intrude on the way I feel when I sleep there by being there themselves.
So angry at myself right now. I should have gone with my gut, and now I'm kind of committed for him coming to scouts tonight. Well there's only one way this night ends and that's with me sharing the bed with my laptop as per weeknight usual. I just want to scream. I only want one person to invite themselves over for the night and until that happens, nobody else is coming anywhere near my room.
Fucking kill me before I kill someone else.
Last night after the cavalry left, he sent me a message saying he may as well have stayed over. No sir, you may as well not have, which is why I said it was time to go home.
And then after that, he messaged saying and I shit you not "well I'll probably stay tonight".
Ah mate, no. No you won't.
So angry at the PRESUMPTION. It wasn't even a question. I'm not sharing my bed. Nobody else is sleeping in my bed right now and I'm sure as hell not opening up the guest list. If he really, really wants to stay, then he can have the couch. I'm willing to bet that wasn't the intent. Not. Happening.
But I want his help tonight. It's only 9pm for fuck sake. There is no call for inviting yourself.... no. nonononono. It is not happening. I said that too.
For fuck sake why can't people just keep their shit simple. Nobody else is staying here, period.
I was annoyed when he invited himself around last night, but you know... wasn't a whole lot I could do. This is a whole other level of presumption that I'm very, very displeased with.
I choose who I share my space with and I choose carefully. That shit is a privilege. You don't get to decide that you're staying the night at anyone's house, but I think particularly a girl's house, in the same way you decide what you're eating for lunch.
So many things I wanted to say, but like some sort of idiot I stuck to "Is that what you think? I don't think so, I need to sleep off this insane sleep pattern".
You don't get to invite yourself because you're doing someone a favour. I'm not entering into this kind of friendship with someone I barely know. I am not and I will not. No. Felt like "well I'm going to be there anyway [because you needed me there] so therefore I might as well stay".
As in I'm doing this for you, so there's your end of the deal. NOPE.
It's bad enough the whole situation as it is, not having anyone stay, without the wrong person trying to I don't even know what. I'm not going to see him again I don't think, I'm not entering into this. There is only one person I want to be staying here and I'm not fucking allowing anybody into that space because that space is still mine to hold on to. That precedent is the one that has been set and the one I want to continue.
I should have listened to my goddamn gut feelings. I need to get this done tonight though. But if this guy thinks he can just invite himself round to my house at midnight and invite himself to stay the next night then he has another thing coming.
I have been straight up the whole time about where I stand, and especially since coming back to Perth that there are people I want in my life in a certain capacity if possible and that that is my priority.
And then I kind of think well Ash you've had friends stay before and that's been fine. And then I think to myself that was before. Since everything became official my bed was off limits for anyone else sleeping in it. The situation may have changed but that certainly isn't. My bed is a place where things happened with someone I love and nobody, NOBODY else is going to intrude on the way I feel when I sleep there by being there themselves.
So angry at myself right now. I should have gone with my gut, and now I'm kind of committed for him coming to scouts tonight. Well there's only one way this night ends and that's with me sharing the bed with my laptop as per weeknight usual. I just want to scream. I only want one person to invite themselves over for the night and until that happens, nobody else is coming anywhere near my room.
Fucking kill me before I kill someone else.
So today is the big day.
Decided to call in the cavalry and do this thing (actually I didn't really decide to, the cavalry asked me if I still wanted him to and well... yeah okay I want this thing done).
So today's plan.
No work today so I'll hopefully get to sleep without the landlord banging on my door before 8am.
I'll do some vacuuming and some washing and some productive stress-killing stuff in the morning. I'll meet the cavalry to help me bring the bunny rabbits back home and then I'll head to scouts, cavalry will sit in the car park from about 9pm and wait for me to finish my business with the other leader and then I guess we'll either come back here for some drinks or maybe head out. Or maybe I'll just send him home and sit here all catatonic and shit. Biggest bonus of jet lag is not tanking at midnight no matter what happens, I guess.
It's pretty fucking cold so I'm betting on option C. Especially given he invited himself round to my house with cupcakes at 11:30 last night. Yeahhh I mean imma not say no to cupcakes but it's a bit late in the day, you know. What's up with that? The upside is that the couch is finally clear for being sat on since its glorious debut after which it became a laundry station.
I feel pretty weird about it all still but it seems to be all above board and all the rest of it. And I guess as of Thursday he goes back to Kal for what could be months on end so it kind of makes sense to catch up with Perth people while he can. Maybe? I feel comfortable that its above board I just feel really... idk I dislike the level of stuff/services being offered but maybe that's my hangup (I did say that I needed to mow the lawn but that was more an observation than a plea for intervention).
Got a couple of things cranking next week so that's cool.
Uni goes back, I have classes Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays. For the next little while I'm working five day weeks too so that should keep my hands pleasantly full for a while!
Drinks/catchup with Scotty Tuesday night.... always promises to be an experience. My tolerance for any sort of anything is at an all-time low so I really hope it is a catch-up and not a scope, given he's recently single again. He doesn't know that I am too, though, so hopefully all should be well. I'm certainly not passing that little tidbit on. He's always a barrel of laughs but he makes me feel soooo insecure... I never feel at ease or funny, I always feel like I'm kind of unimpressive, falling flat or just plain unfunny next to him but that wasn't so much the case last time I saw him so who knows? Perhaps I'm just more confident than I was. It's the deprecating humour I think, it takes me a while to suss out the tone.
I've been trying to pin Phil down but I should hopefully be able to do so on Monday, and if not then later on in the week for sure. Preeeeeeetty sure it's his turn for lumch :)
Tuesday morning between classes I'm meeting Michael for lunch, which also always ends up an experience, although I have a lot of fondness for the guy.
Wednesday onward is still a black hole but I mean I'm working each day and whatever. I'm sure I'll prob catch up with Jake one more time before he disappears for however long and I'm more likely to see Phil toward the end of the week anyway. I'm going to have to stack my weekends though if I don't want to end up staring down the barrel of more What Would You Do? videos. Data is killing me!
I don't know what Nick does in terms of living/travel. I mean he owns the tav so he must be down that way a bit. Might be nice to see if I can catch up with him at some point, or maybe Aaron who apparently Nick ran into working at some bottle-o since Contiki (what are the odds?). Definitely have to get my hands on Kalista and Megan, that girl is hilarious!! Seems like a clubber so if it's not too subzero we might be able to tee some shit up.
I'm really trying to focus on filling up a moderate portion of my time for the time being, distractions are good. I've made a lot of lovely friends on this trip, Megan of all the girls is one crazy funny lady.
I just really hope tomorrow night goes okay, I'm trying not to think about it too much. I hope it all goes well. I'm nervous but there's not a lot more I can do for now, just hope for the best and see what happens. Same goes for a bunch but like I've told people it's alllll out of my hands now... all I can do is what I can do and just hope and pray for the best.
Decided to call in the cavalry and do this thing (actually I didn't really decide to, the cavalry asked me if I still wanted him to and well... yeah okay I want this thing done).
So today's plan.
No work today so I'll hopefully get to sleep without the landlord banging on my door before 8am.
I'll do some vacuuming and some washing and some productive stress-killing stuff in the morning. I'll meet the cavalry to help me bring the bunny rabbits back home and then I'll head to scouts, cavalry will sit in the car park from about 9pm and wait for me to finish my business with the other leader and then I guess we'll either come back here for some drinks or maybe head out. Or maybe I'll just send him home and sit here all catatonic and shit. Biggest bonus of jet lag is not tanking at midnight no matter what happens, I guess.
It's pretty fucking cold so I'm betting on option C. Especially given he invited himself round to my house with cupcakes at 11:30 last night. Yeahhh I mean imma not say no to cupcakes but it's a bit late in the day, you know. What's up with that? The upside is that the couch is finally clear for being sat on since its glorious debut after which it became a laundry station.
I feel pretty weird about it all still but it seems to be all above board and all the rest of it. And I guess as of Thursday he goes back to Kal for what could be months on end so it kind of makes sense to catch up with Perth people while he can. Maybe? I feel comfortable that its above board I just feel really... idk I dislike the level of stuff/services being offered but maybe that's my hangup (I did say that I needed to mow the lawn but that was more an observation than a plea for intervention).
Got a couple of things cranking next week so that's cool.
Uni goes back, I have classes Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays. For the next little while I'm working five day weeks too so that should keep my hands pleasantly full for a while!
Drinks/catchup with Scotty Tuesday night.... always promises to be an experience. My tolerance for any sort of anything is at an all-time low so I really hope it is a catch-up and not a scope, given he's recently single again. He doesn't know that I am too, though, so hopefully all should be well. I'm certainly not passing that little tidbit on. He's always a barrel of laughs but he makes me feel soooo insecure... I never feel at ease or funny, I always feel like I'm kind of unimpressive, falling flat or just plain unfunny next to him but that wasn't so much the case last time I saw him so who knows? Perhaps I'm just more confident than I was. It's the deprecating humour I think, it takes me a while to suss out the tone.
I've been trying to pin Phil down but I should hopefully be able to do so on Monday, and if not then later on in the week for sure. Preeeeeeetty sure it's his turn for lumch :)
Tuesday morning between classes I'm meeting Michael for lunch, which also always ends up an experience, although I have a lot of fondness for the guy.
Wednesday onward is still a black hole but I mean I'm working each day and whatever. I'm sure I'll prob catch up with Jake one more time before he disappears for however long and I'm more likely to see Phil toward the end of the week anyway. I'm going to have to stack my weekends though if I don't want to end up staring down the barrel of more What Would You Do? videos. Data is killing me!
I don't know what Nick does in terms of living/travel. I mean he owns the tav so he must be down that way a bit. Might be nice to see if I can catch up with him at some point, or maybe Aaron who apparently Nick ran into working at some bottle-o since Contiki (what are the odds?). Definitely have to get my hands on Kalista and Megan, that girl is hilarious!! Seems like a clubber so if it's not too subzero we might be able to tee some shit up.
I'm really trying to focus on filling up a moderate portion of my time for the time being, distractions are good. I've made a lot of lovely friends on this trip, Megan of all the girls is one crazy funny lady.
I just really hope tomorrow night goes okay, I'm trying not to think about it too much. I hope it all goes well. I'm nervous but there's not a lot more I can do for now, just hope for the best and see what happens. Same goes for a bunch but like I've told people it's alllll out of my hands now... all I can do is what I can do and just hope and pray for the best.
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