Emotion

For so long I've felt numb. I've felt empty. I've felt sad, helpless and lost. But I guess I should thank you because now I feel angry, for the first time in a long time.

The anger is energising, it's revitalising, it's a white-hot edge that makes me want to stand up and be heard instead of deferring.

I'm not angry for today. I'm angry for every breach of privacy and trust. Instead of feeling hurt and helpless, I feel hurt and furious. I don't want to sit back and give the benefit of the doubt because there is no excuse now.

This feeling won't last but I should use it for as long as it's healthy to do so. I'm dying inside but instead of doing so with a whimper I want to stand up for myself.

I've been lying here trying to sleep, but I can't.
The tears just keep coming.

My heart hurts. I feel so lost, so alone, so forsaken. Tricked into losing everything I thought I might have had.

My heart hurts. My eyes hurt. I want desperately to make a call, but I know I can't.

Just gotta be patient, just gotta make the best of it.
Surely once, just fucking once, I deserve to have something beautiful and keep it?

What have I done... and who am I?

I desperately need someone to talk to. Just to talk to. Just to be in the presence of.
But I can't. It's just me and I have to just make the best of it.

Talk about depressing.

Really need someone to talk to about everything. Need someone to tell me if I'm crazy or if I'm making sense.

I've nobody I can call and bother about this.

Acceptance of what is

There is just me, and all around me is just black and silent.

What scares me is that I'm accepting of this. The darkness is a comfort of sorts.

I know that there's nobody coming for me. I have to be there for myself, I have to help myself, because not only will nobody else do so, but nobody else knows I exist.

What other explanation for calls never returned, plans never followed up on? A hug and a friendly smile that disappears, and leaves me to myself despite all its promises?

Maybe I should be alone. I trust me. I know I will be ok if it's just me, because I'm always ok in the end. I always get by, in the end.

The darkness is an oasis and although I'm sad there sometimes, I know that I will always be ok because there is nobody to rely on who will come through for me like I will.

I am lonely, and I want to be proved wrong. I want to be able to do more than trust someone. I want to be able to rely on them. And I can't, so I am alone. And that is sad.

But I can learn to draw strength from isolation, and I can grow strong again. And from that strength, one day perhaps, I can earn back what I have lost - a rock in a storm as well a mountain in the sun.

The reason I cannot be upset about being alone is because I am not anybody else's problem. I'm not your problem, reader. I value you, and I miss you more than you could ever know. But I'm not your problem and that is only right and as it should be.

This is what is, and until I learn to be comfortable with it, with myself, I will never progress past what I am now. I'm a little bit messed up and nobody can fix it but me. So I'd best get to it, and the rest will follow, perhaps. And if not, I will still be stronger for it.