Well in finally here and I feel odd about it, can't put my finger on how exactly.
I'm loving being here, the people are great. But I'm spending a bunch of my time wondering how photos will appear to people back home. I've started to bro out in a big way with this guy and I can't help but feel guilty about it and I kind of resent that.
I would not have chosen to do this as a person beholden to somebody who isn't there. I dislike the idea that I am across the world and I'm not able to just do as I like without feeling guilty or sneaky because I'm out of sight through circumstance.
I could have kissed a girl last night and I didn't; I really wanted to but I'm in a relationship. Even though new experiences are what I'm here for I'm not at liberty to just go with the situation. I have to be constantly vigilant that having a bro fest doesn't result in a situation or photo or circumstance that my boyfriend would be hurt by. I'm not doing anything wrong and don’t want to hurt anyone but stories and photos are so easily misconstrued, especially where time and distance are involved.
I really dislike how being in a relationship makes me feel in this circumstance. It's my beef because it's my control complex kicking in - even though I'm not doing anything different to what I would do at home wrt moderating my behaviour, I'm very conscious that I'm not moderating it for my benefit and that makes me uncomfortable. In fact I'm moderating it in a way that makes me feel anxious and resentful because I'm constantly on guard worth how I interact with people so it's to my detriment.
I very badly want to be able to just go with the situation whether that means making out with a girl in a club or sleeping on a guys shoulder on this super uncomfortable bus without worrying about how someone else who isn't here might feel or not feel about it. There's nothing to any of it but I don't like that the choice is out of my hands and even when something is innocuous I worry about how that may be perceived....
