Feeling a bit stupid. A bit sensitive.

I went to bed well after midnight, Angus wasn't tired. I slept, but woke frequently to the sound of his videos, and then more recently had a nightmare then was roused by the sound of his keyboard.

He then came straight to bed and went straight to sleep, with me wide awake at four in the morning. When he asked me what the time was, he lied to me and said half two or three. I'm not an idiot, even after sleep I know roughly what time it was. Eventually he did go "it's closer to four. Half two or three is just when I looked at the clock last, which was a while ago". No shit it was a while ago - it was roughly the time the last time I'd woken up and asked.

Nightmares aren't pleasant and I'd have liked to talk about it but he waited five minutes before putting in his podcast and dropping off the edge of sleep cliff.
So basically, he's worn himself out, keeping me from a good night's sleep in the process, but now that he's tired it's straight off to bed and I can just deal with it.

That kind of annoys me but in reality what am I meant to do, keep him up? I asked him to come to bed several times during the night, and was told at first, just half an hour.

I have to write 5000 words this weekend, and have no doubt in my mind he'll sleep in til eleven or so because he stayed up so late. It's easy to stay up late when you're staring at a screen. But it's a choice. And that keyboard is LOUD.

So he'll sleep in, and I'll have to write my two essays on five hours sleep. Awesome.

But what can I do? Since I woke up, I'm wide awake.

I miss having my own space.

Right now, I want to go out and be somewhere else. But where would I go? What would I do?

I don't want to keep him up either - that would be vindictive, selfish. But I'm awake because of his actions, and now I want to do things.

Not sure what to do without waking him. He's entitled to sleep just as much as I am. Cross stitch patterns maybe?

So in love

He wants to spend our lives together
He wants us to have forever

He knows everything there is to know about me and he loves me for it, not in spite of it.

He makes me so happy!
I'm so blessed to have him.
Truly the luckiest woman in the world.

I want to be there for him in any way he needs over the next little while. It's going to be hard for him but I'll be there every step of the way.

I love him to the moon and back, and I'll always be on his side.

Do I even exist to you any more?
It's been months. I'm happy, but I do miss my friend.

Please don't stay away forever.

Also in related news, it turns out the DoT has cancelled my car rego :/

In all likelihood I will now have to put the car over the pits due to THEIR error.

I am less than pleased D:

This feels like it will be both drawn-out and costly, and with everything else going on and uni going back, I just don't know if I can deal with much more on my plate right now...

Getting mighty annoyed with life.

Facebook told me my friend, or former friend, I'm actually not entirely sure any more - has moved out. I'm happy for him.

The same post also asked if anybody had any tips for him.

I've held my tongue in an attempt not to be nasty or come across as bitter, because that's not how I feel.

But now that it seems relevant to a couple of people in my life, let me lay out Imperfect Ash's Golden Rules You Need To Know Out Of Home:

1. You can't just stop paying rent or stop talking to your housemates because "something feels weird" so probably best to steer clear of that sort of commitment if you're incapable of actually sticking something out. Fairweather friends make for shitty housemates. Welcome to the real world, where people expect you to see something through when you make a commitment.

2. Don't take advantage of other people's money and stuff. We all borrow sometimes. But if you want to drink a whole jar of expensive chai, Ash suggests buying your own rather than drinking hers without asking.

I'm not mad, or bitter. Just wistful.

I have everything I could want in Angus, he makes me feel safe, loved, valued and happy. He makes me laugh. He touches me in public. He shows me off to his friends. He's not perfect, sometimes he frustrates the crap out of me but he wears his heart on his sleeve and we mean the world to each other.

Jay says he thinks Jacob is a bit cooler than Angus, and so he likes Jacob better. I actually don't blame him. Jacob is a hell of a cool dude. I know he's been messaging Jay, Jay asked me if I was okay with it and I'm actually really excited they still talk.

I don't miss anything about our relationship, not a single thing. A lot of it was very hard, or didn't sit well. What I have now feels incredibly natural in comparison.

However, what I miss is my friend. 

I miss our chats and hanging out and talking about all manner of things.

But I don't miss it enough not to be a bit dark about everything that's happened, the patterns, and the fact that the same things happened again and again no matter how sorry we apparently were.

I don't have time for people who don't have time for me.

It seems every time something bad has happened the number one consistent thing I've noticed is I've looked around and the one person who promised to be there hasn't been.

I'm not mad, I'm not bitter, but it does make me sad.

I miss my friend, and I'm glad he and Jay are talking, but it does hurt to be ignored when so much is going on. Not even so much as an, "I hope you're doing okay."

I guess in the end he said it best when he said that I cared too much and people would take advantage.

I didn't think that was what it was but as time as gone on what am I supposed to think?

Seems like friendship only came first for me.

Found out tonight they put Omi in a home.

Unhappy. She only told me because I said I was going to go visit.

Dad goes for another CT tomorrow morning.

I feel like everything is falling apart.

Been having nightmares every night. Really need some friends to talk to right now.

Meeting Alice for lunch, then working tonight with Angus. Going away this weekend with him, Caris and Dylan.

Meeting Phillip next Wednesday morning too :) but I've barely been able to speak to him for the last few weeks, I thought I'd wronged him terribly :/

I miss talking to Jacob but it is what it is. My dad had a brain haemorrhage.
Ah no, hope he's okay!
Fair enough, I'll stop now. Have a good one :/

Need to help Bridget out with her centrelink application sometime.

Have told Ed to not speak to me or contact me in any way shape or form for the next while... a message which he replied to *sigh*

Reminds me of Dash. I think he's causing a lot of the nightmares as well as the other stuff.

Having a really hard time.

Feeling so flat.

I guess it's all catching up to me now.

So alone.

Just want a hug and someone to talk to but everyone is busy or seemingly doesn't care.

I don't know what to do :(

I just want to cry.

I feel like the worst daughter ever. I still haven't seen my dad in hospital. He's allowed visitors now. 

Instead, I'm going on a double date tonight. It's been in the works since before dad, and I've had nothing on today worth not seeing him, but I haven't. 

I'm the worst person. 

I just want everything to be okay.

:/

My dad is in critical care in hospital.

He's had a subdural brain haemorrhage and has come out of surgery but we still can't see him.

I now have two relatives in hospital and a friend dead, within a week.

I've been better :(

Matt's photo is all over the paper today. I can't believe it :( burnt to death, what a way to go :(

Seems like I've been averaging one a year since Amber died. I miss Amber so, so much :( every time I lose someone else I think of her.

I'm seeing Angus tonight, we were supposed to catch a movie then I was going to make dinner and we might wander over to the pirate bar. Now I just don't know :/ I just want to sit and think about them.

I just want a hug.

What do we do when we lose somebody else?

When somebody dies in a freak accident at a shopping centre?

Burned alive...

Tragic.

I can't even comprehend.

I just need a hug :(

I just need a friend :(

Soooo... this has happened.

I appear to have found myself in a relationship. I'm not sure how it happened but it has. I can't say I'm unhappy.

He's sweet, he adores me, he wants to meet all my friends. He wants to show me off. He wants to go places, do things, wants me to meet his friends and become an integrated part of his life rather than some side-zone, discrete from the rest.

I've missed that. That's something I always felt was lacking before, and something I didn't realise I missed as much as I have.

He is always telling me I'm beautiful, that I'm amazing, or incredible, that he can't believe I'd be interested in him. He makes me laugh, has great taste in visual media and could use some musical horizons being expanded.

He wants to take me out on Valentines Day.
He wants to take me out in general.

But he has his own life. His own hobbies, His own friends, and lots of them.
But he wants them to be people I know. He wants to know the people I know, and he wants in return for me to know the people in his life.

That makes me feel so wanted, so appreciated, so valued. I haven't felt valued like that in a long time. Like I was more than a walled-off part of someone's life, kept carefully separate in every meaningful way.

When he talks about his day, he names everybody, and more than that gives me a full run-down on how he knows them, how long for, some ridiculous and irrelevant anecdote about them... I feel like I know them before I've even met them,

I feel that I belong.

I don't know what to do

I agreed to go out with Ricky tonight.

I don't want to date. I don't want to date. I don't want to date.
The thought at this point makes me feel PHYSICALLY ill.

I don't want to date. I don't want to meet anybody.
I don't want to get close to anybody.

My plan of attack at this point is to treat it like a hangout and if it comes up, or anything happens, to tell the truth.

The truth that I can't possibly enter into another relationship because I don't want one. I'm not ready for one. It wouldn't be fair to anybody involved. And I don't want anything else, either.

It makes me feel sick.

I feel sick.

I don't even KNOW this person. It's not like I'd be going out with, for argument sake, Andy, who I've met a few times and kind of know.
This is a stranger.

There's a few of my hangups at play here but ultimately, I do not want to go out with anybody. I don't want it. And I'm sick of people asking.

I'm not sure why I said yes. I don't know what I'm doing.

The thought of being with anybody else still makes me sick. I'm just not there yet. I don't know when I will be, but I'm sure when that time comes it'll smack me across the face and I'll feel ready.

But for as long as I feel like nobody else will ever be so good, make me laugh so much, be so kind and considerate, just get me, for as long as nobody else turns my head, that won't change.
Those things will fade with time, but not yet.

It will come with time and I don't see the point in forcing it. I will know when I'm ready because I'll be excited instead of nauseated.

I want to scream a little bit. I think I'm just scared of strangers, I'm scared of being trapped, I'm scared of being (physically) hurt, and I don't want to put myself in a situation where someone else wants something I don't. I'm sick of that. SICK OF IT.

I would rather go out with Andy than Ricky, because even though I'm mad at him, at least I know who it is I'm mad at. I know him, at least a little. I don't know anything about this man and he doesn't know anything about me. But he wants to go out, a lot apparently.
Why does that make me suspicious? Why does that make me guarded? Why does that scare me like it does?

Why wouldn't someone be interested? Why shouldn't they show it?
Is this just me?

Am I just crazy? Is this just me being scared because I feel chased, a little hunted? I feel my options closing off and I feel the corner I feel I'm being backed into. That terrifies me.

Jacob chased for what feels like months to try and get me to hang out, and eventually I did and I didn't regret a thing. I wanted it too. But this is different. This is inside a 24 hour period, and maybe it's just genuine earnestness and a real drive to see me but it makes me feel anxious.

I DON'T WANT THIS.

I wish people (guys) would just LEAVE ME ALONE. Let me do what I like as I decide I'm ready for it.
I know I'm single and people will ask. And why shouldn't they?
But I don't want it. Why is saying that not enough?
Why do people chase when it's the one thing that scares me to death?

Here's a thought, if I want to go out with someone and they've made their intentions clear, I'll just say yes if I want to as well.
Woah amirite.

I can't deal with this chasing.

I would rather see Andy and give him a piece of my mind than this. At least all he's doing is running his mouth.

What if he tries something?
What if he thinks because he's paying, he has the right?
What if he thinks it's tacit acceptance on my part?

I don't know what to do.

I'll go, and I'll hope to be proved wrong, and make a friend, but I really hope that's all it is.

I'm scared and that's why I have to go. To prove that I can. Not to have anything happen, not to do anything or lay foundations or even see if I want to, but to prove to myself that I can and bad things will not happen.
When I am ready I will know it.

But until then I can't allow the thought of people I don't know being scary to rule me.
I am not a victim and I will not be a victim.

I will go out and I will grab this by the horns, I will have a good time and I will hopefully make a friend. I will spell it out if I need to. Nobody will touch me.
But I will not run from the fact that this has been happening, this will continue to happen and I need to not have a panic attack when it does.

I'm single and people don't leave me alone when that's the case. I wish I was dating someone so it would go away. But I'm not and it won't.

Jacob and I aren't getting back together, that much as been made clear and to be honest as much as the idea appeals on one level, I know it's a bad one on another. I much prefer the current arrangement, I just wish I could use it to smash people over the head with when stuff like this/Andy/Jake happens. That'd be really sweet.

I just want to be left alone.

I want to have my sex on the side, which I quite enjoy thankyouverymuch, and have everyone just kind of shut up until I decide to stick my head back above the parapet. The sex has nothing to do with that, it's separate, I just kind of wish I could be like "yo, there is nothing you can do for me right now because exhibit A so kindly give it a rest unless you genuinely want a coffee and to talk about crap".

I am afraid, I feel sick, but it is nice to know that people do want to get to know me. I'm sure this Ricky is a genuinely nice person, he seemed to be last night. It's my own hangups scare the shit out of me when this happens.
I've also got enough hAndy's in my life at the moment so I'm sort of loathe to add another layer of boy complication to that mix. Like seriously do I need another penis in my life trying to make me do/say/feel things I don't want to do/say/feel?

I will go, I will stand my ground, I will enjoy myself, nothing bad will happen.
I'll be okay. And if it isn't, there is nobody who I don't trust who knows where I live so that's something, too.

I just wish that rather than a neon sign that said "single, give it a go" over my head there was a neon sign that says "don't bother, not interested unless you genuinely want a chat" because that would save me a lot of grief, I think.

Ugh, I feel ill. Guy had better not try anything or I'll cut him.