Boyfriend material

A phrase has cropped up a few times over the last week or so.

"boyfriend material".

I'm not sure what boyfriend material looks like, so I attached photos of a possible specimen, as modelled by the lovely Rebecca.

I feel as though I'm coming under fire from someone close to me for refusing to budge on the relationship issue. In short, I'm seeing someone but I don't want to make it official. Why not? There are reasons. I find writing it out helps me make it clear in my own head, which makes it easier to verbalise. If the person in question reads it directly then that is also one less jump to be mishandled by me or misunderstood at the other end.

So.

First and foremost, the biggest reason I don't want to be in a relationship right now - with anyone - is that quite frankly I have enough on my plate with just me right now. I cannot in good conscience inflict this emotional mess on anyone. Jesus himself could propose to me and I'd turn him down flat. Fact.
Right now, I can think of no faster way to end a relationship with me than to be in one.

So the first reason I don't want to be in a relationship right now is internal. It is not a comment on anyone's suitability other than my own. Let me make this point painfully clear. It is me who is in the wrong place.

Why else? There are pressures and responsibilities in relationships that simply aren't there otherwise. Dealing with extended family is a big one for me. I miss my last lot of in-laws, I'm not ready for a fresh batch. There's also having to factor another person into all your decisions. I've been doing a LOT of looking out for other people lately, and I just want to think about me for a while. Not keen.

Then there comes that phrase again - "boyfriend material". What does that even mean? Is there some kind of standardised test? Is boyfriend material a pure wool, or more of a cotton blend?
I think the crux of the issue here is that not being boyfriend material places the emphasis on the other person - wrongly.
Are there faults there I don't want to be in a relationship with? Absolutely.
But that's not to say that I would be so affected were I in a better place. This boyfriend material thing places emphasis on an innate quality within a dude. A quality I don't think is there.

I left a relationship not so long ago. This relationship was with the greatest boyfriend I have ever had. He is smart, funny, kind, caring, probably the definition of boyfriend material.
We couldn't make it work. Maybe we could have, if we hadn't broken up when we did. But we couldn't and we did. So who had the problem?
Probably me, right?

So I'm not going to inflict myself as a girlfriend on anyone.

Here's the thing though. I'm in love. I am very much in love. Never doubt my capacity for such emotional gooiness.

A warning

Because the truth is, it gets exhausting trying to always believe in the goodness of others. And sometimes I get worn out and too tired and I need to make things about me for a minute or I’ll go crazy.

That's something I read on another blog I follow, and I totally relate to it.

It feels petty sometimes, making things about you. Sometimes it's simple, sometimes it's disruptive and difficult.

I believe in the innate goodness of people because it helps me sleep at night believing that everyone has a good side. The sad reality of the situation is that it's nearly impossible to know if everyone is good, because sadly there are those people who choose not to act on it.

I shelve my needs for certain people because I believe that when I need it, they will do the same for me. Sometimes they come through for me. Other times they don't. It's a life lesson, but I would rather put myself on the line and be let down, knowing that at the end of the day I can and will take care of myself, than shut myself away from other people.

Trust is a beautiful thing, and I choose freely to trust in others.

I do not blindly swallow the lies, untruths and misconstrued events fed to me by some. There are more people than would like to think of themselves this way, but there you go.
I do not comment 99% of the time. I just sit and watch and listen, and I make up my own mind. I let them dig their grave.
It is worth bearing in mind that I watch and listen and think, so just because I haven't told *you* what's going on in my head doesn't mean there's nothing going on in my head.

Remember that.

Camp

I had a good weekend away with the scouts this long weekend just gone. Had a good time, even bringing Andrew to hospital on Sunday was fun.
I was worrying about how things would go with Troy, but they were really good. We got along well and had fun, you can't ask for much more than that. We also had a long heart-to-heart Sunday night, which I think cleared the air and improved things even further.

The worst things about the weekend were before camp began and after it finished.
Before I left on Friday, I was faced with a barrage of criticism and negativity. It came close - perhaps very close - to an ultimatum being issued to me. I'm still not sure what my choices would have been. To totally give up on my friendship with Troy? That would, at this juncture in time, mean me leaving my troop. That's not going to happen. Or what? Lose another friendship, a different relationship that I care very deeply about.

I have a rule about ultimatums. Never choose the person who asked you to make that choice. To demand that I take some action, whatever it may be, or be punished by the withdrawal of friendship shows a lack of respect for my free agency and is a power play. If that approach works for someone once, does that make them more likely to make another ultimatum in the future? And another and another?
I will not be bullied into making decisions with serious repercussions for people around me. And it would be bullying.

That started my weekend on a bad note, but my eagerness to get away and the kids good humour soon took over my earlier pain.
I returned on Sunday to major dramas at my parents house. I was yelled and sworn at for something I didn't do. I had to call Troy so he could come smooth things over. Shane came over too and gave me a massive hug, and we sorted out the last of our finances. Again, all was well despite setbacks.

Then I got back to Louise st to find conversation stilted and intentions misread and mishandled. All I wanted was to cuddle and talk, but that wasn't to be. I went to bed confused, frustrated and deeply upset. I woke early this morning to find the situation much the same.

I know that part of the blame - perhaps most of it - lies with me for perhaps being unclear last night with how strong my desire to stay in was. I am tired and sore after the weekend, and that translates to being over emotional. So it also happens that I've been perhaps taking things more personally than intended, or not realising that really, it's of no consequence. I've also been of my meds for over a week now, and I'm starting to seriously feel the withdrawal symptoms.

Tonight I need to try and express my grievances as well as express what I feel is the way I have contributed to the problem. Hopefully, with time, sleep, all will be well once more. I'm filled with optimism and I can't wait to just sit down, talk for hours and rest.