Last night felt weird and lonely and wrong.

I need a fridge, and a mate I met on tour has a fridge that was in the way at his house that nobody was using. I wasn't expecting my fridge to still be here when I got back, and my mate flies back to Kal on Thursday so we arranged for him to drop it by last night.

I already felt weird about spending my Wednesday night alone and then having someone else there, someone who didn't belong and who wasn't the person I wanted to see. It was so.... ugh.

I'm not used to this. Coming home seems like I'm not coming home because I'm not coming home to any of the things I was actually looking forward to. I was looking forward to the sweet routine of having "our" night. I was looking forward to being alone with someone I missed for so long.

The other thing is that I really need to talk about this police thing before scouts on Friday. It's really eating me and I don't know what to do. I know he's busy on Friday so I might have to ask my mate to meet me at scouts so there's someone there when I talk to Troy... but will I talk to him there or should I call him or??? I really need to bounce this off someone. And I need to do it, like, today.
And I can't really ask my mate to meet me at scouts and watch me blackmail some guy without going for a drink or something afterwards, but I don't want to see anyone, really.

They're all wonderful people, from the tour, but they aren't the person I want to see.

But yeah I want to kick up my social life a gear or two but there's really only one person I want to see. I kind of have to try and ignore that because in the long run it isn't a good idea to be blowing people off unless they're the right specific person. I mean you get to grieve but only for a while.
The people on tour I'd like to hang out with aren't from Perth though. I mean Packer and Jake are cool but I won't be seeing them often at all. The boys from Nebraska, particularly Matt, were chilled as fuck and a lot of fun and Chris, Dani and Sil were great but they aren't here either.
To be honest if I was going to catch up with anyone from tour on the reg it would probably be Chris, Dani and Sil. It's a shame they're in Sydney because I really adore Chris in particular. That guy tells it like it is and isn't there to please anybody. And he has ace choice in music and is generally just fucking hilarious. I mean I get along with Jake and all that but we don't have much in common. He's fun to hang out with but our worldviews just do not align at all so any conversations have to be sort of irrelevant or contextually appropriate otherwise stuff can start getting a bit heated. Also because Chris is so straight up I feel like I always know where I stand with him. He was pretty clear about wanting to get together but when he worked out it wasn't going to happen, then that was it, and he was still a top bloke. No awkwardness and no impression that any of his prior interactions had been geared towards like idk buttering me up or something. There was no agenda there, I guess. Nah, he was just straight up, you're a cool chick what do you reckon? Nope, well okay but you're still a cool chick and I'll still talk to you. Excellent.
Jake has been really good to me, like I say he's fun to hang out with and all and he made sure I was sorted out that day I missed the coach and he offered me a fridge and stuff, unprompted... but I just can't decide if I'm being cynical or not. I was straight up about nothing happening, and even after I saw him after the breakup it wasn't even a question right, like it wasn't going to happen and that was a given. And I mean he sent me this really, really weird message after I headed back to Attleborough after Cambridge. About like, how he only wants the best for me and he knows that in real life we won't gel very well (we agree on that at least lol) but that the tour was a blast and he was glad he met me. I mean it was sweet and all that but I was kind of lost as to why it was sent in the first place. And I don't really need someone I just met to want the best for me, it's a nice sentiment and all but idk. I want the best for people but I don't usually make a point of letting them know unless they're a) faced with a difficult decision and/or b) someone whose life I actually might have some impact on.
idk I don't want to be cynical about it at all. He spent a lot of time, money and attention on me that I didn't ask for (except for that morning I missed the coach) and I'd like to think that it'd be the same for anyone but he really didn't seem bothered about what anyone else needed.
So I kind of think I shouldn't see him.

But the biggest reason I don't want to see him is because it feels underhanded and uncomfortably like cheating. Which is bizarre because not only has nothing happened but I actually have nobody to cheat on. I mean I'd like to have somebody I couldn't cheat on but that's not up to me at this juncture. I also I mean... I don't want to be that girl who gets someone bending over backward with an aim they're trying to achieve and just lapping it all up with no awareness of what's happening. But he said that's not the case (I asked) and I have to take that at face value. I can't be any clearer than I have been, talking about ex inclusive.

Aaaaaaaand yet this person I'm probably going to have to ask to help me when I tell Troy he has to leave scouts or I'll follow through with the contact that's already been made with the police. I can't do it on my own. I can't. I need help, I need someone there.
I've only told one person up til now but I need someone to be there and if I'm going to tell someone I'd rather it be someone that I don't know well, who has no basis to judge me off and who it's no great loss to cut contact with (okay so THAT sounds cold). As in my life isn't going to be hugely different.

I don't know what to do.
But I can't do this on my own.

seriously Ash

its like 4am, how and why am I still awake after literally two hours sleep last night.

I feel so much better. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I cried on the way home but I was happy. I was so, so happy.

It may still be over, I'm not an idiot. But he sat and he held my hand and he listened to everything I had to say. I did my best to listen too and I hope I did okay. I hope I let him speak. I hope I took everything he said at face value and on board. I did my very best but especially at first, I was so overwhelmed.

The emotion side is always one I try and sit on but this blindsided me so much I haven't been able to keep a handle on it til now. The whole way from Anna's I could HEAR my heart in my chest beating loud and fast. I could hear it over the stereo. I was drenched in a cold sweat and tears all over the shop as I rehearsed for the millionth time all the things I wanted to say, wanted to ask.

Then I knocked on the door and there was no answer. My heartbeat was in my ears. I knocked again, louder. Still no response. Standing out in the cold knowing he was so close after all this time and wanted nothing to do with me. I knocked again and this time he came to the door, greeted me jovially and we went and sat in the middle room. Just the sound of his voice and the sight of his face made me so happy and sad at the same time. He touched my hand and everything I was trying to sit on and suppress over the last week or so pushed past the last of my self-control and I just couldn't stop crying. And he sat there and he let me. I've had a couple things to be upset about over the last couple years but I haven't cried like that for as long as I can remember.

And he listened as I tried my best to explain and tried my best to understand.

We laughed and I missed that more than I missed all the rest, and I missed all the rest a lot.

I got my hand held, I got my kiss.
God that kiss.
I've missed this man.

If it doesn't work out now I know that it's not a product of misinformation or confusion but something decided in receipt of the facts as I have been able to present them.

Just reread my post-breakup post and hotdamn I must have been angry. Ouch. I actually cringed reading it. So much anger in there. Knowing what I now know, I feel pretty bad for him now that I know he read it but at the time I was just so, so hurt to my core and frustrated that I felt so isolated and alone, and that post was my first reaction. Sorry man. :/

This is a place where I can be honest. Only ever given two people the address, and one other person found it on my laptop. This is a place where I can vent and I can be totally honest and potentially express myself in a more lucid way than just word vomiting aloud to myself or someone else. I guess he must know that though, having seen earlier stuff and whatnot. When I can't get to pen and paper, when I can't listen to music, when I need to see how I feel written out so that I can actually work out what it is that I feel, this is where I come. This is where I go when I need to get it out because I can backtrack and see where I've come from.

I saw him, and it made me happy as well as sad. He held me and even though I was still hurting I felt safe. He listened to me talk and he explained the situation as he saw it. He held my hand and it made my heart sing. He laughed with me and it made me feel better. He hugged me and kissed my nose and we put our faces together like we always did. He kissed me goodbye and I'm not cut off forever.
It might not be salvation, but goddamn, it was so much more than I'd dared to allow myself to hope.

And I feel so, so much better.

I knew

I knew he wouldn't be there but my heart feels like it's breaking. All I want to do is hear his voice and hold his hand and cry forever in his arms and apologise, and never stop apologising until my throat bleeds and I can't speak the words and he recognises how sorry, how truly, heartbreakingly sorry I am for everything I've ever said or done to cause him pain. Every thoughtless word or action that has ever driven a wedge between us.

That's why the accusation of deliberate ones hurt so deeply.

I can see where my actions have come from but that's not good enough. I am, I must be, more than a product of my experiences. Otherwise I'm a victim and I won't be a victim.

I can't stop crying. This isn't all me but I want to take back every scrap of it that is.
No hurt inflicted by him comes close to the guilt I feel. I feel that I deserve all of this but I desperately want to fix it. I just wasn't to see him and I just want to hug forever and never let go.
I want a kiss.

I feel so lost. So alone. I needed someone and I can't blame him for breaking up with me instead but he's the only one I've wanted comfort from and there's none there.

I want to scream but mostly I just want to see him. I want to call, text, jump in my car but I can't. Whenever I feel like messaging him I write something instead, or listen to music. Anything else.

I knew he wouldn't be there tonight but I really needed him to be and I let myself believe there might be a chance, even when I knew there was no chance.

I feel a profound sense of loss and not much of anything else.

Numb.

:(

Dumped

Okay here's my last few days in a nutshell.

I said goodbye to my family, including my nana I will in all likelihood never see again, and my cousins whose formative years I will miss, which I regret.

I was informed that I have to move out of my place as soon as physically possible. I'm basically homeless from the time I get my shit out.

I caught a plane to an airport by myself after an amazing few days with these people and an emotional goodbye from my aunt, who I also miss the presence of like crazy.

At the airport the train I was meant to catch wasn't running so I caught a coach.  I texted my aunt who was expecting me at 12 to say I'd be there at 3 instead. She didn't get my message and didn't hear from me till quarter to 12 when I rang to confirm she'd gotten my message.

At this point my phone died and I was no longer able to access the Internet, send messages or make calls. I also couldn't receive calls.

So I got on this coach, which then ran an hour late due to the motorway and I had no way to let my family know - you know, the people coming to get me at noon.

Oh yeah so after finding out I lose my house, after trying to tell him about saying goodbye to someone I'll likely never see again, I was accused of making passes at my boyfriend's friend at a party that was held in February, FIVE MONTHS AGO. Rather than discuss this when I get home in a week my boyfriend proceeded to dump me over Facebook chat.

So in the last 48 hours I've said goodbye to family, become homeless and been dumped via social media.

Yeah I'm fucking over it.
I don't want it to ruin my holiday and it won't, but I think it's a pretty fucking brutal way to go about it. Like sure if it's not working break up. Absolutely. Here's what you do though, and you don't do.

You pick your time. Like not after being told you have to move out and saying goodbye to people you might never see again is good, but if you can manage that AND not do it at 6pm before dinner that's even better.

You don't find some big 3rd party emotive topic to fight about so you can segue smoothly into a breakup. Save the emotive stuff for later and just keep it to the point.

If your gf is like 7 days out from returning you may as well just wait but if you really can't maybe call? Or just as I said - not dump her during an argument you started. Goddamn.

I realise there's shit to talk about and if something isn't working it isn't working. But that doesn't mean it's okay to trample all over someone's feelings. Like I was accused of being dismissive. This was just total unacknowledgement and the way it was done came across as both juvenile and callous.

Could it gave waited one day? Could the party stuff have waited till I got back? It's waited five months, apparently.

But that said I've encountered insecurity after insecurity and this is another facet of it. My mates tell me he's being a piece of shit and I have backed him to the hilt every time. Yeah I might not have liked everything he's said or done but nobody else gets to make a value judgement on things between he and I.
The only way I'd take those things said to me about him to heart is if I already had doubts of my own - if I felt insecure or unhappy. As it stands (stood) I always without fail told people where they could take their negative opinions. I knew what was up.

I feel like I've been accused of something I can't defend myself from. You can't prove you weren't thinking something, that you didn't do something.
Makes it a pretty perfect excuse to get me angry, hurt and desperate to explain why it isn't, why it can't be true. Then suddenly, I can't deal with this! It's over!
Well, "this" was of your own making, which is exactly what you wanted. Start a fight, end a relationship. Classy.

I feel hurt and I feel betrayed. I feel like if this man says he loves me but just can't hack a relationship, then maybe he could have given me today, given me tomorrow to come to terms with what's going on around me. I don't think it's too much to ask.

And I think if you're going to make a girl cry, you deserve to have to watch. And SEE the impact your words have, the wounds left on her soul. It's so easy from a distance. That's why it shouldn't be from a distance.
I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I'm lying about that night. I want him to SEE how much that hurts me. I want him to SEE how much this conduct has a real impact on a real person and he can't ignore it because it's behind a screen.
This is not how a friend would act.

And I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. But he knew that.

I'm going to find the perth boys in Cambridge and I'm going to get filthy drunk like I haven't all trip because he was worried about something happening. And I'm going to party harder than I ever have, just because I can. Because fuck your lies and your mind games. I'm hurt and the only way to win is not to play.