I knew

I knew he wouldn't be there but my heart feels like it's breaking. All I want to do is hear his voice and hold his hand and cry forever in his arms and apologise, and never stop apologising until my throat bleeds and I can't speak the words and he recognises how sorry, how truly, heartbreakingly sorry I am for everything I've ever said or done to cause him pain. Every thoughtless word or action that has ever driven a wedge between us.

That's why the accusation of deliberate ones hurt so deeply.

I can see where my actions have come from but that's not good enough. I am, I must be, more than a product of my experiences. Otherwise I'm a victim and I won't be a victim.

I can't stop crying. This isn't all me but I want to take back every scrap of it that is.
No hurt inflicted by him comes close to the guilt I feel. I feel that I deserve all of this but I desperately want to fix it. I just wasn't to see him and I just want to hug forever and never let go.
I want a kiss.

I feel so lost. So alone. I needed someone and I can't blame him for breaking up with me instead but he's the only one I've wanted comfort from and there's none there.

I want to scream but mostly I just want to see him. I want to call, text, jump in my car but I can't. Whenever I feel like messaging him I write something instead, or listen to music. Anything else.

I knew he wouldn't be there tonight but I really needed him to be and I let myself believe there might be a chance, even when I knew there was no chance.