Last night felt weird and lonely and wrong.

I need a fridge, and a mate I met on tour has a fridge that was in the way at his house that nobody was using. I wasn't expecting my fridge to still be here when I got back, and my mate flies back to Kal on Thursday so we arranged for him to drop it by last night.

I already felt weird about spending my Wednesday night alone and then having someone else there, someone who didn't belong and who wasn't the person I wanted to see. It was so.... ugh.

I'm not used to this. Coming home seems like I'm not coming home because I'm not coming home to any of the things I was actually looking forward to. I was looking forward to the sweet routine of having "our" night. I was looking forward to being alone with someone I missed for so long.

The other thing is that I really need to talk about this police thing before scouts on Friday. It's really eating me and I don't know what to do. I know he's busy on Friday so I might have to ask my mate to meet me at scouts so there's someone there when I talk to Troy... but will I talk to him there or should I call him or??? I really need to bounce this off someone. And I need to do it, like, today.
And I can't really ask my mate to meet me at scouts and watch me blackmail some guy without going for a drink or something afterwards, but I don't want to see anyone, really.

They're all wonderful people, from the tour, but they aren't the person I want to see.

But yeah I want to kick up my social life a gear or two but there's really only one person I want to see. I kind of have to try and ignore that because in the long run it isn't a good idea to be blowing people off unless they're the right specific person. I mean you get to grieve but only for a while.
The people on tour I'd like to hang out with aren't from Perth though. I mean Packer and Jake are cool but I won't be seeing them often at all. The boys from Nebraska, particularly Matt, were chilled as fuck and a lot of fun and Chris, Dani and Sil were great but they aren't here either.
To be honest if I was going to catch up with anyone from tour on the reg it would probably be Chris, Dani and Sil. It's a shame they're in Sydney because I really adore Chris in particular. That guy tells it like it is and isn't there to please anybody. And he has ace choice in music and is generally just fucking hilarious. I mean I get along with Jake and all that but we don't have much in common. He's fun to hang out with but our worldviews just do not align at all so any conversations have to be sort of irrelevant or contextually appropriate otherwise stuff can start getting a bit heated. Also because Chris is so straight up I feel like I always know where I stand with him. He was pretty clear about wanting to get together but when he worked out it wasn't going to happen, then that was it, and he was still a top bloke. No awkwardness and no impression that any of his prior interactions had been geared towards like idk buttering me up or something. There was no agenda there, I guess. Nah, he was just straight up, you're a cool chick what do you reckon? Nope, well okay but you're still a cool chick and I'll still talk to you. Excellent.
Jake has been really good to me, like I say he's fun to hang out with and all and he made sure I was sorted out that day I missed the coach and he offered me a fridge and stuff, unprompted... but I just can't decide if I'm being cynical or not. I was straight up about nothing happening, and even after I saw him after the breakup it wasn't even a question right, like it wasn't going to happen and that was a given. And I mean he sent me this really, really weird message after I headed back to Attleborough after Cambridge. About like, how he only wants the best for me and he knows that in real life we won't gel very well (we agree on that at least lol) but that the tour was a blast and he was glad he met me. I mean it was sweet and all that but I was kind of lost as to why it was sent in the first place. And I don't really need someone I just met to want the best for me, it's a nice sentiment and all but idk. I want the best for people but I don't usually make a point of letting them know unless they're a) faced with a difficult decision and/or b) someone whose life I actually might have some impact on.
idk I don't want to be cynical about it at all. He spent a lot of time, money and attention on me that I didn't ask for (except for that morning I missed the coach) and I'd like to think that it'd be the same for anyone but he really didn't seem bothered about what anyone else needed.
So I kind of think I shouldn't see him.

But the biggest reason I don't want to see him is because it feels underhanded and uncomfortably like cheating. Which is bizarre because not only has nothing happened but I actually have nobody to cheat on. I mean I'd like to have somebody I couldn't cheat on but that's not up to me at this juncture. I also I mean... I don't want to be that girl who gets someone bending over backward with an aim they're trying to achieve and just lapping it all up with no awareness of what's happening. But he said that's not the case (I asked) and I have to take that at face value. I can't be any clearer than I have been, talking about ex inclusive.

Aaaaaaaand yet this person I'm probably going to have to ask to help me when I tell Troy he has to leave scouts or I'll follow through with the contact that's already been made with the police. I can't do it on my own. I can't. I need help, I need someone there.
I've only told one person up til now but I need someone to be there and if I'm going to tell someone I'd rather it be someone that I don't know well, who has no basis to judge me off and who it's no great loss to cut contact with (okay so THAT sounds cold). As in my life isn't going to be hugely different.

I don't know what to do.
But I can't do this on my own.