Would love to just sit and talk and be back where everything made sense.

I'm busy and I'm having SO MUCH FUN but it's not the same and it does feel sometimes like something's missing.

Most times I don't notice or think about it but then someone says something or a song comes on and I'm a little melancholy for a time.

But I'm doing my best and I'm getting by and I'm having a blast.

Getting it all together now.
Guess I just wish I wasn't the only one.

Sometimes I think that to be cut out like this means that I meant everything, which is some comfort. Then I think maybe I was cut out like this because I meant nothing. And there's no way for me to know.

I'm still finding it difficult not to take it personally but I'm getting there slowly.

And I'm making friends and more social than I have been in years.

I saw Jake last night for the first time in yonks... I've missed him so much. Was good to catch up and chat :)

Poor Ed :( it is broken! Looks like I owe him a drink...

I look up into the sky and I know you see what I see.

I take comfort in the knowledge that wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, we are under the same stars.

I feel so lost.

Having a great time and keeping busy but I just want everything to go back to normal.

I miss all the shit we used to do.

Saw my birthday thing was declined. I guess I knew that was coming but it's still a shame.

Would have been nice to have an endpoint to the feeling of being... I don't even know what I'm supposed to be in this situation.

I don't want to be the source of any pain.
I only want good things for him.

I guess it makes me a little sad that that's not the case.

But you know all I can do is what I can do which is respect the boundaries I've been set - that's why I left last night even though doing so made me want to claw my heart out of my chest. But it was the right thing to do. Downed some G&Ts and soldiered on.

Got dinner with Ed and Jay and dropped Ed home. His poor wrist :s it's at best a bad sprain but could well be fractured.
He's not happy with Michael haha.

My elbow has finally stopped going purple now. Considering its still been darkening and it happened Sunday it must have been a hell of a knock. Well I know it was, I hit my head too.

Sometimes I wish someone would hit me in the head again. And again and again.

I've been thinking about cutting lately. I don't like that.

I just don't like feeling like the object of bad feelings for someone I have only good feelings for.

I've been keeping busy and thinking about it less and less but last night really hit me.

I haven't cried so much since I saw him when I came back from overseas.

But it is what it is and I am what I am and what I am is happy.

Spent a good hour at uni this arvo, left when I saw science grads wandering about. Knew his graduation was about now. Left uni when the last one was on too, just in case.

Ed offered to give Michael a piggy bank but lost his balance and stacked it. He kept Michael safe but we think he may have a fractured wrist :( whooooops.

Saw his Facebook graduation photos up.
I'm happy for him and I left so I wouldn't spoil his day if we ran into each other.
But I would have liked to have been a part of it.

Jay rang and asked for a lift home from uni after I finish work.
My heart is still in my mouth after seeing those photos. We'll go for drinks (he only stopped throwing up at 7pm yesterday what a champ) and I'll throw ed out at his place on the way.

I feel like crap.

Kids were a blast today, so popular at uni. There are guild elections and they loved collecting and handing out the propaganda flyer things and being ooohed and aahed over. And Ed stacked it with Michael on his shoulders and hurt his wrist really bad. I feel badly for him because Michael was STOKED and wouldn't stop yelling how much fun it was lol.

Then I saw the graduation robes and I high tailed it out of there before something happened I'd regret.

I just saw his face on Facebook and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was at uni. I was there and he was there.

I saw people in science graduation gear and I left so he wouldn't have to see me, in case it was his graduation this time (did the same thing the other day).

We were in the same place at the same  time but I left so we wouldn't bump into each other.

I had really wanted to be there for that. I had to leave so I wouldn't be.

I wanted to be there and I left for him.

I just want to cry and cry. I miss my friend.  I miss him more than I can put into words. But I don't want to force my way into his life. It's his day; I thought it may have been so I left.

But I wish I hadn't :(

What a night.

Half a bottle of straight rum. Straight. Rum.

A couple of ciders with dinner.

A Jim Beam and coke with Kaz before I left home.

How I was still standing is a freaking miracle, although I think I probably drank my bodyweight in water. NOT SO MUCH AS A HEADACHE. Fuck yeah!

I spent the ENTIRE night looking after Jay. Aaaaand all of this morning. He was still throwing up at 2pm. Had a hangover for both of us, looked like. Man, but was he hurting. I felt great, felt a little guilty about that though lol.

Fucking obstinate and belligerent. Drink some water Jay. Go to bed Jay. You can't even stand up, have a shower in the morning Jay. No, you may not go back downstairs to watch a movie, if you don't stack it on the way down you'll never make it back up again. Go to bed Jay. Drink some water, Jay. Go to sleep, Jay.

He fell on me and I cracked my head on the wall, whacked my elbow and foot pretty hard too.
Elbow is gone purple :( no concussion though luckily. Would you believe I actually checked the wall for blood to see if I cracked my head? Fell really, really hard. Took out a speaker on the way down too.

Still, it was a lot of fun, he doesn't remember any of it but I do... really hope he gets onto cleaning the sink because that's where I draw the line.

I'll fetch and carry water and I'll shove someone into bed but that's really the extent of it.

He doesn't remember any of it, at all (barely remembers dinner at 9pm) but there were some sweet chats in between the radiohead/youtube fest.
Said he didn't want to be another Corey/Michael/whoever. No hassles, no dramas, no tensions.

It's nice to just have a mate.

Sorted out that whole hand holding business, I don't have to worry about it.
Aaaaaaall good.

Got a hell of a message from Drew this morning though.
I don't know what he thinks he remembers happening but I'm willing to bet it's not what actually happened (given that nothing actually happened, but he was blackout drunk and obviously freaked out). Long and the short of the message was that he didn't want anything to happen between us. My response: good. Glad we got that straight then lol. Sweet. Sorted.

I'm glad I've managed to find some friends who I can have fun with.
Especially with everything else that's been going on.

Jay's been seeing some bird called Erin, sounds like he's pretty serious about her. He deserves it.

We had a long talk last night (which he now no longer recalls) about feeling hollow, empty, used. Feeling like nobody sees you for who you are and that if they do they won't like it and they'll leave and they'll never come back.
Feeling alone in this world and that you aren't living, you're just existing.

____

John had a fall today. He's in hospital. Looks like he's probably going to go into a home.
So that happened.

____

My cousin Kirsty has been diagnosed with Coeliac disease. Given it's genetic it's a good idea for me to get tested too. Would definitely explain a few things.

____

Uni is making me supply a death notice for Kat and proof of John's illness in order to get an extension. Is that callous or what?

____

I saw Jesse on Saturday night. So good to see him again.

___

I feel like I'm finally in the groove.

I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with my friends.

I feel like I have people I can talk to, who are always there to listen to me and who I can trust to do the right thing by me.

I do feel sad sometimes when I think about how things have panned out with respect to semi-recent events.
But I've done everything I can do.

I find it hard not to take it personally.

I find it hard not knowing what's happening, if it's something I've said or done or not said or not done.

I find it hard just wanting to pick up where we left off and just go back to being friends.

I find it liberating seeing people I can just talk to.

I find it liberating to feel safe with people who care about me,

I find it liberating that I think about it less and less each day (except for yesterday, when it was at the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons).

I can honestly say that my beef is over.

I find what's happening now difficult to wrap my head around, but not what happened before.

I miss my friend, but I'm trucking on and I'm getting on with it.

And I'm having a blast.

There will always be room in my life for him, and I'm obviously incredibly fond of the man. I miss talking to him, hanging out, getting lunch.

But I'm getting it together.

I have it together.

Except for uni. Ooooooooops.

I should have just left it

I shouldn't have contacted him at all.

But I said I'd let him know about the tickets. I waited as long as I thought was fair.

What screws me up is not that he isn't speaking to me, although I find that pretty hurtful. Most of the time I don't think about it so it's not a big deal.

What screws me up is when we DO speak, and he starts out clipped but responsive, then drops down to one words, no capitalisation and no punctuation, then just stops replying altogether. You know what's rude? Messages into a void. You're done talking, you say goodbye. That's not difficult and goes a long way towards not making me feel like a blight on your day.

I don't understand the issue.
I want to be able to.

I understand taking a week, two weeks even. I understand getting your head together, having a sook, working out where you fit into the world and the relationship after a change.

But we had an understanding. I thought we did, anyway. I would have thought that as the person who was broken off with, as opposed to one doing the breaking up, I'd be the one looking for time and space.

I want to understand the rationale but I'm not allowed to know so I'm kind of left to my own interpretation of events which is probably completely wrong.

Part of this conversation was going to include "and you know if you decide otherwise, let me know" but then I realised how stupid that is... it's not going to happen and as a gesture all it does is make me look in equal parts pushy, desperate and/or naive instead of how I intended it - as a genuine offer of, if you change your mind, I'd still love to spend this time with you.

Pretty hurtful to think that all these years of being friends, and all those months of being more, isn't even worth just saying "I'm gonna go now". Being straight up is something I always appreciated with him but I'm not seeing it now.

"I guess I'm still not gonna hear from you for a while?"
"probably not"

I would need a flow chart to describe how cutting that is.

I'm not asking for an explanation, I just want to know if I'm ever going to hear from you again, at what point I can start inviting you to things (you haven't RSVPd to my birthday either way, and I don't know if that means you know you're not going to come and you don't want to hurt my feelings or commit to not coming or heaven forbid let me know where you stand on it, or you think you probably aren't going to come but you haven't decided and are leaving wiggle room. Knowing you, my theory is that you're pretty sure you don't want to come, you just don't want to put that out there).
I asked you because obviously you're important to me and I'd like you there. But I can deal if you don't want to come. Life marches on, I just think it's nice to include people I care about at stuff like that so they can come if they want to, rather than assuming one way or another on your behalf.
I don't want to have to ask, I don't want to be that person always hassling someone who doesn't want to hear from me.

And I don't want to feel like talking to me is such an insult, or a hassle, or unwelcome for whatever reason that even saying "okay well I'm off, catch you later" is one line of communication too much.

___

I hope things get better. I worry that that line came off as sarcastic or insincere but it wasn't.

I would like to have you in my life and I hope you're okay.

"Same to you"

I'm having a blast this last couple of days. There's nothing to get better for me. For some reason I found that as affronting as the rest of the conversation.

I guess we just deal with things differently.

I don't count many people among my friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not so many friends. When I do have a friend I work at that friendship. I try and strengthen it, and protect it, and work at it and prolong it.
Life gets messy and life gets awkward and things come between people.
But only if we let them.

Sometimes it's time to call time and you gotta know when that time is.
But most of the time awkward is of our own making. All of the time drifting apart is. I'm as guilty of it as the next person. But if I care about someone then I don't like to actively facilitate it.

If he thinks it's time to call time on the friendship, then I'd rather just know. We've had the bandaid discussion before. If not, then it's not hard to be civil and polite enough to say goodbye when you're done talking.

If he doesn't think it's time, which is obviously my preference, then take the time away from each other, but be a little less "okay you've used up your allotment of messages now" about it.

____

I  just reread this and it comes across pretty harshly.
I don't mean it to.

I really, really, REALLY just want the best for him. All of my heart wishes him nothing but happiness and luck.

I guess I just find these conversations hard, I find it hard not to take them personally.

And I find the not knowing hard.

I find it hard to reconcile the amazing times we had with the sudden silence and stilted conversation if we do talk.

We always said, you always said, that the friendship would always be there. That it would never be in jeopardy.

I just want the best for him and I wish him every happiness.

I just find being shut out hurtful, especially when it's just a couple of lines tapering off into silence.

It hurts me very deeply because it's so far removed from even three weeks or a month ago. But I thought we both knew this was on the cards - indeed, that was your whole reason for breaking it off as I understand it.

But I'll take a deep breath and I'll just get on with it.

I haven't slept in days.

Everything is happening.

I'm so tired! But it's been good to get out and about and see peeps. This week has been non-stop.

Phil had his birthday picnic on Thursday, I dropped in briefly with Bec to say hello. It was good to see him again! We caught up on Monday as well, which was nice.

Tuesday I went into class and then Jay and I hit the tav for "a drink"... except then it was lots of drinks and I went to work a little tiddled which was naughty... no more Tav Tuesdays, it's not a good look.

Wednesday same deal, except for the fact there was no work so we stayed til close, then Sarah and I went back to his place for the Matrix and I ended up staying because it was really late.

Thursday I had work til 7.30 as per usual after two and a half hours sleep (sigh). Then I went to the tav, no Alex but Jay went instead, Belle was there of course and Drew. Keith the crazy indian guy was there as well and there was a bloke I recognised but I don't know his name. Then we ended up all going out til half 3 again, then I was dropping Jay home and ended up couch surfing again.

Drew called me after scouts on Friday and asked me to meet him for a drink. I was supposed to be towing a car for Rob but then he didn't need me so I figured why not. So several drinks, one drugs bust by the cops and one massive fight with his conspiracy theorist friend later, I ended up crashing there for the night. He gave me the bed and slept on the couch (his mate was in the same room and tensions were simmering so it was that or I went home) and then I woke up in the morning and he was in the bed too... except he couldn't remember any of the night before and couldn't work out why I was there. It was a little awks but all good once I explained that nothing had happened, my personal space was just apparently meaningless to him lol.

Today was Omi's 89th and Jesse's toga party, that was cool. There was nobody else there I knew and I was dead on my feet so I only stayed a couple hours. Still, it was great to see him!

Tonight I get to sleep in my own bed for the first time since Wednesday night. I miss my bed! It's the best, now for everything I do since its drawbacks seem a little removed from my actual uses for it,

Tomorrow I take Kaz to work for 7am (sigh, so early...) and I have a movie marathon tomorrow night, which means more couchsurfing!

We'll see what else my week holds, but I'm sure it'll be good.

I just miss my bed lol.

Made a couple of friends recently, reconnected with a couple too.

Spent yesterday arvo with Jay, Sarah and Stanley. Sarah and I went back to Jay's when the tav closed for a matrix marathon.

I was really grateful for the company and the fun.

Then Sarah went home. I ended up crashing because it was half 3 before the trilogy was done.

I was having a great time, we chatted, ate, bagged out the matrix... Then he held my hand while we were sitting on the couch.

I pulled away and he didn't try again.

I just wish people would just be happy to hang out.
I wish I didn't have to feel constantly on my guard.
I wish I didn't have to say no, because I wish nobody was asking the question.

Is it ironic that I'm still turning people down left right and centre, but can't even get somebody I actually want to spend time with to talk to me?

I just want a mate.

Saw Phil and Caris this arvo. So good to see them! Gotta catch up again soon :)

I couldn't sleep last night.

I don't mean that I tossed and turned, or slept fitfully. I mean that I could not unwind, I could not settle, and when I closed my eyes horrible pictures made me open them again.

I saw John at the shops on Sunday, and behind my eyes I see him smiling smugly. He is exactly the same as he was. The same hairdo, the same clothes, he walks the same way. I'll never forget that gait - so distinctive. For years I used to get shaky if I saw a man walking like that from a distance.

It will pass.

I tried to talk to Phillip about it today, about John, but then the bus came and I don't think he really remembers who I was talking about anyway. So I left it.

So I'm now on hour 38 of my day and I still can't sleep.

On the plus side, I got a bunch of essay done after about 5am this morning.

Also, that film commentary, the one supposed to cost me over 30%... I got the grade back. 74%.

I just want to have a chat.
I just want to be open about who I am, where I have come from and what I'm hoping for and afraid of.

He's the first person to have seen all of me, past and present. The first person I've trusted with that.

And I would be ecstatic to just say hello.

Issues don't resolve themselves, but not all issues are ones I have the power to resolve.

I had to accept a while ago now that the ball wasn't in my court.

All I can do is be patient and hope we reach a point where we can resolve this between us and enjoy each others company.

And I will be patient even though I find it difficult sometimes.

I will wait for as long as it takes.

I just hope it doesn't take too long.

There will be teething problems but they'll only ever be overcome by talking and spending time.
That's partially why I was looking forward to the concert - the object of interest is something divorced entirely from the people involved in it. No conversation, no awkward, both people focusing on something other than each other. In each others presence, but paying attention to something else.

There'll be something else another time if he doesn't change his mind. It's two weeks away. I don't expect he will.
I was very surprised when he said he was still interested in coming after our last meeting. I did suspect it might change.

I even said, please don't say yes and then tack "I think" on the end because all it says to me is no. Good to see my spidey senses are still on the money.

There'll be something else, another time.

I'm disappointed but I'm not surprised.
I don't think this will help but it's not up to me.
I want to talk, he doesn't. We can't both get what we want. It isn't possible.

So I'll wait. And in the meantime I'll carry on with all the other stuff going on and we'll see what happens.

He knows where I am and that I want to pursue the friendship.
There's nothing more for me to do.

What did I do?

What do I do?

I don't want to lose this friendship.

I'm so disappointed about the concert, but there's nothing to be done.

I was looking forward to catching up in a setting removed from everything else that's happened, and having some fun.

Another time, I guess.

When I saw those first few messages I felt like I was going to be sick.
I knew that this was going to be the case. Silence is never a good sign, with him.

Nothing I can do, I guess. Sit and wait and see.
I miss hanging out and chatting about stuff.

I just want everything to go back to normal. This idea that I have to deliberately keep my distance is so alien to that concept that I have to keep forcing myself to respect it.
But I have done so, and I will continue to do so.

It's unfortunate that my response to this sort of stress is to try and talk to the person involved about it, while his response is to keep his distance. They're both equally valid, just unfortunately mutually incompatible.

All I can do is be here for when he decides to talk to me. It hurts to stay away, but I'll respect what I've been told because that's what one does.

All I want is my friend back.

All I want is for everything to go back to the way it was.
As soon as possible.

I expect there to be teething problems, it's an adjustment like any other. But adjustments don't make themselves. For me I just want to jump back into it and get back into the groove of the friendship prior to the events of this year. Not to forget them or ignore them, but to accept that they aren't in our present or the future.

I'll wait, no matter how it makes me feel.

He knows where I am, and that I will always be here. I don't have to talk.

Just to catch up and do whatever.

I just want it to go back to normal.

Just saw John. He walked past me at the shops.
So close I could have touched him.

He didn't see me.

I can't stop shaking. Can't breathe.

Oh my god I can't believe I've seen him after all these years and he's still swaggering around like he owns the place

Went out for dinner with my parents tonight - no reason, I just suggested it and we went. Can't remember the last time we did that, and it was nice.

Kind of feeling the itch to be social. Trying to tee up stuff with people but everybody is pretty flat out at the minute with uni and such, myself included.

I would like to get back to normal regarding chats and catchups and whatnot.

Kind of wondering how long to leave it. I'll leave it til I'm contacted, I guess? I'm not entirely sure what the done thing is here.
For myself, I'm over it. Knew it was coming, it came. Dealt with it. All good.

Back to the grind.

Drew asked me to meet him today because he was feeling down, said he'd let me know when he was free and then ignored me til 4, when he said he was going out tonight and would let me know his plans in case I wanted to join, then I didn't hear from him again.
He seems like a nice guy, and I feel that he just wants to catch up and be mates so I'm glad to meet up and stuff.

God, it makes me feel so vain and self-absorbed to consider catching up with people based on whether there's subtext involved. Is that vain? I mean it's not like I *expect* people to be, that's not it, it's just so annoying and hurtful to find out people want something from you when all you wanted was to chat. Better to consider it beforehand than to be disappointed after catching up and finding out you were on different pages.
Biggest downside to being single is that a lot more of that sort of thing goes on.

I plan to be single for a long time now. Better that way.
I don't plan on any close encounters either.
Time for me to live inside my head and spring clean with no distractions.

But yeah, Drew seems nice. I'm sorry he's feeling down. I wonder why he's talking to me about it, I'm virtually a stranger, one he met in a bar at that. Maybe that's it, the anonymity of it - it's remarkably easy to talk to an interested stranger as opposed to a friend sometimes.
Always happy to have more friends though, especially now.

God I want to watch an episode of Fringe. Maybe next weekend we can work something out - I can go over there if catching up here is a problem. Something to consider, anyway. I want to know what happens next and it's nice to have a "thing" that's shared with someone.

Found out I can move into my new place between the 7th and the 10th of October - that means over my birthday. Woopdedoo. Definitely hiring a van, maybe movers depending on the price. I'm SO OVER packing my shit in and out of trailers. Drove my parents past the place tonight as it was on our way to the restaurant - they seemed to think it looked good from the outside at least.

So aside from assignments, everything seems to be humming along nicely.

I still need to sort out applications and TISC if I need to go through it. I'd better get my shit together on that front as I'm not holding my breath for help the way things have been going.

Things to do, things to do.

I just want everything to go back to normal.

I don't want to be mad at my friends when they do insensitive things drunk.

I don't want to be anxious about my hobby.

I just want to watch some Fringe, have a chat and a cuppa, and go back to normal.
Not wonder when enough time has gone by to be able to hold a conversation.

Just want to put it all behind me, take a deep breath and continue on as if nothing ever happened.

Sooner the better, because it's all good. And tiptoeing around it just makes me nervous.

Treating it like it's gonna be weird is just gonna make it weirder than it is.

I'm good.
I've had a sook, I've nearly had seven shades of shit beaten out of me and I've had a blue with a friend, I think that satisfies all the prerequisites.

Had a great little chat with Anna the other day, and she's really great. I wish I saw more of her.

I don't want anything more to be different and strange, there's enough strange and stressful going around with Scouts without adding to it.

Just want it to all go back to normal now.

Okay so that can probably take the cake for worst night of the year, and I thought there was some competition for that last week.

I am so angry at Belle. I saw the post and the pictures, and I commented on the feed, and told her in person to leave it be.

I had to ask her again to remove individual comments which were SO OUT OF LINE it still makes me angry now.

I had a good night up until that.

I had a five minute sook, FIVE MINUTES, in which SHE cried, and we all sat in respectful silence and agreed that sometimes things are hard. That was it.

There was no need to go broadcasting a LIE on facebook to the world, my business is my business and if my business is going to be sent online I'd rather it be my actual business and not some perverted attempt to make someone important to me that she's never met feel bad.
If I wanted that then that'd be my lookout. I don't and guess what, it's still my lookout.

No bar next week.

And then that guy. That drunk guy.

He was going to hurt me.

I'm used to people being drunk and flirty, and I'm used to people being drunk and mouthy. Drunk and physically violent though... he was actually going to hurt me if that bartender hadn't come when he did.

He called me a whore and said it was no wonder I was unhappy, and that my greatest achievement in life would be an abortion. He said a lot of things.

I have friends that have killed themselves over people like that.
Over being told things like that.

And now scouts tonight is an extra hour long... it goes til 10pm now. 10pm! Nobody bothered to ask what I thought about that, I just got told. Words will be had about that.
I was trying to avoid having words at all.

And there are three assignments due now. I can't focus very well.

It's going to be a long night, and an even longer weekend.

I am so angry, and stressed, and hurt.
Fucking Belle, I don't want anything to do with her right now.

It's nobody else's business and I go out of my way to keep it to myself, and make it clear it's nobody else's business.
I mean... FACEBOOK? Fuck.

One wish

If I had one wish right now, only one.

I would wish that we could save our memories like photos, and that they would never get lost or disappear with age.

I would print one memory and I would save it and look at it when I was sad.

I would remember the sunrise breaking over the river near my house where we had our first kiss.

I would remember the cold air as we had that first, clumsy embrace.

I would remember the exhilaration I felt.

I would remember the beauty, the quiet.

I would remember the mist in the air.

I would remember the feel of his lips on mine for the first time.

I would save that in a photo, and I would keep it close.

And it would always be a source of quiet pleasure, that moment shared only by us.

It would make me smile.

And I would never lose it, and it would never fade away.

I have to move out. Everything here has a memory.

It's time for somewhere new.

I gave my notice to Kaz.

She was noticeably more understanding this time round.

I'm not surprised, I knew it was coming.
I'm just sad.

Time for a change of scenery. Time to uproot and make a life somewhere else.

Time to change the things that need to be changed, in order to keep the things that I hope never to lose.

I can't say I'm surprised.

I knew this was a long time coming.

I'm sad, of course I'm sad.

Apart from the fact that it's not nice to be told that you're not wanted any more, and to see a good thing end, to have loved and lost sometimes feels like it's a step down from never having loved at all.

But I know this is the right call to make, the right decision, and the best for both of us.

He'll always have a place in my heart but it's the friendship I value. If the rest gets in the way of the friendship, then that's what has to go.

I'm grieving for something that brought me a lot of joy, comfort and good memories. That's all they are now though, memories. It's okay to feel sad about that.

I opened my heart and I knew that sooner or later that it would be painful. I wasn't expecting the when or the how, but I knew eventually...

This time we ended on good terms, as equals, and this is how it should have ended to begin with.

Now a change of scenery, some time to be alone and yet not alone, and to understand that although this time it hasn't worked out, the only way to live is to follow your heart til it bleeds.

He worked hard and was so patient with me, to scale the walls, dismantle them brick by brick, to earn my trust and my love. That this time it didn't work out doesn't mean that it can't ever work out, it just means that it can happen again.

But maybe next time circumstances won't conspire as they have, personalities won't conflict as they did.

I felt alive when he was in bed with me, and I felt safe as I lay in his arms. I felt happy when he looked at me.

But that happiness didn't stem from romance, it stemmed from trust and affection. Neither of those things are in short supply, although I kind of feel sometimes they ought to be.
There are other ways to be affectionate.

I wasn't looking for forever, and I'm still not.

There's enough going on for me besides this.

I'm sad, but I'm okay.

This is how it was always going to end and I knew that. I knew all this week that this talk was coming. I'm glad it finally has.
I would have liked longer but of course that's just not how it works out, sometimes.

I will miss his touch, and I'll miss the way he holds me. Held me.

And I'll learn from this. That it can be okay to let someone in, but to be prepared for it to go south. To love is to make yourself vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable, but I let myself be because I trusted him.
Maybe that's not a bad thing, even though it didn't work out.

There's no date on this, but I wrote it months ago, when we were first talking about whether or not we should date, and I was unsure and conflicted because I was worried about getting hurt.

I chose then not to keep the world at arm's length. I chose to follow my heart til it bled. I made that choice again, and again.
I can watch the sunrise alone.

He asked me if it was a net negative.
I cherish ever minute, every moment, every memory.
I would never change a thing, except to be more tender, and to tell him one last time what it all meant.
To say thankyou.
To kiss him on the cheek and squeeze his hand and say thankyou.

I am proud to call him my friend, and I will be for as long as I am allowed to do so.

Ouch

Well that hurt.
That hurts.

I know part of this whole deal is that I kind of have to be cool and detached and I'm not really allowed to complain or anything but that stings.

I thought the point was that no matter what, we were friends first and foremost and we may or may not have sex also, IN ADDITION to that friendship.

I didn't expect that a gig we'd already agreed to go to would be turned down because "it might be awkward... because we're broken up". Gee, in case I'd forgotten when I reminded you?
My money is that it's not as awkward as boning your ex but hey, that's different.

Is it only okay for us to see each other behind closed doors or when it's conveniently on the way to or from home or work?
Is my friendship limited to having sex and giving a lift home?

Is that all I am?
Free sex and chauffeur on the side?
And the friendship is just sort of an addendum to that?

It was excuse after excuse.
Haven't heard the music... It's a bit awkward... It's so far into the future (Oh wait, is THAT the time!?)... Should be fine, I think.

I'm stung that you can invite yourself around for the night but the thought of organising to go out in public is too much.
Am I that embarrassing that you don't want to be seen with me?

You've been distant and standoffish the last couple days. I've noticed.

If you don't want to talk to me, I'd much rather you just frigging said so.
If you don't want to see me, man up and tell me that. Face to face is ideal but I'll accept a call.

Why is having sex and having "our" shows to watch and going out for lunch or a movie spontaneously okay, but buying tickets "might be awkward"?

No need to remind me we've broken up. I know.

Part of being friends is making plans and doing things though. Why is seeing me for hours at a time and sleeping next to me fine but going out isn't?
Is that all I am? Cheap lay?

I know I'm not allowed to feel anything any more, and I know I'm not allowed to complain. I can't say any of these things if I want to keep seeing you because that's against the rules. Gotta be cool.

But that was douchey and it makes me feel like dirt.
Friends get to go out too, right?

I didn't cut you out of my life. I still invite you to things with my friends because I count you as one of them. I don't expect the same from you but I didn't expect a total stratification either.

I'm overreacting. This is one thing. We go out to the movies and lunch about once a week. But it's always just us and always spontaneous. I always fit in with your plans. We don't make plans, we fill in time.
What's wrong with group stuff?

What's wrong with planning to go somewhere?
Are you worried I'll view it as a date? Because when you consider that we've been sleeping together it kinda seems like the concert should be the least of your worries, you know?

I know that none of this was intentional. But it was your first reaction and therefore an honest one.

I know I'm not allowed to say anything, but that hurts. It cuts me to the bone.

I'll get over it, I know it wasn't intentional. But I am starting to wonder where exactly I stand in the friendship food chain.

Isolated

I just want to talk :(

Need to talk about it. Get it out so I can see it. Not have to internalise it because I have no alternative.

I just want to talk :(