These iron tablets make me feel awful. I'd take them with food, except that even the thought of food makes me want to be violently ill.

I'm glad I'm home alone tonight. Jay will probably be late home due to his work drinks thing.

I want to go out, I just feel too ill to do so.
I also feel too bored to sit at home.

I miss human contact.

Ed was really sweet when I was over there. I told him about Dash and a little about Jay and he gave me a big hug.

I haven't been held in a long while, it feels. Not by someone who owes me nothing and doesn't have to, but is being actively kind. I miss it.
Ed didn't want anything from me, just my company and a catch up, and he listened to everything and was very sweet. He put his arm around me as we watched tv and for the first time in months I was touched by a male and didn't feel like I needed to escape or scream. There was nothing behind it, it was just nice to be beside sometime who cares.

Is it wrong to miss that?

I didn't realise how unhappy I was until he put his arm around me and it struck me that I was happy not to be alone, to not only be in the room with someone but also feel in the moment.

I don't always feel comfortable here.
The company is a downside more than a perk sometimes. Not always. Not even most of the time. But lately more than usual.
And I am alone on so many levels.

I didn't feel alone. I did feel safe. You know what above all I think I felt respected. There was no agenda, no sexual anything. He made it clear I'd be in the couch and he'd be on the bed. He made damn sure he didn't act over familiar in any way and was really careful about any physical contact we did have.
I felt like he gave a damn how I felt and like I was important and how I felt was important. I felt like he CARED. And that was enough to make me happy.

I could talk to Ed about all of it, the things I don't tell anybody about because they won't get it or I don't want to be seen gossiping or whining or being petty. But his girlfriend/fiancee may be less enthused about the sort of thing that happened on Wednesday. Nothing happened. But idk. Maybe she's a bigger person than I am.
I've not met her yet.

I missed being held by someone offering only comfort. I missed cuddles. And now that I've been reminded of that, I don't know what to do.

Weird

So I got a message from Ed last night asking if I was up for coming over to smoke his pipe. TOBACCO pipe. Tobacco pipe. Not a crack pipe, or the other kind.
There's nothing inherently unusual about this, except that he messaged me at 2:42am.

I kind of miss middle of the night callouts. It's nice to think that someone's thinking of you during the witching hour. I've no issues with popping round to a mate's in the middle of the night, I've asked people over at odd hours myself. It's just that the reason for doing so is usually down to either feeling very, very crappy or very, ah, pent up.

Last I heard, Ed is engaged. I also heard a rumour they're unhappy, although I hope it's unfounded. He's a lovely person and he deserves to be happy.

Maybe I'm reading too much into someone being awake and bored in the middle of the night. I definitely would have gone if I was awake to see the message and actually had today off instead of working a full one instead.
Either way, I'll probably see him tonight after I pick up my car (!) and grab some tea if I feel up to it.

On an unrelated note, I was saying to Jay the other day (obv before that happened) that I don't miss being a girlfriend and I don't see myself committing to a relationship anytime in the near future. But I do miss having someone look at me like I light up the room, and I miss the way  that person makes me feel. I miss kisses and cuddles and laying in bed with cum in my hair and laughing all the while.

I don't miss sex. I mean obviously I DO mix sex, duh. But I don't want to actually have sex though which is weird. Sometimes it's like my mind/body prods me and goes "uh, Ash? Ash? ASH?" and I'm kind of like well what do you want me to do about it? I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone. I miss the connection more than I miss the actions.

I miss being WANTED and I miss wanting the person who wants me. I miss that closeness but I don't want it with anyone and can't picture who I'd want it with anyway. It'd still feel like cheating if I got involved with someone. It'd feel wrong. I'm still adjusting and grieving. I feel like I'm only starting to now that we're talking. Before then there was no new input so there was no progress, no change.

I do miss being close with someone though. I just don't want to replace it with something crappier though. And I know that anything with anyone will be crappy. I don't want to go where I've been and I don't want anything else. I just want to feel that connection in a non physical, non sexual way and just not feel pent up either.
Yeah not sure that's gonna happen!

I just feel like I'm missing something but I guess that's all part of the process. Something I can deal with now that we're talking :)

Be nice to know what's up with Ed though!

I don't know how to talk to him any more.
Am I going crazy?

He talks to me, asks me about my day, I tell him. I ask him and I get some variation of "sick" or "bored".

I ask about the house. I get an update it was sold. I ask what it's like. "I don't know". I ask if it's a similar size to the last one. "Yeah"

I just find it really hard to move forward in a conversation like that. I don't want to pry, that's not it. I just don't want to give more details about mine that are wanted, and I don't want to only talk about me. I'm interested in how he is and what's news.

I don't really know what I'm looking for, single word answers just make me feel like I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong but I don't think that's the vibe I should be getting.

On another note these iron tablets frigging hurt. My stomach is killing me but it's not toooooo bad. Should settle down in time I hope. Upping to two today, hope my body is ready lol. Only one way to know :/

Excited about this car. Gonna call mum and ask for a loan. They just bought a $40k caravan so with any luck they're in dosh lol

I need help.

Alone and depressed and don't know what to do.

Jays gone out to see his mate.

I need someone to talk to.

Belle's passed out drunk at home and nobody else is picking up.

So Jay has peeled himself off the ceiling, admitted he was overreacted but still seems to think it's a big deal.

I mean yeah, it was rude and tactless but it is hardly a big issue in the grand scheme of things.

And he was SO ANGRY.

Anger is so often the response of someone trying to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

He now wants to come to the thing "if I'm okay with it". So I'm still in charge of some covert operation, and he still won't talk to his mate about it.

Frankly I don't really want to hang out with Jay right now. Obviously we live together and see each other all the time, but he carried on like a two-bob watch, like a CHILD, and now he still expects like I want him there, like it's not even a question, after listening to all that. Like I'm not a little peeved at listening to him rant about something inconsequential. He knows it was inconsequential but got angry over it anyway.

I haven't heard from Andrew. We may hang this Friday, or maybe Monday, or maybe another time entirely. I don't know. I was going to suggest to Jay that seeing as he decided to abstain from the pub in deference to mine and others' mental health, maybe Andrew could come to that instead and that way avoid the pointy end of the issue. But he's decided (for now) that he'll be on his best behaviour and come for a couple of drinks and to apologise to Scotty. But still doesn't want to see Andrew (does want to come to the marathon though - so just making a point?)

We'll see what happens when I get home tonight. I think I'll suggest the pub as an equitable group thing to do and the marathon is between him and Andrew to sort out between them.
I suggest if he wants in then he should just ask but I'm not overly impressed because if we all go it'll be tense and that's not my idea of fun.

Home

I'm really confused about what to do at home.

Jay and I get along like a house on fire. Aside from a couple of minor bumps in the road we have gotten along well, been close but not weird, shared the space but given each other room (for the most part) and generally things have hummed along.

So yesterday Jay called me at lunch to say he was going home sick, and could I come grab him. I was enjoying the time to myself but crook is crook so I jumped in the car on a 36.5° day and grabbed him.
When I got to Subiaco, he and Andy were sitting in the bench waiting for me.
No drama.

So I hop out of the car and sit on the bench with them. Now Andy I've met twice before - once in passing, once for a couple hours at the pub. So we know each other but I wouldn't call him a friend exactly.

We're sitting on the bench and the conversion somehow turns to Pirates of the Caribbean. Andy tells me he has them all on blu ray. I look suitably impressed. He says we should marathon. Jay agrees,  saying he's only seen the first one. Andy COMPLETELY ignores him and goes back to me. I ask Jay if he's coming, Andy again doesn't acknowledge this.

Now I agree that this is INCREDIBLY RUDE and totally unacceptable. No arguments. You don't want a person at a thing, you don't make plans in front of them. Especially not if it's something they'd like in on. Super simple stuff.

But after we get home, Andy starts messaging me finding out when I'm free etc. I don't think anything more of it beyond it being amusing till he messages me asking "should we ask Jay or just us?" Now Jay is my housemate so like either way he's going to know about it. He's also Andy's friend - much moreso than I. I ask Jay what he wants and he's annoyed that Andy doesn't just ask him directly. He kind of wants in but is annoyed at being blanked earlier and an apparent afterthought now.
I reply to Andy that I'm not sure if he's free/interested, and what does he think? Andy sends the following message:
"Not fussed. The fact that he's only seen the first one makes me say yes, but I don't know".

I relay this to Jay and at first he's surprised, amused and bemused in equal parts. But son this gives way to a lot of offence being taken, general anger and I suspect a little jealousy.
"He keeps saying he wants to hang out but I was THERE and he blanked me! He doesn't even KNOW you! I'm his friend, surely he should be asking me!"
"That was a dick move!"

So I'm thinking yes it was rude but he's your mate not your wife, he's also knocked back a fair few of Andy's catch up requests before, not that it excuses rudeness now. I agree that yes Andy was rude but maybe he just thought he'd see Jay another time? Jay gets madder and madder over this (perceived) slight and I now realise the reality of the position I'm in.

My housemate's friend has asked to hang out and been sneaky about it. My response was to tell Jay.
Jay is angry at his mate (but not me) for being sneaky and blanking him.
Housemate doesn't want me to see his mate without him out of butthurt. Also doesn't want me to go without him. Cites "feeling uncomfortable" (?).
So in short he won't come, but doesn't want me to go either.

I told him his problem with Andy is his problem with Andy and while I sympathise and yes it was rude it's not my business. HOWEVER I live with him and don't want to rock the boat. So I ask him what to do.

He says he'd rather I didn't go. I say that's fine and I'll tell Andy I can't make it - *on this occasion* - but that I wasn't prepared to lie about why. As it happens I DO want to go so no I'm not going to tell a fib to get out of it.

I don't like that I'm restricting my social life based on someone else's temper and comfort level but I live with Jay, barely know Andy and don't want dramas at home. So I'll not go THIS TIME but I'm not going to lie about it.

So Jay tells me to just go and he'll get over it.
Get over what?

I ask Jay if it's just the blanking/sneaky or if it's the fact that it's Andy, or me, or both.
He says it's a bit of both.
So catching up with Andy might never be okay, which doesn't sit well because nobody tells me who I can and can't see.

Now I like Andy. Blanking aside, be seems lovely the two times I've met him and Jay's only ever had praise from him til now. I would like to be his friend because he seems cool.

What on earth does Jay "feel uncomfortable" about anyway? I'm not his girlfriend. I'm his housemate. Andy's not his boyfriend. He's a work mate. What's to feel "uncomfortable" about?
I could get feeling left out, jealous, a little betrayed at the outside. But uncomfortable???

I don't know what to do.
Jay doesn't want me to talk to Andy about him and I don't want to interfere in their... thing... But I'm not going to lie about not going and apparently Jay doesn't want that either. He wants me to not go AND keep quiet on why.
He'd rather I went than tell Andy.

Well he can tell Andy himself, but I still don't know what to do :(

Jay wound someone else up last night, made them properly mad and I don't blame them. Breathtakingly rude, I'd have been spitting too.

So naturally Scott called ME this morning to say he wasn't going back unless an apology was made and it wasn't going to happen again.

Now I chewed Jay out last night when we got home, but there are other things Scott told me about this morning which I didn't know about. I'm pissed about what happened and words WILL be had, but I'm not his girlfriend nor his keeper so I kind of resent being put in the middle like this.

This is the second time, and it had best be the last or he can look after the house whilst I go by myself to the pub. Belle and I have already told Alex he's not coming back and I've no issues doing the same with Jay if he decides other people's feelings aren't important, housemate or no.
I've not had any issues with him myself but I go to the pub to have fun and make friends, not watch someone get on someone else's nerves and generally see how much they can fuck them about before something is said.

I feel like a nagging girlfriend but I don't appreciate the position I've been put in, nor the activities themselves.
He looked contrite last night as I was pointing out how messed up it was, and seems to take what I say on board. But that was the same last time and here we are!

If behaved toward me like he did toward Scott last night, he'd find himself down a friend in short order without some serious grovelling, backed up by never doing it again.

Sucks to be me, stuck in the middle. But not as much as it's gonna suck for Jay when I sit him down tonight. Not happy Jan.

Not gonna get caught up in someone else's argument and not gonna let history repeat during my single drinking night per week. I'm nobody's keeper so this is the last time before I just tell him not to come.

I'm so over people and their bullshit.

Why is it so impossible for two people to be friends?
Like seriously, what is the deal?

There has to be tons of girls out there looking for some action, why are the flies all over my particular uninterested carcass?

I mean shit, I don't understand why people can't just take a fucking hint.

What's so special about me?

I've been single for like five minutes, I don't understand the hype. What happened to letting the girl have some modicum of say? Or is it the challenge of talking me into it?

I'm fucking sick of people's shit. Next person gets a slap in the face.

Yeah I didn't cook dinner.

Got to the pub, migraine got worse, messaged Jay to say I'd be asleep outside when he was done, he messaged back to say the bar was quiet and dimly lit so I went in. Jake came and met us, he looked really uncomfortable the whole time.

Something tells me it's not quite what he had in mind but that suits me just fine.

So my head got worse and worse til I could barely see, but the alcohol helped to knock the edge off it.

Jay and Andy disappeared to go get something from work and buy smokes or something, I don't even know. Jake walked me back to my car while we waited and he said he missed me, and I've been the only thing on my mind or some shit like that. I couldn't really concentrate at the time.

I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He asked me if I missed him too and I can't remember what I said, I think I made a joke of it "oh you drift across my conscious mind occasionally, I guess."

I don't miss him, I don't even think of him that way. It annoys me that he does. Why do we have to make everything complicated? Why can't people just be friends and leave it there? Why do we make it so hard for ourselves?

He left and Andrew went off to find his car and go home, and Jay apologised for asking me to drive - if he'd known how much everything hurt he would have caught a taxi, I think. But I said I'd do it so I did.

He said Jake has it bad, and you could see it pretty clearly. Unfortunately I think he's right. Next time he's in Perth I'll have to do the right thing and have a chat about the fact that nothing is ever going to happen. I thought we had that clear but clearly things have changed for him.

At least I have a convenient excuse. I don't have to say something like "because three days of you in Perth is enough to have me daydreaming about removing your tonsils with a rusty nail" or "I'm sorry, I just don't see you that way, I mean I like you, but I don't like you" or some cliche bullshit like that. Instead I can roll with something that is entirely true, but also not the whole story - "I'm sorry, I'm not in the right place right now. I don't want to date. I just need a friend right now."
It's not untrue, and it's not a reflection on him. I don't have to be mean about it. It just is what it is.

I'm just frustrated that this has even happened. Why am I in this situation? I thought I had this sorted.
I thought it was all simple.

Sigh.

Jay and I are off to look at rats now. I want to call one Ratticus (unless I think of a better name) but he like Herman the Vermin. We'll see!

I'm so sick.

Gary may be moving in, his sister has asked him to leave apparently so after initially saying no, he came round for a couple of drinks last night (leaving at 3am lol) and Jay told him he could stay as long as he wanted.

I'm really grateful. I only survived, I am only here today, because people opened their doors and their hearts to me. People need that. Nobody should be forced to do anything alone in this world.
I'm glad Gary has a choice now, and whether he chooses to take it is up to him.

I lived in houses where all they did was take in stray people and give them a home and a place with support and love. I think it's a beautiful and valuable thing.
Jay lived alone for near enough on ten years; he hasn't had that experience. I know me moving in here was a huge adjustment for someone unaccustomed to sharing his space with anyone at all, without considering inviting in a stranger to stay only a short time afterward.

The house is only small, and it's crowded enough with just myself and Jay here, but I don't mind Gary staying in the spare room. He's a lot of fun, he's been very good to me, and it's not forever.
It was unequivocally the right thing to do. I'm glad Jay came around.

I still don't know what to do about scouts, about Troy.

Stressed out.

Uni is all but failed for me this semester. I'm going to drop all my units and re-enrol for next year. If they stick me on academic probation I'll work next year. No worries. A gap year can't be a bad thing. Especially since Centrelink is unlikely to pay me to study again next year.

I'll work it out. It'll be easier to save if Gary moves in, he'll flick in some money which means I have to flick in less. Probably means a lot more drinking though, so I may lose those savings haha.

Jay and Lauren are having troubles, and he and Erin are all but over. I think as daunting as having someone else over is, it'll help be some distraction and maybe be a good thing overall. I'm glad he came round and agreed. I think it'll be a blast if it happens,

After Gary left last night I got to sit on the couch, racked with pain, and listen to Jay get really angry about the latest thing Lauren's done for over an hour. Sounds like she's not good to be around for him. She drives me up the wall and I've only met her a handful of times.

I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like nobody understands. Jay is great, we get along well, share the space well without being on top of each other, in each other's way or avoiding each other. We work opposite days so by and large we only see each other at night or on Wednesdays. I have Friday, Saturday and Sundays to myself all day til dinner, he has Monday and Tuesday arvo and all day Thursday to himself. It works. He listens and he sympathises and to an extent I guess he gets it, his situation with Lauren was somewhat similar to mine in certain elements, but I am alone.
I feel alone, but I'm comfortable with someone else being in the space with me whilst I feel it.

I've been thinking about cutting more and more, but I think that's a product of the time of month as much as anything else. It's easy to get bogged down and grumpy when everything hurts, I feel like a water balloon and have a fuse shorter than ever - or so it feels. It'll pass in time, but I'm finding it hard.

I'd like Gary to move in here if he so chooses. I feel it's the right thing to do. I want to do what I can, when I can and it's so rare for me to have something meaningful and concrete to offer another person. I'm glad at least now I can offer.

Jake is in town and wants to catch up - this is his last night in Perth. Is it bad I don't want to see him? I'm really not feeling up to it, even though I know it'll be another 4 weeks or whatever before he even has the opportunity to come to Perth, and he probably won't want to as he came down the last two swings.
Scott keeps asking to catch up as well. He came to the pub on Thursday. It was a lot of fun, we all swapped clothes. He ended up in the bartender (Rowina)'s tights and Belle's dress, and I ended up in his shirt and Hayden's pants, and Belle had my shirt and pants. By the end of the night we all swapped back, although I stole Belle's dress and she took my shirt, pants and jacket. I may never see them again, but I really like the dress so I might call it square lol. If I get the jacket back I'll be happy.

I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. I come home and there are my rabbits and Jay, and that's comfortable and stress free. I don't want men dying at my feet. I don't want anything with anyone. I just want to be left alone.
I mean sure I miss sex but I miss having no hassles even more.

I just want everyone to leave me alone.
Scott's okay, he tries it on but he isn't emotional about it. Jake was texting me every day with a countdown til he was in Perth. He invited me to his uni ball (yeah, no) and told me he misses me. I mean, I count the guy as a fun dude and all but come on... I'm not up for emotional bullshit and I thought he knew what the score was. I'm a "cool chick" apparently and he's a top bloke, but we're only mates and I thought that was clear... I guess now I'm single and also unattached (as opposed to singe yet attached or whatever) I'm fair game. Yeah that can fuck right off. I'll go out for a drink tonight because alcohol helps with the pain, but if he even suggests staying over here tonight he has another thing coming because it is not going to happen. I shared my bed during my party and that was hard enough, it's not happening now. Especially not if he's emotionally invested. Best to nip that in the bud I think.

How did things get complicated so quickly?

How did this happen?

I was single, I moved house, it was all humming along nicely and then suddenly, BAM! Jake invites me to a ball, ex messages me to tell me he's not messaging me, have a party and there are multiple people naked in my house and banging in my bed (sigh), Scott messages me (after sleeping with Alice I might add, classiest of touches I thought lol), ex messages me to say he's sick and still not talking to me, so naturally we have a chat which was actually REALLY NICE, and then Jake announces he's in Perth so I fob him off and have Gary round for drinks, Gary gets invited to move in, Scott texts me, Jake announces it's his last night in Perth and do I want to catch up.
Holy shit man.

How did that even happen!?

I don't want it.

Like obv some of it is good, great even.

But I'm not fair game and I'm not interested.

I've enough shit to think about.

Okay well I'm gonna go collect my housemate from the pub now which I'm totally NOT BITTER ABOUT because I'm being paid fuel money, think of the money Ash think of the money. $20 a week for dropping him 10/15 minutes down the road three days a week. Nooooo worries! Today I just feel sore and sick and shitty and don't really care for leaving the house but it's a Sunday, I can't ask him to catch the bus after accepting the money he deposited in my account. So that's that I guess.

It was good to chat, I really enjoyed it. After the first 10 minutes anyway, which I spent staring at the fence shaking with tears rolling down my face while Jay looked at me worriedly. And it was pretty much then I realised I'm probably not pregnant. It was good and I'm happy. Shame he's sick though. I mean I might be in pain or whatever and foolishly thought I could get away with food I clearly couldn't, but I'm not like bedridden with massive infections riddling my very soul. So that's good I guess!

Anyway, pub. Then I cook dinner, if I can stomach it.

Jay tells me that he started seeing his ex, Lauren, after they broke up but it wasn't because he missed her as a friend.

He says I'm not being stupid to miss someone I cared about a lot, and that it's more than he can say that I actually miss the friendship.

I feel like I've been left standing out in the cold after baring my soul.
I feel so alone.

I don't think there's any pleasure to be gained out of this situation, I don't think there's any moral high ground to take. I don't think there's a silver lining.

I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't make right now any less shitty.

Back to square one. Back to zero.

I'm not surprised, I just find the silence hard to deal with. Especially when it's broken and then resumed like nothing had happened.

It's my birthday party tomorrow.

There'll be a few people there, people I know and love and I am looking forward to it, but I can't help but feel something is missing.

I feel like that a bit lately, though.

When I passed out the other day, three times in five minutes, I didn't want to be there on my own.
I wanted to have someone to call. I almost had to, luckily I made it to the top of the steps before I hit the deck.

Mostly I wanted to not have some weird aversion to heat though, that'd probably be a step up.

Listening to a lot of music.

Feeling very reflective.

Feeling a little anxious about various things.

Scouts.

I just committed myself to another term and I can't help but feel now that I have, that it was a mistake to do so.

I might look at transferring to another group.

Oh those things were related. That makes more sense.

Stoked to hear from him.

Maybe I will again at some point.

Holy shit timing is everything

So much has happened

Just had my first big O since last time I was with him. It's not the same at all. I miss sex. Surprised I lasted this long. Been really pent up this last week.

On an (kind of) unrelated note, this is my first night in my own bed for a couple weeks. Finally got the movers in and all my stuff at my new joint. NO MORE COUCH FOR THIS GUY.

Got a message for my birthday. Glad to think he's thinking of me I guess, but I dunno. It makes me sad that we're still not even on speaking terms.

I'm going to fail uni this semester. Since September I've just absolutely bailed. Can't focus, can't think, can't concentrate. Been thinking a little about self harm. Haven't done anything though. Just been really stressed with not talking, stuff with scouts, moving.

I told Troy I'm not coming back but I still expect him to leave. There's nobody here to help me with this and I can't do it on my own. I can't. I trusted someone with it for the first time, put things in motion, and I'm left standing here on my own. I can't follow through.
I have to leave, it's the only other option left.

I realise now why I never told anyone before, never trusted anyone with it before. This is so much worse than anything else that's happened. This IS the worst.
I should never have believed there was any intent to actually help because I have been left alone, so alone. The fact that I've dealt, that I've reached out to other people on a lesser level (let's learn from mistakes and not repeat them, hey) does not excuse that.
I'm not blaming and I'm not even mad. There's no obligation. I've no RIGHT to anything.
I think I'm just upset because I trusted someone for the first time. For the first time, I let someone see all of me. And they said all the right things, encouraged me to take steps. Then they took one look and left me there alone after promising whatever else happened, that wouldn't. I should have seen that coming. I should never have put myself in a position that I actually believed that, much less relied on it. I took someone at their word, and I'm angry at myself for doing so.

It was so hard to be so vulnerable. To let someone see me as I am. Such an effort. I wasn't expecting it to be discarded as it was.

But I won't go back and it will be gone.

I'm good. I'm happy. I'm safe.

I miss my mate but what can I do?

I will be fine and I am fine. This scouts bullshit will be over soon enough and then I can put it out of my mind.
I'm not angry at anyone but myself.

Finally got my stuff here though :D Finally a bed and no more floordrobe! I have a cat now though D:
Can't win them all I guess though.

Had a good birthday, Dan kind of... I dunno. It was fine.

Party is still going ahead on the 18th. Still kind of hoping he might change his mind and come. I mean Shane is coming. SHANE. If I had a choice I know who I'd rather choose. I just don't understand.

This much silence, I was either the most important person in his world or the least. Kind of seeing it as very much the latter.

I got over us breaking up a while ago now. I just miss my friend.
I made all the allowances to keep that friendship. Maybe that was a mistake. I wouldn't trade any of it though. Not a second.

I think about him every day but not the relationship. Does that make sense? I wonder what he's doing, wonder how he is. I miss our chats. I miss going out for lunch.

I don't know what I could have done differently in that last month or so to have prevented this silence. I thought I was as gracious as I could be, took all the changes with as much dignity and understanding as I could. I certainly tried to.

People are stepping into the void now. I don't mind, I'm glad.

This whole thing comes off as really negative. There are negatives right now but overall I'm in a good place. There are things I would like to be different but I'm happy, I'm strong and I think I may have found a home.

Would love to just sit and talk and be back where everything made sense.

I'm busy and I'm having SO MUCH FUN but it's not the same and it does feel sometimes like something's missing.

Most times I don't notice or think about it but then someone says something or a song comes on and I'm a little melancholy for a time.

But I'm doing my best and I'm getting by and I'm having a blast.

Getting it all together now.
Guess I just wish I wasn't the only one.

Sometimes I think that to be cut out like this means that I meant everything, which is some comfort. Then I think maybe I was cut out like this because I meant nothing. And there's no way for me to know.

I'm still finding it difficult not to take it personally but I'm getting there slowly.

And I'm making friends and more social than I have been in years.

I saw Jake last night for the first time in yonks... I've missed him so much. Was good to catch up and chat :)

Poor Ed :( it is broken! Looks like I owe him a drink...

I look up into the sky and I know you see what I see.

I take comfort in the knowledge that wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, we are under the same stars.

I feel so lost.

Having a great time and keeping busy but I just want everything to go back to normal.

I miss all the shit we used to do.

Saw my birthday thing was declined. I guess I knew that was coming but it's still a shame.

Would have been nice to have an endpoint to the feeling of being... I don't even know what I'm supposed to be in this situation.

I don't want to be the source of any pain.
I only want good things for him.

I guess it makes me a little sad that that's not the case.

But you know all I can do is what I can do which is respect the boundaries I've been set - that's why I left last night even though doing so made me want to claw my heart out of my chest. But it was the right thing to do. Downed some G&Ts and soldiered on.

Got dinner with Ed and Jay and dropped Ed home. His poor wrist :s it's at best a bad sprain but could well be fractured.
He's not happy with Michael haha.

My elbow has finally stopped going purple now. Considering its still been darkening and it happened Sunday it must have been a hell of a knock. Well I know it was, I hit my head too.

Sometimes I wish someone would hit me in the head again. And again and again.

I've been thinking about cutting lately. I don't like that.

I just don't like feeling like the object of bad feelings for someone I have only good feelings for.

I've been keeping busy and thinking about it less and less but last night really hit me.

I haven't cried so much since I saw him when I came back from overseas.

But it is what it is and I am what I am and what I am is happy.

Spent a good hour at uni this arvo, left when I saw science grads wandering about. Knew his graduation was about now. Left uni when the last one was on too, just in case.

Ed offered to give Michael a piggy bank but lost his balance and stacked it. He kept Michael safe but we think he may have a fractured wrist :( whooooops.

Saw his Facebook graduation photos up.
I'm happy for him and I left so I wouldn't spoil his day if we ran into each other.
But I would have liked to have been a part of it.

Jay rang and asked for a lift home from uni after I finish work.
My heart is still in my mouth after seeing those photos. We'll go for drinks (he only stopped throwing up at 7pm yesterday what a champ) and I'll throw ed out at his place on the way.

I feel like crap.

Kids were a blast today, so popular at uni. There are guild elections and they loved collecting and handing out the propaganda flyer things and being ooohed and aahed over. And Ed stacked it with Michael on his shoulders and hurt his wrist really bad. I feel badly for him because Michael was STOKED and wouldn't stop yelling how much fun it was lol.

Then I saw the graduation robes and I high tailed it out of there before something happened I'd regret.

I just saw his face on Facebook and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was at uni. I was there and he was there.

I saw people in science graduation gear and I left so he wouldn't have to see me, in case it was his graduation this time (did the same thing the other day).

We were in the same place at the same  time but I left so we wouldn't bump into each other.

I had really wanted to be there for that. I had to leave so I wouldn't be.

I wanted to be there and I left for him.

I just want to cry and cry. I miss my friend.  I miss him more than I can put into words. But I don't want to force my way into his life. It's his day; I thought it may have been so I left.

But I wish I hadn't :(

What a night.

Half a bottle of straight rum. Straight. Rum.

A couple of ciders with dinner.

A Jim Beam and coke with Kaz before I left home.

How I was still standing is a freaking miracle, although I think I probably drank my bodyweight in water. NOT SO MUCH AS A HEADACHE. Fuck yeah!

I spent the ENTIRE night looking after Jay. Aaaaand all of this morning. He was still throwing up at 2pm. Had a hangover for both of us, looked like. Man, but was he hurting. I felt great, felt a little guilty about that though lol.

Fucking obstinate and belligerent. Drink some water Jay. Go to bed Jay. You can't even stand up, have a shower in the morning Jay. No, you may not go back downstairs to watch a movie, if you don't stack it on the way down you'll never make it back up again. Go to bed Jay. Drink some water, Jay. Go to sleep, Jay.

He fell on me and I cracked my head on the wall, whacked my elbow and foot pretty hard too.
Elbow is gone purple :( no concussion though luckily. Would you believe I actually checked the wall for blood to see if I cracked my head? Fell really, really hard. Took out a speaker on the way down too.

Still, it was a lot of fun, he doesn't remember any of it but I do... really hope he gets onto cleaning the sink because that's where I draw the line.

I'll fetch and carry water and I'll shove someone into bed but that's really the extent of it.

He doesn't remember any of it, at all (barely remembers dinner at 9pm) but there were some sweet chats in between the radiohead/youtube fest.
Said he didn't want to be another Corey/Michael/whoever. No hassles, no dramas, no tensions.

It's nice to just have a mate.

Sorted out that whole hand holding business, I don't have to worry about it.
Aaaaaaall good.

Got a hell of a message from Drew this morning though.
I don't know what he thinks he remembers happening but I'm willing to bet it's not what actually happened (given that nothing actually happened, but he was blackout drunk and obviously freaked out). Long and the short of the message was that he didn't want anything to happen between us. My response: good. Glad we got that straight then lol. Sweet. Sorted.

I'm glad I've managed to find some friends who I can have fun with.
Especially with everything else that's been going on.

Jay's been seeing some bird called Erin, sounds like he's pretty serious about her. He deserves it.

We had a long talk last night (which he now no longer recalls) about feeling hollow, empty, used. Feeling like nobody sees you for who you are and that if they do they won't like it and they'll leave and they'll never come back.
Feeling alone in this world and that you aren't living, you're just existing.

____

John had a fall today. He's in hospital. Looks like he's probably going to go into a home.
So that happened.

____

My cousin Kirsty has been diagnosed with Coeliac disease. Given it's genetic it's a good idea for me to get tested too. Would definitely explain a few things.

____

Uni is making me supply a death notice for Kat and proof of John's illness in order to get an extension. Is that callous or what?

____

I saw Jesse on Saturday night. So good to see him again.

___

I feel like I'm finally in the groove.

I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with my friends.

I feel like I have people I can talk to, who are always there to listen to me and who I can trust to do the right thing by me.

I do feel sad sometimes when I think about how things have panned out with respect to semi-recent events.
But I've done everything I can do.

I find it hard not to take it personally.

I find it hard not knowing what's happening, if it's something I've said or done or not said or not done.

I find it hard just wanting to pick up where we left off and just go back to being friends.

I find it liberating seeing people I can just talk to.

I find it liberating to feel safe with people who care about me,

I find it liberating that I think about it less and less each day (except for yesterday, when it was at the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons).

I can honestly say that my beef is over.

I find what's happening now difficult to wrap my head around, but not what happened before.

I miss my friend, but I'm trucking on and I'm getting on with it.

And I'm having a blast.

There will always be room in my life for him, and I'm obviously incredibly fond of the man. I miss talking to him, hanging out, getting lunch.

But I'm getting it together.

I have it together.

Except for uni. Ooooooooops.

I should have just left it

I shouldn't have contacted him at all.

But I said I'd let him know about the tickets. I waited as long as I thought was fair.

What screws me up is not that he isn't speaking to me, although I find that pretty hurtful. Most of the time I don't think about it so it's not a big deal.

What screws me up is when we DO speak, and he starts out clipped but responsive, then drops down to one words, no capitalisation and no punctuation, then just stops replying altogether. You know what's rude? Messages into a void. You're done talking, you say goodbye. That's not difficult and goes a long way towards not making me feel like a blight on your day.

I don't understand the issue.
I want to be able to.

I understand taking a week, two weeks even. I understand getting your head together, having a sook, working out where you fit into the world and the relationship after a change.

But we had an understanding. I thought we did, anyway. I would have thought that as the person who was broken off with, as opposed to one doing the breaking up, I'd be the one looking for time and space.

I want to understand the rationale but I'm not allowed to know so I'm kind of left to my own interpretation of events which is probably completely wrong.

Part of this conversation was going to include "and you know if you decide otherwise, let me know" but then I realised how stupid that is... it's not going to happen and as a gesture all it does is make me look in equal parts pushy, desperate and/or naive instead of how I intended it - as a genuine offer of, if you change your mind, I'd still love to spend this time with you.

Pretty hurtful to think that all these years of being friends, and all those months of being more, isn't even worth just saying "I'm gonna go now". Being straight up is something I always appreciated with him but I'm not seeing it now.

"I guess I'm still not gonna hear from you for a while?"
"probably not"

I would need a flow chart to describe how cutting that is.

I'm not asking for an explanation, I just want to know if I'm ever going to hear from you again, at what point I can start inviting you to things (you haven't RSVPd to my birthday either way, and I don't know if that means you know you're not going to come and you don't want to hurt my feelings or commit to not coming or heaven forbid let me know where you stand on it, or you think you probably aren't going to come but you haven't decided and are leaving wiggle room. Knowing you, my theory is that you're pretty sure you don't want to come, you just don't want to put that out there).
I asked you because obviously you're important to me and I'd like you there. But I can deal if you don't want to come. Life marches on, I just think it's nice to include people I care about at stuff like that so they can come if they want to, rather than assuming one way or another on your behalf.
I don't want to have to ask, I don't want to be that person always hassling someone who doesn't want to hear from me.

And I don't want to feel like talking to me is such an insult, or a hassle, or unwelcome for whatever reason that even saying "okay well I'm off, catch you later" is one line of communication too much.

___

I hope things get better. I worry that that line came off as sarcastic or insincere but it wasn't.

I would like to have you in my life and I hope you're okay.

"Same to you"

I'm having a blast this last couple of days. There's nothing to get better for me. For some reason I found that as affronting as the rest of the conversation.

I guess we just deal with things differently.

I don't count many people among my friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not so many friends. When I do have a friend I work at that friendship. I try and strengthen it, and protect it, and work at it and prolong it.
Life gets messy and life gets awkward and things come between people.
But only if we let them.

Sometimes it's time to call time and you gotta know when that time is.
But most of the time awkward is of our own making. All of the time drifting apart is. I'm as guilty of it as the next person. But if I care about someone then I don't like to actively facilitate it.

If he thinks it's time to call time on the friendship, then I'd rather just know. We've had the bandaid discussion before. If not, then it's not hard to be civil and polite enough to say goodbye when you're done talking.

If he doesn't think it's time, which is obviously my preference, then take the time away from each other, but be a little less "okay you've used up your allotment of messages now" about it.

____

I  just reread this and it comes across pretty harshly.
I don't mean it to.

I really, really, REALLY just want the best for him. All of my heart wishes him nothing but happiness and luck.

I guess I just find these conversations hard, I find it hard not to take them personally.

And I find the not knowing hard.

I find it hard to reconcile the amazing times we had with the sudden silence and stilted conversation if we do talk.

We always said, you always said, that the friendship would always be there. That it would never be in jeopardy.

I just want the best for him and I wish him every happiness.

I just find being shut out hurtful, especially when it's just a couple of lines tapering off into silence.

It hurts me very deeply because it's so far removed from even three weeks or a month ago. But I thought we both knew this was on the cards - indeed, that was your whole reason for breaking it off as I understand it.

But I'll take a deep breath and I'll just get on with it.

I haven't slept in days.

Everything is happening.

I'm so tired! But it's been good to get out and about and see peeps. This week has been non-stop.

Phil had his birthday picnic on Thursday, I dropped in briefly with Bec to say hello. It was good to see him again! We caught up on Monday as well, which was nice.

Tuesday I went into class and then Jay and I hit the tav for "a drink"... except then it was lots of drinks and I went to work a little tiddled which was naughty... no more Tav Tuesdays, it's not a good look.

Wednesday same deal, except for the fact there was no work so we stayed til close, then Sarah and I went back to his place for the Matrix and I ended up staying because it was really late.

Thursday I had work til 7.30 as per usual after two and a half hours sleep (sigh). Then I went to the tav, no Alex but Jay went instead, Belle was there of course and Drew. Keith the crazy indian guy was there as well and there was a bloke I recognised but I don't know his name. Then we ended up all going out til half 3 again, then I was dropping Jay home and ended up couch surfing again.

Drew called me after scouts on Friday and asked me to meet him for a drink. I was supposed to be towing a car for Rob but then he didn't need me so I figured why not. So several drinks, one drugs bust by the cops and one massive fight with his conspiracy theorist friend later, I ended up crashing there for the night. He gave me the bed and slept on the couch (his mate was in the same room and tensions were simmering so it was that or I went home) and then I woke up in the morning and he was in the bed too... except he couldn't remember any of the night before and couldn't work out why I was there. It was a little awks but all good once I explained that nothing had happened, my personal space was just apparently meaningless to him lol.

Today was Omi's 89th and Jesse's toga party, that was cool. There was nobody else there I knew and I was dead on my feet so I only stayed a couple hours. Still, it was great to see him!

Tonight I get to sleep in my own bed for the first time since Wednesday night. I miss my bed! It's the best, now for everything I do since its drawbacks seem a little removed from my actual uses for it,

Tomorrow I take Kaz to work for 7am (sigh, so early...) and I have a movie marathon tomorrow night, which means more couchsurfing!

We'll see what else my week holds, but I'm sure it'll be good.

I just miss my bed lol.

Made a couple of friends recently, reconnected with a couple too.

Spent yesterday arvo with Jay, Sarah and Stanley. Sarah and I went back to Jay's when the tav closed for a matrix marathon.

I was really grateful for the company and the fun.

Then Sarah went home. I ended up crashing because it was half 3 before the trilogy was done.

I was having a great time, we chatted, ate, bagged out the matrix... Then he held my hand while we were sitting on the couch.

I pulled away and he didn't try again.

I just wish people would just be happy to hang out.
I wish I didn't have to feel constantly on my guard.
I wish I didn't have to say no, because I wish nobody was asking the question.

Is it ironic that I'm still turning people down left right and centre, but can't even get somebody I actually want to spend time with to talk to me?

I just want a mate.

Saw Phil and Caris this arvo. So good to see them! Gotta catch up again soon :)

I couldn't sleep last night.

I don't mean that I tossed and turned, or slept fitfully. I mean that I could not unwind, I could not settle, and when I closed my eyes horrible pictures made me open them again.

I saw John at the shops on Sunday, and behind my eyes I see him smiling smugly. He is exactly the same as he was. The same hairdo, the same clothes, he walks the same way. I'll never forget that gait - so distinctive. For years I used to get shaky if I saw a man walking like that from a distance.

It will pass.

I tried to talk to Phillip about it today, about John, but then the bus came and I don't think he really remembers who I was talking about anyway. So I left it.

So I'm now on hour 38 of my day and I still can't sleep.

On the plus side, I got a bunch of essay done after about 5am this morning.

Also, that film commentary, the one supposed to cost me over 30%... I got the grade back. 74%.

I just want to have a chat.
I just want to be open about who I am, where I have come from and what I'm hoping for and afraid of.

He's the first person to have seen all of me, past and present. The first person I've trusted with that.

And I would be ecstatic to just say hello.

Issues don't resolve themselves, but not all issues are ones I have the power to resolve.

I had to accept a while ago now that the ball wasn't in my court.

All I can do is be patient and hope we reach a point where we can resolve this between us and enjoy each others company.

And I will be patient even though I find it difficult sometimes.

I will wait for as long as it takes.

I just hope it doesn't take too long.

There will be teething problems but they'll only ever be overcome by talking and spending time.
That's partially why I was looking forward to the concert - the object of interest is something divorced entirely from the people involved in it. No conversation, no awkward, both people focusing on something other than each other. In each others presence, but paying attention to something else.

There'll be something else another time if he doesn't change his mind. It's two weeks away. I don't expect he will.
I was very surprised when he said he was still interested in coming after our last meeting. I did suspect it might change.

I even said, please don't say yes and then tack "I think" on the end because all it says to me is no. Good to see my spidey senses are still on the money.

There'll be something else, another time.

I'm disappointed but I'm not surprised.
I don't think this will help but it's not up to me.
I want to talk, he doesn't. We can't both get what we want. It isn't possible.

So I'll wait. And in the meantime I'll carry on with all the other stuff going on and we'll see what happens.

He knows where I am and that I want to pursue the friendship.
There's nothing more for me to do.

What did I do?

What do I do?

I don't want to lose this friendship.

I'm so disappointed about the concert, but there's nothing to be done.

I was looking forward to catching up in a setting removed from everything else that's happened, and having some fun.

Another time, I guess.

When I saw those first few messages I felt like I was going to be sick.
I knew that this was going to be the case. Silence is never a good sign, with him.

Nothing I can do, I guess. Sit and wait and see.
I miss hanging out and chatting about stuff.

I just want everything to go back to normal. This idea that I have to deliberately keep my distance is so alien to that concept that I have to keep forcing myself to respect it.
But I have done so, and I will continue to do so.

It's unfortunate that my response to this sort of stress is to try and talk to the person involved about it, while his response is to keep his distance. They're both equally valid, just unfortunately mutually incompatible.

All I can do is be here for when he decides to talk to me. It hurts to stay away, but I'll respect what I've been told because that's what one does.

All I want is my friend back.

All I want is for everything to go back to the way it was.
As soon as possible.

I expect there to be teething problems, it's an adjustment like any other. But adjustments don't make themselves. For me I just want to jump back into it and get back into the groove of the friendship prior to the events of this year. Not to forget them or ignore them, but to accept that they aren't in our present or the future.

I'll wait, no matter how it makes me feel.

He knows where I am, and that I will always be here. I don't have to talk.

Just to catch up and do whatever.

I just want it to go back to normal.

Just saw John. He walked past me at the shops.
So close I could have touched him.

He didn't see me.

I can't stop shaking. Can't breathe.

Oh my god I can't believe I've seen him after all these years and he's still swaggering around like he owns the place

Went out for dinner with my parents tonight - no reason, I just suggested it and we went. Can't remember the last time we did that, and it was nice.

Kind of feeling the itch to be social. Trying to tee up stuff with people but everybody is pretty flat out at the minute with uni and such, myself included.

I would like to get back to normal regarding chats and catchups and whatnot.

Kind of wondering how long to leave it. I'll leave it til I'm contacted, I guess? I'm not entirely sure what the done thing is here.
For myself, I'm over it. Knew it was coming, it came. Dealt with it. All good.

Back to the grind.

Drew asked me to meet him today because he was feeling down, said he'd let me know when he was free and then ignored me til 4, when he said he was going out tonight and would let me know his plans in case I wanted to join, then I didn't hear from him again.
He seems like a nice guy, and I feel that he just wants to catch up and be mates so I'm glad to meet up and stuff.

God, it makes me feel so vain and self-absorbed to consider catching up with people based on whether there's subtext involved. Is that vain? I mean it's not like I *expect* people to be, that's not it, it's just so annoying and hurtful to find out people want something from you when all you wanted was to chat. Better to consider it beforehand than to be disappointed after catching up and finding out you were on different pages.
Biggest downside to being single is that a lot more of that sort of thing goes on.

I plan to be single for a long time now. Better that way.
I don't plan on any close encounters either.
Time for me to live inside my head and spring clean with no distractions.

But yeah, Drew seems nice. I'm sorry he's feeling down. I wonder why he's talking to me about it, I'm virtually a stranger, one he met in a bar at that. Maybe that's it, the anonymity of it - it's remarkably easy to talk to an interested stranger as opposed to a friend sometimes.
Always happy to have more friends though, especially now.

God I want to watch an episode of Fringe. Maybe next weekend we can work something out - I can go over there if catching up here is a problem. Something to consider, anyway. I want to know what happens next and it's nice to have a "thing" that's shared with someone.

Found out I can move into my new place between the 7th and the 10th of October - that means over my birthday. Woopdedoo. Definitely hiring a van, maybe movers depending on the price. I'm SO OVER packing my shit in and out of trailers. Drove my parents past the place tonight as it was on our way to the restaurant - they seemed to think it looked good from the outside at least.

So aside from assignments, everything seems to be humming along nicely.

I still need to sort out applications and TISC if I need to go through it. I'd better get my shit together on that front as I'm not holding my breath for help the way things have been going.

Things to do, things to do.

I just want everything to go back to normal.

I don't want to be mad at my friends when they do insensitive things drunk.

I don't want to be anxious about my hobby.

I just want to watch some Fringe, have a chat and a cuppa, and go back to normal.
Not wonder when enough time has gone by to be able to hold a conversation.

Just want to put it all behind me, take a deep breath and continue on as if nothing ever happened.

Sooner the better, because it's all good. And tiptoeing around it just makes me nervous.

Treating it like it's gonna be weird is just gonna make it weirder than it is.

I'm good.
I've had a sook, I've nearly had seven shades of shit beaten out of me and I've had a blue with a friend, I think that satisfies all the prerequisites.

Had a great little chat with Anna the other day, and she's really great. I wish I saw more of her.

I don't want anything more to be different and strange, there's enough strange and stressful going around with Scouts without adding to it.

Just want it to all go back to normal now.

Okay so that can probably take the cake for worst night of the year, and I thought there was some competition for that last week.

I am so angry at Belle. I saw the post and the pictures, and I commented on the feed, and told her in person to leave it be.

I had to ask her again to remove individual comments which were SO OUT OF LINE it still makes me angry now.

I had a good night up until that.

I had a five minute sook, FIVE MINUTES, in which SHE cried, and we all sat in respectful silence and agreed that sometimes things are hard. That was it.

There was no need to go broadcasting a LIE on facebook to the world, my business is my business and if my business is going to be sent online I'd rather it be my actual business and not some perverted attempt to make someone important to me that she's never met feel bad.
If I wanted that then that'd be my lookout. I don't and guess what, it's still my lookout.

No bar next week.

And then that guy. That drunk guy.

He was going to hurt me.

I'm used to people being drunk and flirty, and I'm used to people being drunk and mouthy. Drunk and physically violent though... he was actually going to hurt me if that bartender hadn't come when he did.

He called me a whore and said it was no wonder I was unhappy, and that my greatest achievement in life would be an abortion. He said a lot of things.

I have friends that have killed themselves over people like that.
Over being told things like that.

And now scouts tonight is an extra hour long... it goes til 10pm now. 10pm! Nobody bothered to ask what I thought about that, I just got told. Words will be had about that.
I was trying to avoid having words at all.

And there are three assignments due now. I can't focus very well.

It's going to be a long night, and an even longer weekend.

I am so angry, and stressed, and hurt.
Fucking Belle, I don't want anything to do with her right now.

It's nobody else's business and I go out of my way to keep it to myself, and make it clear it's nobody else's business.
I mean... FACEBOOK? Fuck.

One wish

If I had one wish right now, only one.

I would wish that we could save our memories like photos, and that they would never get lost or disappear with age.

I would print one memory and I would save it and look at it when I was sad.

I would remember the sunrise breaking over the river near my house where we had our first kiss.

I would remember the cold air as we had that first, clumsy embrace.

I would remember the exhilaration I felt.

I would remember the beauty, the quiet.

I would remember the mist in the air.

I would remember the feel of his lips on mine for the first time.

I would save that in a photo, and I would keep it close.

And it would always be a source of quiet pleasure, that moment shared only by us.

It would make me smile.

And I would never lose it, and it would never fade away.

I have to move out. Everything here has a memory.

It's time for somewhere new.

I gave my notice to Kaz.

She was noticeably more understanding this time round.

I'm not surprised, I knew it was coming.
I'm just sad.

Time for a change of scenery. Time to uproot and make a life somewhere else.

Time to change the things that need to be changed, in order to keep the things that I hope never to lose.

I can't say I'm surprised.

I knew this was a long time coming.

I'm sad, of course I'm sad.

Apart from the fact that it's not nice to be told that you're not wanted any more, and to see a good thing end, to have loved and lost sometimes feels like it's a step down from never having loved at all.

But I know this is the right call to make, the right decision, and the best for both of us.

He'll always have a place in my heart but it's the friendship I value. If the rest gets in the way of the friendship, then that's what has to go.

I'm grieving for something that brought me a lot of joy, comfort and good memories. That's all they are now though, memories. It's okay to feel sad about that.

I opened my heart and I knew that sooner or later that it would be painful. I wasn't expecting the when or the how, but I knew eventually...

This time we ended on good terms, as equals, and this is how it should have ended to begin with.

Now a change of scenery, some time to be alone and yet not alone, and to understand that although this time it hasn't worked out, the only way to live is to follow your heart til it bleeds.

He worked hard and was so patient with me, to scale the walls, dismantle them brick by brick, to earn my trust and my love. That this time it didn't work out doesn't mean that it can't ever work out, it just means that it can happen again.

But maybe next time circumstances won't conspire as they have, personalities won't conflict as they did.

I felt alive when he was in bed with me, and I felt safe as I lay in his arms. I felt happy when he looked at me.

But that happiness didn't stem from romance, it stemmed from trust and affection. Neither of those things are in short supply, although I kind of feel sometimes they ought to be.
There are other ways to be affectionate.

I wasn't looking for forever, and I'm still not.

There's enough going on for me besides this.

I'm sad, but I'm okay.

This is how it was always going to end and I knew that. I knew all this week that this talk was coming. I'm glad it finally has.
I would have liked longer but of course that's just not how it works out, sometimes.

I will miss his touch, and I'll miss the way he holds me. Held me.

And I'll learn from this. That it can be okay to let someone in, but to be prepared for it to go south. To love is to make yourself vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable, but I let myself be because I trusted him.
Maybe that's not a bad thing, even though it didn't work out.

There's no date on this, but I wrote it months ago, when we were first talking about whether or not we should date, and I was unsure and conflicted because I was worried about getting hurt.

I chose then not to keep the world at arm's length. I chose to follow my heart til it bled. I made that choice again, and again.
I can watch the sunrise alone.

He asked me if it was a net negative.
I cherish ever minute, every moment, every memory.
I would never change a thing, except to be more tender, and to tell him one last time what it all meant.
To say thankyou.
To kiss him on the cheek and squeeze his hand and say thankyou.

I am proud to call him my friend, and I will be for as long as I am allowed to do so.

Ouch

Well that hurt.
That hurts.

I know part of this whole deal is that I kind of have to be cool and detached and I'm not really allowed to complain or anything but that stings.

I thought the point was that no matter what, we were friends first and foremost and we may or may not have sex also, IN ADDITION to that friendship.

I didn't expect that a gig we'd already agreed to go to would be turned down because "it might be awkward... because we're broken up". Gee, in case I'd forgotten when I reminded you?
My money is that it's not as awkward as boning your ex but hey, that's different.

Is it only okay for us to see each other behind closed doors or when it's conveniently on the way to or from home or work?
Is my friendship limited to having sex and giving a lift home?

Is that all I am?
Free sex and chauffeur on the side?
And the friendship is just sort of an addendum to that?

It was excuse after excuse.
Haven't heard the music... It's a bit awkward... It's so far into the future (Oh wait, is THAT the time!?)... Should be fine, I think.

I'm stung that you can invite yourself around for the night but the thought of organising to go out in public is too much.
Am I that embarrassing that you don't want to be seen with me?

You've been distant and standoffish the last couple days. I've noticed.

If you don't want to talk to me, I'd much rather you just frigging said so.
If you don't want to see me, man up and tell me that. Face to face is ideal but I'll accept a call.

Why is having sex and having "our" shows to watch and going out for lunch or a movie spontaneously okay, but buying tickets "might be awkward"?

No need to remind me we've broken up. I know.

Part of being friends is making plans and doing things though. Why is seeing me for hours at a time and sleeping next to me fine but going out isn't?
Is that all I am? Cheap lay?

I know I'm not allowed to feel anything any more, and I know I'm not allowed to complain. I can't say any of these things if I want to keep seeing you because that's against the rules. Gotta be cool.

But that was douchey and it makes me feel like dirt.
Friends get to go out too, right?

I didn't cut you out of my life. I still invite you to things with my friends because I count you as one of them. I don't expect the same from you but I didn't expect a total stratification either.

I'm overreacting. This is one thing. We go out to the movies and lunch about once a week. But it's always just us and always spontaneous. I always fit in with your plans. We don't make plans, we fill in time.
What's wrong with group stuff?

What's wrong with planning to go somewhere?
Are you worried I'll view it as a date? Because when you consider that we've been sleeping together it kinda seems like the concert should be the least of your worries, you know?

I know that none of this was intentional. But it was your first reaction and therefore an honest one.

I know I'm not allowed to say anything, but that hurts. It cuts me to the bone.

I'll get over it, I know it wasn't intentional. But I am starting to wonder where exactly I stand in the friendship food chain.

Isolated

I just want to talk :(

Need to talk about it. Get it out so I can see it. Not have to internalise it because I have no alternative.

I just want to talk :(

It's like super late and I'm not tireddddd

Nor do I feel like I'm drunk but I know I must be from how long it took me to write this sentence properly.

I had more to drink than I've had in forever!

I have a class at 10 tomorrow I am so gonna regret this.

Okay from THIS POINT onwards I'm not gonna backspace not even once,

I had a lot f fun tonight. Belle is a blast!

We're gonna try meet up on Thursdays on the reg. She;s gonna teach me nhow to plat pool because I such (sic: suck)

I tll you what tonight was seriously sfucking life affirming. So many guys. She had most of the attention because she was in a miniskirt (with might I add no undies) whereas I was just chillin in a tshit and jeans.

But there was this one guy, Simon, must have been in his fiftiees, approached us first and was all like "Hey girls I'm not being creepy and I'm not trying to pick you up (is it me or should you not need to say that) but I'm just trying to kkill half n hours and you girls are really funny and beautiful, will youplay pool with me,:"
And I was liike "aw no sorry bud I don't plat pool but I will referree and keep score!"
And Belle was like "yeah okay why not"

AND SO BEGAN THE NIGHT

Then this ther couple walked in and the woman was smashed off her face and the guy was HUGE. And se was all yelling at Belle like calling her a slut and said she was a prostiture and a transvestite and then the guy walked over and was like "what's the problem over here?" and I was like "I don't know man, what is the probkem over here?" and then e was like "nah we cool and gave me this handsake that was si tight I swear I felt the bonds crunch n my hand. And then he told her to sht the fuck up.

And then Belle was playing pool and sh totally beat that simon guy but she wfollowed the 8 bball with the white ball so he totally wom.

And then the other dude the big guy with the lady got into this fight with some other guy who was talking to his missus, pretty innocently I might add, and told him to fuck off

And then he asked Belle to play pool and he TOTALLY pantsed her. She sunk two balls but it was more or less a walk over.

And ten these other guys were there and they were young guys. And one of them came over and ust jlike sat at our table and was like "so I punched a wall today" and I was like "well you sound like an idiont"

And he was called Drew and he seemd cool and we chatted. And the other guys kespt coming back to our table and cahatting. They more or less left me alone because I think they could see I wasn't playing but

I don't think I've been called attractive
and beatiful
and stunning
and gorgeous
so much by strangers IN MY LIFE

The big guy (no idea where is missus fucked off to) came over and gae me a couple more bone runching andshakes and was like "ou have the tost eautiful smile" and I was like thanks man

And then there was this indian guy who was spouting rte... fuck I can't keep doing this these typos are killing me

This guy was spouting this hell spiritual bullshit and he ended up walking us to Belle's car.

So this Simon guy (first dude, fifties) was all like "You're my wife now" to Belle and it was like umm
and then he was like "Look I do the laundry and I iron like a pro, my ironing is absolutely brilliant and I'm a magnificent lover" omg

And then the big guy came over and I was just like ummm
And then he was just like "you guys are so beautiful I just wanted you to know"

And then we were talking to this Drew guy and he kept saying I was cool and I was like shit man you don't even know me. Nobody says that about me.

And then it was like 12:30 and there was me and Belle and this Drew guy and his mate Kale (like the plant??) and the indian guy out the front smoking ecigs

And Drew kept trying to look up Belle's skirt/feel if she had undies on. She didn't but she didn't seem to mind so all good I spose?
I think she gave him our number but he seemed okay. Apparently we're biffles or something now.

Anyway so many nice things said by happy drunk people.

And the indian guy walked us to the car which was over the road.

Aaaaand yeah that's my night.

I have a class at 10am tomorrow omg I hate myself.
SO AWAKE.

Best tipsy sex ever would happen right now.
Best. Ever.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

IS OKAY
GOOD TIMES WERE HAD

Would have liked a guy there at times but at the same time I don't know if it would have all happened were that the case. Then again that Drew kid invited himself over for a couple hours and the older guys kept coming back soooo maybe it would have?

ANYWAY thats my night!

Going to my mum's

Feeling bluh

It's starting to lift again though.
Not long now I hope

Seeing people always snaps the funk

So glad dad isn't around.
Wish he'd move away and stay there

So jealous of people who get to see their parents separately all the time.

Which makes me THE WORST PERSON

Ah well I can wear that.

I see belle tomorrow night!

Still no idea what to do about Friday.
I don't want to go.

I should call and tell them that.

Tomorrow morning I will.

Sigh

I just want the best.

I just want to do something.

That's not for me to do.

I show I care by doing things. That's part of what I do. I don't like that I can't.

But it's not for me. Not any more.

I can't find anyone who's free tonight, not now. I might go to my mum's.

I don't want to be alone here right now.

I don't want to be in my head by myself.

I want to be good for something.
I want to feel better by making someone else feel better somehow.

This last couple days have been hard.

I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I can't concentrate.

Need some company but I told everyone I was probably busy.

I'm okay, I've just been down. I'm not sure I'm down about anything in particular. Just been feeling weird.

I need to talk to someone.

I don't like feeling afraid of shadows.

I just want to forget by being something useful for somebody.

But nobody needs me. I try and be good. I try and be my best. I try and help where I can.
But there's nobody to help and nowhere to go.
Stuck in my head and these dreams don't leave me alone even when I'm awake.

I just want someone to talk to but the friend I talked to has gotten weird. It makes my skin crawl.
Everybody is busy.

I get by but I look forward to relief.

That CREEP made a rape joke...

I didn't like him but I put it down to lads on the mines.

That's not funny. That's not cool.

A female teacher in the US is facing rape charges after having sex with a 15 year old student... and he reposts it with the caption "Nice!!!" ?????

It's NOT NICE!

Would it be "nice" if it was a male teacher and female student, or would that be wrong?
Oh, I suppose rape is only rape if it's a female victim.

You don't wish that shit on ANYONE.

A child can't give consent.
Not shouldn't. CANNOT. Incapable.

That someone has violated a child, in the course of their employment no less, is not cause for backslapping and guffaws.

The kid may have thought he wanted it at the time. Irrelevant. The law is clear. Morals and ethics are clear.

It's not okay.

I'm lucky he didn't come out with this shit on Contiki or I would have punched him right in his smarmy face.
Although I'm pretty sure if he said it on Contiki Jake would have realised what was about to happen and intervened and talked him down. He knows why it makes me angry.

Why it should make ANYONE angry.

Fucking Jono, I hope I don't see him again.

Piece of shit attitude. I've had it.

Well that was awkward

Well aware of how it looked when the tracking page came onscreen.

Awwwwkward. Worst part is I have actually had traffic from elsewhere I wanted to check up on. The stuff that was from overseas I'm intrigued by, but I'm kind of worried by the traffic coming in via Macs... I know who's logging on from a Mac and it's someone I'd rather not deal with.
The data is from between the 12th and the 19th of August which means he's reading it currently, presently. But I don't know when exactly.

What I do know is that the overseas traffic has been dropping off my stats - lost another country today.
Which means it doesn't store the info indefinitely, although I can't tell how long for. Which means the mac readings have to be relatively recent and ongoing or they wouldn't still show up...

ugh I don't care. As long as he doesn't contact me I don't have a lot to worry about.

I had a nightmare about him last night.
I haven't been sleeping right.

I'm worried about getting a call or a visit.
It makes me nervous and it makes it hard to sleep.

I'm applying for another house today!
Can only hope it goes better than last time. It can't go worse lol.

ugh I'm so anxious about this. I can't eat or sleep :(
I took a break from the page to see if the hits would drop off but they haven't seemed to.
Nothing to do but take a deep breath and ignore it.

On another note my body realised it's been a few days and wants me to fix it. Sorry body, gotta wait.
Nice to be back in the zone though I gotta say!

Did a big clean today.
Feels good man!
Just gotta drop down that application and I'm good to go.

Meeting up with Belle Thursday night hopefully, she said something about going out Saturday too so we'll see what happens there. If not Mel wanted to go out as well so we'll see what comes of it. Maybe I'll have other plans or just decide to stay in instead. Who knows?
Phillip I don't even know... Friday perhaps.
He made another weird comment. It makes my skin crawl, I don't like it. I don't want to be a wet blanket but I'd like it to stop. Not sure how to bring that up without making a big deal of it. I'll worry about it when I see him.

You know, I don't for a second think this is deliberate.
I've been as gracious as I can be and I hope I've done okay.
I hope I've conducted myself okay.
I hope I haven't been pushy or sulky.

It's just hard that it has been so good, as weird as that is.

I'll get used to it in time.

For the minute it's just difficult to wrap my brain around.

I really appreciate that we've talked about this.

I'm trying really hard to separate how I feel about this from being stressy about the housing thing and the scouting thing.
And I think I'm doing okay.

I am doing okay.

It's confusing and I miss him but I understand and I'm okay.

I just hope I've been okay in the way I've acted.
I hope I haven't done anything wrong.

Everything is confusing and I know that's going to be the case for a little while until everything settles down.

I miss talking though. Like properly talking. It'd be nice to see him sometime soon, in whatever capacity.

Bluh.

I can't wait to be off work next week. Maybe then :)

Still really stoked.

Also mad frustrated. You'd think getting laid a couple of times would take the edge off; apparently not lol.
Not sure what's gonna happen into the future.

Hope it keeps up because this is ace.

Probably best to keep step back a little at this point so we can both get our heads screwed on right.

I'm super, super glad it's not awkward or stilted though. It's nice to feel like nothing's changed on that level.

In other news I applied for a house today! Only one other lady at the inspection so depending on whether they get many other applications it may be a 50/50 split between us.
This whole debacle may be sorted sooner than I expected.

Still not sure what to do about scouts.
Maybe I'll leave for now. I can always join another troop if that's what I feel like doing down the line. Hampton is my home though, another troop feels wrong.
Ugh. Have to decide prior to Friday.

I'm glad it's not weird.
Everything hurts but in the best way possible which makes a pleasant change. It's a good shock to my body.

Next week I've no work (except maybe Wednesday) so with any luck he might be free sometime to hang out. Maybe not, who knows? All I know is my body has pricked its ears to the sound of pleasure. God.
That first time aaaa.

loving life right now.

It's amazing what a good couple of nights will do! :)

Feel great :D

I'm happy and I'm sad.

I'm happy because I finally got my cuddles, my kisses, my laughs.
Got to sleep beside him again. Got to see his face in the morning.
Got to feel him against my skin.

I'm sad because I have to accept that something beautiful is over.
The odds were always overwhelmingly that we weren't going to be forever, but then again neither of us was looking for forever. I knew it was over but as long as I didn't know for sure I could still hope.

If I get to keep the friendship, and maybe some sex thrown in there too, then I'll be okay.

The friendship is what I value and the sex is great.

I'm sad because I was so happy. I can still be happy and I am, but it's still a loss to grieve.

Perhaps in a month I'll thank him. Perhaps in a month we revisit this conversation.

All I know for sure right now is this is the reality and the reality I must and will accept.

I remember what it was like when I wanted to end something and the other person didn't respect my ability to make that call.
I'm not going to be that person. I respect him too much to push for it. I'm not sure I would want to anyway.

I wouldn't want to pick up where we left off. I know and he knows that the way it ended, everything that went down, was not okay. But in a way, to want to pick up where we left off sends the message that it was. It makes me a doormat.

I look forward, not backward. But I don't forget the past as I move into the future.

I'm not okay with what happened but I understand the events leading up to it and why it happened. I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with him.

It'll take me some time to readjust to this new reality but I will.
I know where I stand now and I can deal with that.

I'm happy because I got to be with someone I enjoy being with. I'm happier still because I got to spend time with my friend for the first time in what feels like forever. I've missed that more than even I realised. It felt so good to hold a hand, to lie in bed and feel my skin on his, to kiss. The way he smiles makes me feel a million dollars. I missed that.

And that's not going away. The lying in bed part might but the laughter, the smiles, the conversation... made me remember why I spent time thinking about this person in the first place.

Not a second wasted, and not a second of regret.

Spending time together and (potential) casual sex is a pretty good deal. I'm definitely okay with that. The rest will follow naturally.

I see him again tomorrow. More chance to talk. More time to laugh.
I missed him so much and I feel a whole lot better for having seen him, even though the circumstances aren't ideal.

My only regret is that there isn't a single picture of us together. That blows.

I'm sad, but I'm okay. I'm happy.

okay so I was over the moon. Now I'm super conflicted.

This is exactly why I wanted to talk face to face. This facebook shite is confusing.

Looks like no relationship. But still mad sex drive? blughhh
So all the physical stuff is in, but the emotional is out? Or maybe we just didn't want open that can of worms over facebook directly after saying it was time to go to bed.

And we don't get to talk about that properly? I just get to sit with it all night.

I notice it was that he "likes" me a lot. Emotional distance there already. Could be conscious method of self-preservation, could be an attempt to stay away from emotive language, could be that actually feelings were overstated to begin with.
Could be me reading too much into something I didn't want to know yet.

I wanted this to be face to face because it wasn't before. I'm happy to talk but serious stuff... it has to wait until it can be discussed properly. Not behind a keyboard because it's easier. Specially not before bedtime.

None of this is easy.

People fight. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. And if it is, then I want to hear it directly, not somewhere that one of us can log off and then pretend like the other person isn't there any more.

I am happy. But I'm also conflicted and I just didn't want to talk about that end of things until we got to see each other. It's done now though.

And it's difficult. There's no right way to be doing this. It's hard for me and I'm sure that's mutual.
But enough has been misinterpreted and taken the wrong way and done with distance and cold technological precision. You can't log off from a human conversation and that's as it should be. The rest can be discussed properly, or not at all.

Okay Ash now shut up and go to bed.
Stop stressing, it's done now.
You'll see him soon and get it all worked out, one way or another you'll know where you stand and you can go from there.

aaaaa

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

I need help. I really, really do.

I need to sit with someone and cry about all this shit happening at once.

I need someone right now.

Timing is everything II

Okay so that just sunk in. Freaking out with stress right now. I looked at a place this arvo and it was so small for the price the guy was asking.

I don't know how I'm gonna do this.

And I have so much stuff now... too much for a share house, not enough for a house. And being boss of a house has a whole other set of challenges.

And tomorrow is Friday and I have to see Troy and I don't know what to do.
He messaged me on Tuesday. Asked when was a good time to call me. I responded that there isn't one.

I really need someone to talk to but there isn't anybody.

I don't know what to do. I hate that I have to do it alone. I hate that the one person I thought I could talk to isn't here and all my other friends are either chasing tail or busy. Is it so much to ask that people just put their shit to one side and hang out with another person without making it into something with strings attached??
I'm sick of this bullshit.

I've been chatting to Karen and trying to get a time sorted with Belle and Caris.

Scott keeps messaging me. Jake offered to share house with me and it makes me want to SCREAM. This is after I've told him that no, I don't want him to mow my lawn and no, he doesn't need to donate to me and install new car speakers. Why won't people just LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm not interested. I don't WANT anything. I'm in limbo. I'm grieving and I'm hoping all at once. I want to spend time with people and I want to talk, yeah. At least in a relationship those people just cut off contact altogether, or pulled their heads in. This is intolerable. The girls are all busy. I'm trying so hard to get a time with them but I can't find one. Even Phillip is being weird. PHILLIP.

And now I have to organise a house and move in a month?

I just want a friend. I want the person who I could always talk to about anything. I miss that. I miss feeling safe.

I don't know how I'm going to handle tomorrow or the rest.
I'm reaching out for support and either getting nothing, smut or flirting.
I just want people to listen.

I just want to talk.

I feel so alone. So overwhelmed. I need someone to slap me in the face and tell me it'll all be okay and to cut it out.

It's so frustrating trying to be social and finding people only angling for one thing. I'M. NOT. INTERESTED. Not in anything or anyone outside of my relationship and let's face it that's pretty up in the air so this is coming from a place of (possibly misguided) hope and loyalty as well as grieving.

You know before I even agreed to this whole relationship malarkey I had to reconcile the fact that I wasn't going to be playing the field.
In what kind of fucked up world do I have multiple guys dying at my feet while I yearn for exclusivity with someone who doesn't want me?
How is that fair?

Every time some comment is made it just reminds me that I can't have that with the person I want to. Every time they make a joke about me missing them or something they want to do all it does is remind me I lost my partner in crime on that front. It hurts every time.
And it's not an aphrodisiac.
I'm just. Not. Interested.

I'm in way over my head here. Wrapping my head around the relationship stuff is bad enough without my kick-out date being brought forward or people being total cunts all at the same time. Even Phillip for shitsake. It makes me so angry I want to cry.

I want my friend back. Relationship would be a bonus but I'll take what I can get at this point.

timing is everything

Just found out I have to be out of here by October because I'm not moving into Stratton, so they're selling up there to move to Beechboro permanently.

I was hoping for longer.

I'd move into Stratton if it was going to mean I was closer to the hills but that didn't seem relevant any more so there was no reason to say yes to the place.
I was hoping for longer to decide, to see what happened with the relationship.

Guess that's out now.

I was going to base where I moved to on a relationship.

Four assignments in September, I don't want to be moving then but I guess I have no choice now.

Ear to the ground and carry on.

Every time my phone goes off my heart skips a beat, but I know in my gut it's not the person I'd like to hear from.

I miss my friend.

I miss hanging out more than anything, and I miss laughing together.

I miss his touch and the sound of his voice.

It'll all be okay in the end.