Monday, 10 November 2014

Home

I'm really confused about what to do at home.

Jay and I get along like a house on fire. Aside from a couple of minor bumps in the road we have gotten along well, been close but not weird, shared the space but given each other room (for the most part) and generally things have hummed along.

So yesterday Jay called me at lunch to say he was going home sick, and could I come grab him. I was enjoying the time to myself but crook is crook so I jumped in the car on a 36.5° day and grabbed him.
When I got to Subiaco, he and Andy were sitting in the bench waiting for me.
No drama.

So I hop out of the car and sit on the bench with them. Now Andy I've met twice before - once in passing, once for a couple hours at the pub. So we know each other but I wouldn't call him a friend exactly.

We're sitting on the bench and the conversion somehow turns to Pirates of the Caribbean. Andy tells me he has them all on blu ray. I look suitably impressed. He says we should marathon. Jay agrees,  saying he's only seen the first one. Andy COMPLETELY ignores him and goes back to me. I ask Jay if he's coming, Andy again doesn't acknowledge this.

Now I agree that this is INCREDIBLY RUDE and totally unacceptable. No arguments. You don't want a person at a thing, you don't make plans in front of them. Especially not if it's something they'd like in on. Super simple stuff.

But after we get home, Andy starts messaging me finding out when I'm free etc. I don't think anything more of it beyond it being amusing till he messages me asking "should we ask Jay or just us?" Now Jay is my housemate so like either way he's going to know about it. He's also Andy's friend - much moreso than I. I ask Jay what he wants and he's annoyed that Andy doesn't just ask him directly. He kind of wants in but is annoyed at being blanked earlier and an apparent afterthought now.
I reply to Andy that I'm not sure if he's free/interested, and what does he think? Andy sends the following message:
"Not fussed. The fact that he's only seen the first one makes me say yes, but I don't know".

I relay this to Jay and at first he's surprised, amused and bemused in equal parts. But son this gives way to a lot of offence being taken, general anger and I suspect a little jealousy.
"He keeps saying he wants to hang out but I was THERE and he blanked me! He doesn't even KNOW you! I'm his friend, surely he should be asking me!"
"That was a dick move!"

So I'm thinking yes it was rude but he's your mate not your wife, he's also knocked back a fair few of Andy's catch up requests before, not that it excuses rudeness now. I agree that yes Andy was rude but maybe he just thought he'd see Jay another time? Jay gets madder and madder over this (perceived) slight and I now realise the reality of the position I'm in.

My housemate's friend has asked to hang out and been sneaky about it. My response was to tell Jay.
Jay is angry at his mate (but not me) for being sneaky and blanking him.
Housemate doesn't want me to see his mate without him out of butthurt. Also doesn't want me to go without him. Cites "feeling uncomfortable" (?).
So in short he won't come, but doesn't want me to go either.

I told him his problem with Andy is his problem with Andy and while I sympathise and yes it was rude it's not my business. HOWEVER I live with him and don't want to rock the boat. So I ask him what to do.

He says he'd rather I didn't go. I say that's fine and I'll tell Andy I can't make it - *on this occasion* - but that I wasn't prepared to lie about why. As it happens I DO want to go so no I'm not going to tell a fib to get out of it.

I don't like that I'm restricting my social life based on someone else's temper and comfort level but I live with Jay, barely know Andy and don't want dramas at home. So I'll not go THIS TIME but I'm not going to lie about it.

So Jay tells me to just go and he'll get over it.
Get over what?

I ask Jay if it's just the blanking/sneaky or if it's the fact that it's Andy, or me, or both.
He says it's a bit of both.
So catching up with Andy might never be okay, which doesn't sit well because nobody tells me who I can and can't see.

Now I like Andy. Blanking aside, be seems lovely the two times I've met him and Jay's only ever had praise from him til now. I would like to be his friend because he seems cool.

What on earth does Jay "feel uncomfortable" about anyway? I'm not his girlfriend. I'm his housemate. Andy's not his boyfriend. He's a work mate. What's to feel "uncomfortable" about?
I could get feeling left out, jealous, a little betrayed at the outside. But uncomfortable???

I don't know what to do.
Jay doesn't want me to talk to Andy about him and I don't want to interfere in their... thing... But I'm not going to lie about not going and apparently Jay doesn't want that either. He wants me to not go AND keep quiet on why.
He'd rather I went than tell Andy.

Well he can tell Andy himself, but I still don't know what to do :(

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