Weird

So I got a message from Ed last night asking if I was up for coming over to smoke his pipe. TOBACCO pipe. Tobacco pipe. Not a crack pipe, or the other kind.
There's nothing inherently unusual about this, except that he messaged me at 2:42am.

I kind of miss middle of the night callouts. It's nice to think that someone's thinking of you during the witching hour. I've no issues with popping round to a mate's in the middle of the night, I've asked people over at odd hours myself. It's just that the reason for doing so is usually down to either feeling very, very crappy or very, ah, pent up.

Last I heard, Ed is engaged. I also heard a rumour they're unhappy, although I hope it's unfounded. He's a lovely person and he deserves to be happy.

Maybe I'm reading too much into someone being awake and bored in the middle of the night. I definitely would have gone if I was awake to see the message and actually had today off instead of working a full one instead.
Either way, I'll probably see him tonight after I pick up my car (!) and grab some tea if I feel up to it.

On an unrelated note, I was saying to Jay the other day (obv before that happened) that I don't miss being a girlfriend and I don't see myself committing to a relationship anytime in the near future. But I do miss having someone look at me like I light up the room, and I miss the way  that person makes me feel. I miss kisses and cuddles and laying in bed with cum in my hair and laughing all the while.

I don't miss sex. I mean obviously I DO mix sex, duh. But I don't want to actually have sex though which is weird. Sometimes it's like my mind/body prods me and goes "uh, Ash? Ash? ASH?" and I'm kind of like well what do you want me to do about it? I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone. I miss the connection more than I miss the actions.

I miss being WANTED and I miss wanting the person who wants me. I miss that closeness but I don't want it with anyone and can't picture who I'd want it with anyway. It'd still feel like cheating if I got involved with someone. It'd feel wrong. I'm still adjusting and grieving. I feel like I'm only starting to now that we're talking. Before then there was no new input so there was no progress, no change.

I do miss being close with someone though. I just don't want to replace it with something crappier though. And I know that anything with anyone will be crappy. I don't want to go where I've been and I don't want anything else. I just want to feel that connection in a non physical, non sexual way and just not feel pent up either.
Yeah not sure that's gonna happen!

I just feel like I'm missing something but I guess that's all part of the process. Something I can deal with now that we're talking :)

Be nice to know what's up with Ed though!