These iron tablets make me feel awful. I'd take them with food, except that even the thought of food makes me want to be violently ill.

I'm glad I'm home alone tonight. Jay will probably be late home due to his work drinks thing.

I want to go out, I just feel too ill to do so.
I also feel too bored to sit at home.

I miss human contact.

Ed was really sweet when I was over there. I told him about Dash and a little about Jay and he gave me a big hug.

I haven't been held in a long while, it feels. Not by someone who owes me nothing and doesn't have to, but is being actively kind. I miss it.
Ed didn't want anything from me, just my company and a catch up, and he listened to everything and was very sweet. He put his arm around me as we watched tv and for the first time in months I was touched by a male and didn't feel like I needed to escape or scream. There was nothing behind it, it was just nice to be beside sometime who cares.

Is it wrong to miss that?

I didn't realise how unhappy I was until he put his arm around me and it struck me that I was happy not to be alone, to not only be in the room with someone but also feel in the moment.

I don't always feel comfortable here.
The company is a downside more than a perk sometimes. Not always. Not even most of the time. But lately more than usual.
And I am alone on so many levels.

I didn't feel alone. I did feel safe. You know what above all I think I felt respected. There was no agenda, no sexual anything. He made it clear I'd be in the couch and he'd be on the bed. He made damn sure he didn't act over familiar in any way and was really careful about any physical contact we did have.
I felt like he gave a damn how I felt and like I was important and how I felt was important. I felt like he CARED. And that was enough to make me happy.

I could talk to Ed about all of it, the things I don't tell anybody about because they won't get it or I don't want to be seen gossiping or whining or being petty. But his girlfriend/fiancee may be less enthused about the sort of thing that happened on Wednesday. Nothing happened. But idk. Maybe she's a bigger person than I am.
I've not met her yet.

I missed being held by someone offering only comfort. I missed cuddles. And now that I've been reminded of that, I don't know what to do.