I don't know what to do

I agreed to go out with Ricky tonight.

I don't want to date. I don't want to date. I don't want to date.
The thought at this point makes me feel PHYSICALLY ill.

I don't want to date. I don't want to meet anybody.
I don't want to get close to anybody.

My plan of attack at this point is to treat it like a hangout and if it comes up, or anything happens, to tell the truth.

The truth that I can't possibly enter into another relationship because I don't want one. I'm not ready for one. It wouldn't be fair to anybody involved. And I don't want anything else, either.

It makes me feel sick.

I feel sick.

I don't even KNOW this person. It's not like I'd be going out with, for argument sake, Andy, who I've met a few times and kind of know.
This is a stranger.

There's a few of my hangups at play here but ultimately, I do not want to go out with anybody. I don't want it. And I'm sick of people asking.

I'm not sure why I said yes. I don't know what I'm doing.

The thought of being with anybody else still makes me sick. I'm just not there yet. I don't know when I will be, but I'm sure when that time comes it'll smack me across the face and I'll feel ready.

But for as long as I feel like nobody else will ever be so good, make me laugh so much, be so kind and considerate, just get me, for as long as nobody else turns my head, that won't change.
Those things will fade with time, but not yet.

It will come with time and I don't see the point in forcing it. I will know when I'm ready because I'll be excited instead of nauseated.

I want to scream a little bit. I think I'm just scared of strangers, I'm scared of being trapped, I'm scared of being (physically) hurt, and I don't want to put myself in a situation where someone else wants something I don't. I'm sick of that. SICK OF IT.

I would rather go out with Andy than Ricky, because even though I'm mad at him, at least I know who it is I'm mad at. I know him, at least a little. I don't know anything about this man and he doesn't know anything about me. But he wants to go out, a lot apparently.
Why does that make me suspicious? Why does that make me guarded? Why does that scare me like it does?

Why wouldn't someone be interested? Why shouldn't they show it?
Is this just me?

Am I just crazy? Is this just me being scared because I feel chased, a little hunted? I feel my options closing off and I feel the corner I feel I'm being backed into. That terrifies me.

Jacob chased for what feels like months to try and get me to hang out, and eventually I did and I didn't regret a thing. I wanted it too. But this is different. This is inside a 24 hour period, and maybe it's just genuine earnestness and a real drive to see me but it makes me feel anxious.

I DON'T WANT THIS.

I wish people (guys) would just LEAVE ME ALONE. Let me do what I like as I decide I'm ready for it.
I know I'm single and people will ask. And why shouldn't they?
But I don't want it. Why is saying that not enough?
Why do people chase when it's the one thing that scares me to death?

Here's a thought, if I want to go out with someone and they've made their intentions clear, I'll just say yes if I want to as well.
Woah amirite.

I can't deal with this chasing.

I would rather see Andy and give him a piece of my mind than this. At least all he's doing is running his mouth.

What if he tries something?
What if he thinks because he's paying, he has the right?
What if he thinks it's tacit acceptance on my part?

I don't know what to do.

I'll go, and I'll hope to be proved wrong, and make a friend, but I really hope that's all it is.

I'm scared and that's why I have to go. To prove that I can. Not to have anything happen, not to do anything or lay foundations or even see if I want to, but to prove to myself that I can and bad things will not happen.
When I am ready I will know it.

But until then I can't allow the thought of people I don't know being scary to rule me.
I am not a victim and I will not be a victim.

I will go out and I will grab this by the horns, I will have a good time and I will hopefully make a friend. I will spell it out if I need to. Nobody will touch me.
But I will not run from the fact that this has been happening, this will continue to happen and I need to not have a panic attack when it does.

I'm single and people don't leave me alone when that's the case. I wish I was dating someone so it would go away. But I'm not and it won't.

Jacob and I aren't getting back together, that much as been made clear and to be honest as much as the idea appeals on one level, I know it's a bad one on another. I much prefer the current arrangement, I just wish I could use it to smash people over the head with when stuff like this/Andy/Jake happens. That'd be really sweet.

I just want to be left alone.

I want to have my sex on the side, which I quite enjoy thankyouverymuch, and have everyone just kind of shut up until I decide to stick my head back above the parapet. The sex has nothing to do with that, it's separate, I just kind of wish I could be like "yo, there is nothing you can do for me right now because exhibit A so kindly give it a rest unless you genuinely want a coffee and to talk about crap".

I am afraid, I feel sick, but it is nice to know that people do want to get to know me. I'm sure this Ricky is a genuinely nice person, he seemed to be last night. It's my own hangups scare the shit out of me when this happens.
I've also got enough hAndy's in my life at the moment so I'm sort of loathe to add another layer of boy complication to that mix. Like seriously do I need another penis in my life trying to make me do/say/feel things I don't want to do/say/feel?

I will go, I will stand my ground, I will enjoy myself, nothing bad will happen.
I'll be okay. And if it isn't, there is nobody who I don't trust who knows where I live so that's something, too.

I just wish that rather than a neon sign that said "single, give it a go" over my head there was a neon sign that says "don't bother, not interested unless you genuinely want a chat" because that would save me a lot of grief, I think.

Ugh, I feel ill. Guy had better not try anything or I'll cut him.