How I feel

Today, my doctor upped my dose of antidepressants by half.

It is exhausting to try and pour out your soul to somebody who is virtually a stranger. My doctor, Allison Stubbs, is wonderful and very kind. I trust her judgement and feel open with her,  but it is still a very difficult process to create treatment plans and discuss options.

I feel the distance between me and other people, the gaping void that separates me from them. But I am not sad, or afraid. Instead, I enjoy the quiet that comes with the peaceful notion that I am an island. That right now, nothing can touch me if I choose not to let it.

Can't wait to have a drink and get a little bent tonight. I know I will be quiet and still, and I know that chatter and annoyances will irritate me greatly. My best bet is to put on a movie and tune out the world.

I may be quiet, introspective, and still but I am perfectly happy in my own world for now, and I'm not looking forward to being pulled out of it by having to entertain other people. I'm not unhappy, I'm not sad or distressed in any way. Quite conversely, I am feeling totally at peace and like nothing can shake it.

Peace in all things.

Strawberries

Watching my strawberry patch at Anna's yield its first berry while helping Mikey make a train track outside.
Little Becca is napping for another hour or so, then I'll probably take them to a park now that its sunnier and the sky is clear.
Going to make an apple and raspberry cake with Mikey tomorrow - assuming, of course, mummy approves :)

The last few days have been fairly rough. Someone close to me has been going through a tough time, and I was the first line of defence.
I have been struggling to keep my head above water, and this has been compounded by the fact that I've been looking out for someone else, too. I am at the point now where I cannot keep doing it without a little respite. I offered to take Shane out for a meal as his birthday present, and he's decided to take me up on it over this weekend. Jacob is also free this weekend, and I'd really like to see him. I really need to get out of here and see other people for a little while - get a dose of the real word - but I feel very guilty about doing so. It feels like a betrayal, but it shouldn't do.

I know that the love that I give so freely will be returned to me, but I need a sign now. A sign that the time and the energy I'm investing in another person - someone who needs it - is not unacknowledged. That I am more than someone who has invested time and energy. I am someone who needs time and energy invested in her, too.
It makes me feel needy to even think it, but it's true.
Everyone needs to be held sometimes.

I'm not sure that I can continue being the person doing the holding if it feels that nobody notices how much I need to be held myself.

The worst part is that I know I am loved. I know that the person I have spent so much time with, and tried to be there for as much as possible, loves me. But I need help. Maybe the difference between us is that I am more prone to suffering silently rather than rock the boat. If someone else needs help I will do everything I can, and shelve my own needs. It can be a positive thing sometimes - it brings you out of yourself and can give a sense of perspective. But it doesn't help when it's happening all the time.

I want to rely on the people around me.
But I am not sure of the extent to which I can do so.

Musings on the Nature of Minorities

I'm a member - albeit arguably - of four minorities. Firstly, my identity as the "B" in LGBT community places me firmly and inarguably in the category of sexual minorities. I'm subject to and affected by all the anti-LGBT diatribe we all know and love from the community at large. Worse, being bisexual I cop flak from my own "side" (though I don't think there are any sides really, which I'm sure I'll talk about another time). So in addition to belonging to a sexual minority, I also can belong to a minority within that minority. Minorityception.
There is tremendous support for bisexuals in much of the GLBT scene which I don't want to discount, but that undercurrent of resentment from monosexuals both straight and gay seems to resonate toward bisexuals in particular. We - bisexual women particularly - are fetishised by straight males and made into sex objects. We are called easy, greedy, unreliable, confused. Lesbians are often hesitant to be in a relationship with a bisexual woman, sometimes believing that she will take the easy way out and settle down with a man eventually. That in a straight relationship you cannot and do not feel the weight of institutionalised homophobia or are somehow immune to all the negative aspects of being anything other than straight because you're so busy lapping up so-called "straight privilege".
These are generalisations and misconceptions, and they hurt. I struggle, and have struggled, with my own self-worth and I believe this anti-bisexual sentiment to be a key factor.

Secondly, I'm a sexual abuse survivor - sadly, on a number of occasions. I have difficulty ascertaining the true extent of the damage this has done to me because, in truth, it feels as though it has touched all aspects of my life. But the most trying thing day-to-day, I have noticed, are rape "jokes" and other things that make light of abuse. I also keenly feel it when names used to shame women about their bodies are used out of context. Calling women you don't know sluts, whores or dogs because you don't like how they look, or they cut you off on the road makes me feel uncomfortable and angry. These words are used to keep women down because they imply a judgement about a woman's moral worth based on her having free agency over her body. It is NOT the same as calling a man a bastard or a dickhead. These things do not imply moral corruption in the way that calling a woman a whore does. Calling a woman a whore doesn't just communicate that you disapprove of their actions, or don't like them very much. Instead, it communicates that they are morally corrupt for taking ownership of their bodies. To hear it used flippantly, in no relation to a woman's character beyond a glance from behind a car windshield, disgusts me.

Thirdly, and more arguably, I belong to the minority that is my gender. Sure, we make up half the world's population, so in that sense not a minority at all, but in terms of the power wielded we are sadly lacking. The social conditioning we are exposed to every day tells women awful things about themselves every day. It tells us that we need to make ourselves attractive in order to find a man, and if we lack sexual command or lack the desire to conform to the bar set by the media, we are worthless. They don't even have the decency to do this covertly, but explicitly. This is something I feel keenly. We are still left behind in so many ways. Feminism is not a dirty word, but it seems to be something that is downplayed by many.

Lastly, I have a mental illness. It seems kinda heavy when you put it like that, but that's what it is. I've struggled with depression for so many years, but it's been particularly bad this last eight months or so. Why? Why am I depressed? My parents are married, I'm nearly through with my degree, I was in a loving relationship and surrounded by friends - what could go wrong? I can only assume it's a combination of all of the above. For sure, it's a heavy load. I plan to update this with statistics later, but for now, goodnight.

Strength

What is courage? I have a theory. I don't think courage is about not being afraid. I think courage is being batshit terrified, but doing what you need to do anyway.

I'm batshit terrified right now. I'm sitting in the car watching the clock tick closer to 6pm, when I go to pick up Shane so we can go to dinner.
This terrifies me for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, I'm going out to dinner with Shane for the first time since we broke up. Last time I saw him, I made a gaffe, and Shane was annoyed. I'm not sure how he feels now, but I definitely hope there's no animosity. Its not the first or second time one of us has said something offensive or out of line, but we've always managed to move past it. Is this time different? I hope not.

Then there's the matter of me feeling like there are people I'm losing for a number of reasons. Going to see Shane will aggravate the situation, to what extent I do not know.
But I want to see him, and that is a good enough reason for me. I have spent too long pussy-footing around the needs of others to the detriment of my own. I cannot let the insecurities of others control my actions, yet I must also attempt to be sensitive to those triggers and not act unfairly.

I'm scared of making a mistake and losing a person - maybe even
multiple people - that I care about very, very much. But I have to follow my heart til it bleeds, and tonight it means dinner out.

Hopefully my path will grow clearer as the hours and days go on, so that no matter who is where at the end, everyone is happy and where they ought to be. This is my prayer and my aim.

Please, wish me luck and send me positivity, I am in dire need.

Don't leave me here.

They're pickin' up pieces of me, 
While they're pickin' up pieces of you.
In a bag you will be, before the day is over.
Were you looking for somewhere to be.
Or looking for someone to do.
Stupid me, to believe that I could trust in stupid you.
And on the back of my hand, 
Were, directions I could understand.
Now that old buzzard Johnny Walker, 
Has gone and ruined all our plans.
Our best-made plans.

Don't leave me here, to cast through time, 
Without a map, or road sign. 
Don't leave me here, my guiding light, 
'Cause I, I, wouldn't know where to begin.
I asked the Kings of Medicine. 

They're pickin' up pieces of me, 
While they're pickin' up pieces of you.
Lying on ice you will be before the day is over.
It's a case in point baby, 
That you never thought it through.
Stupid me, to believe I could depend on stupid you.
And on the tip of my tongue, 
Were, words that always came out all wrong.
'Cause they were drowned in Southern Comfort, 
Left to dry-out in the Sun, 
The noon-day Sun.

Don't leave me here, to cast through time, 
Without a map, or road sign. 
Don't leave me here, my guiding light, 
'Cause I, I, wouldn't know where to begin.
I asked the Kings of Medicine, 
But it seems that they've lost their powers.
Now all I'm left with is the hour.

Don't leave me here, to cast through time, 
Without a map, or road sign. 
Don't leave me here, my guiding light, 
'Cause I, I, wouldn't know where to begin.
I asked the Kings of Medicine, 
But it seems that they have lost their powers.
Now all I'm left with is the hour.

Don't leave me here, 
Don't leave me here,
I wouldn't know where to begin.