The last few days have been fairly rough. Someone close to me has been going through a tough time, and I was the first line of defence.
I have been struggling to keep my head above water, and this has been compounded by the fact that I've been looking out for someone else, too. I am at the point now where I cannot keep doing it without a little respite. I offered to take Shane out for a meal as his birthday present, and he's decided to take me up on it over this weekend. Jacob is also free this weekend, and I'd really like to see him. I really need to get out of here and see other people for a little while - get a dose of the real word - but I feel very guilty about doing so. It feels like a betrayal, but it shouldn't do.

I know that the love that I give so freely will be returned to me, but I need a sign now. A sign that the time and the energy I'm investing in another person - someone who needs it - is not unacknowledged. That I am more than someone who has invested time and energy. I am someone who needs time and energy invested in her, too.
It makes me feel needy to even think it, but it's true.
Everyone needs to be held sometimes.

I'm not sure that I can continue being the person doing the holding if it feels that nobody notices how much I need to be held myself.

The worst part is that I know I am loved. I know that the person I have spent so much time with, and tried to be there for as much as possible, loves me. But I need help. Maybe the difference between us is that I am more prone to suffering silently rather than rock the boat. If someone else needs help I will do everything I can, and shelve my own needs. It can be a positive thing sometimes - it brings you out of yourself and can give a sense of perspective. But it doesn't help when it's happening all the time.

I want to rely on the people around me.
But I am not sure of the extent to which I can do so.