These iron tablets make me feel awful. I'd take them with food, except that even the thought of food makes me want to be violently ill.

I'm glad I'm home alone tonight. Jay will probably be late home due to his work drinks thing.

I want to go out, I just feel too ill to do so.
I also feel too bored to sit at home.

I miss human contact.

Ed was really sweet when I was over there. I told him about Dash and a little about Jay and he gave me a big hug.

I haven't been held in a long while, it feels. Not by someone who owes me nothing and doesn't have to, but is being actively kind. I miss it.
Ed didn't want anything from me, just my company and a catch up, and he listened to everything and was very sweet. He put his arm around me as we watched tv and for the first time in months I was touched by a male and didn't feel like I needed to escape or scream. There was nothing behind it, it was just nice to be beside sometime who cares.

Is it wrong to miss that?

I didn't realise how unhappy I was until he put his arm around me and it struck me that I was happy not to be alone, to not only be in the room with someone but also feel in the moment.

I don't always feel comfortable here.
The company is a downside more than a perk sometimes. Not always. Not even most of the time. But lately more than usual.
And I am alone on so many levels.

I didn't feel alone. I did feel safe. You know what above all I think I felt respected. There was no agenda, no sexual anything. He made it clear I'd be in the couch and he'd be on the bed. He made damn sure he didn't act over familiar in any way and was really careful about any physical contact we did have.
I felt like he gave a damn how I felt and like I was important and how I felt was important. I felt like he CARED. And that was enough to make me happy.

I could talk to Ed about all of it, the things I don't tell anybody about because they won't get it or I don't want to be seen gossiping or whining or being petty. But his girlfriend/fiancee may be less enthused about the sort of thing that happened on Wednesday. Nothing happened. But idk. Maybe she's a bigger person than I am.
I've not met her yet.

I missed being held by someone offering only comfort. I missed cuddles. And now that I've been reminded of that, I don't know what to do.

Weird

So I got a message from Ed last night asking if I was up for coming over to smoke his pipe. TOBACCO pipe. Tobacco pipe. Not a crack pipe, or the other kind.
There's nothing inherently unusual about this, except that he messaged me at 2:42am.

I kind of miss middle of the night callouts. It's nice to think that someone's thinking of you during the witching hour. I've no issues with popping round to a mate's in the middle of the night, I've asked people over at odd hours myself. It's just that the reason for doing so is usually down to either feeling very, very crappy or very, ah, pent up.

Last I heard, Ed is engaged. I also heard a rumour they're unhappy, although I hope it's unfounded. He's a lovely person and he deserves to be happy.

Maybe I'm reading too much into someone being awake and bored in the middle of the night. I definitely would have gone if I was awake to see the message and actually had today off instead of working a full one instead.
Either way, I'll probably see him tonight after I pick up my car (!) and grab some tea if I feel up to it.

On an unrelated note, I was saying to Jay the other day (obv before that happened) that I don't miss being a girlfriend and I don't see myself committing to a relationship anytime in the near future. But I do miss having someone look at me like I light up the room, and I miss the way  that person makes me feel. I miss kisses and cuddles and laying in bed with cum in my hair and laughing all the while.

I don't miss sex. I mean obviously I DO mix sex, duh. But I don't want to actually have sex though which is weird. Sometimes it's like my mind/body prods me and goes "uh, Ash? Ash? ASH?" and I'm kind of like well what do you want me to do about it? I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone. I miss the connection more than I miss the actions.

I miss being WANTED and I miss wanting the person who wants me. I miss that closeness but I don't want it with anyone and can't picture who I'd want it with anyway. It'd still feel like cheating if I got involved with someone. It'd feel wrong. I'm still adjusting and grieving. I feel like I'm only starting to now that we're talking. Before then there was no new input so there was no progress, no change.

I do miss being close with someone though. I just don't want to replace it with something crappier though. And I know that anything with anyone will be crappy. I don't want to go where I've been and I don't want anything else. I just want to feel that connection in a non physical, non sexual way and just not feel pent up either.
Yeah not sure that's gonna happen!

I just feel like I'm missing something but I guess that's all part of the process. Something I can deal with now that we're talking :)

Be nice to know what's up with Ed though!

I don't know how to talk to him any more.
Am I going crazy?

He talks to me, asks me about my day, I tell him. I ask him and I get some variation of "sick" or "bored".

I ask about the house. I get an update it was sold. I ask what it's like. "I don't know". I ask if it's a similar size to the last one. "Yeah"

I just find it really hard to move forward in a conversation like that. I don't want to pry, that's not it. I just don't want to give more details about mine that are wanted, and I don't want to only talk about me. I'm interested in how he is and what's news.

I don't really know what I'm looking for, single word answers just make me feel like I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong but I don't think that's the vibe I should be getting.

On another note these iron tablets frigging hurt. My stomach is killing me but it's not toooooo bad. Should settle down in time I hope. Upping to two today, hope my body is ready lol. Only one way to know :/

Excited about this car. Gonna call mum and ask for a loan. They just bought a $40k caravan so with any luck they're in dosh lol

I need help.

Alone and depressed and don't know what to do.

Jays gone out to see his mate.

I need someone to talk to.

Belle's passed out drunk at home and nobody else is picking up.

So Jay has peeled himself off the ceiling, admitted he was overreacted but still seems to think it's a big deal.

I mean yeah, it was rude and tactless but it is hardly a big issue in the grand scheme of things.

And he was SO ANGRY.

Anger is so often the response of someone trying to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

He now wants to come to the thing "if I'm okay with it". So I'm still in charge of some covert operation, and he still won't talk to his mate about it.

Frankly I don't really want to hang out with Jay right now. Obviously we live together and see each other all the time, but he carried on like a two-bob watch, like a CHILD, and now he still expects like I want him there, like it's not even a question, after listening to all that. Like I'm not a little peeved at listening to him rant about something inconsequential. He knows it was inconsequential but got angry over it anyway.

I haven't heard from Andrew. We may hang this Friday, or maybe Monday, or maybe another time entirely. I don't know. I was going to suggest to Jay that seeing as he decided to abstain from the pub in deference to mine and others' mental health, maybe Andrew could come to that instead and that way avoid the pointy end of the issue. But he's decided (for now) that he'll be on his best behaviour and come for a couple of drinks and to apologise to Scotty. But still doesn't want to see Andrew (does want to come to the marathon though - so just making a point?)

We'll see what happens when I get home tonight. I think I'll suggest the pub as an equitable group thing to do and the marathon is between him and Andrew to sort out between them.
I suggest if he wants in then he should just ask but I'm not overly impressed because if we all go it'll be tense and that's not my idea of fun.

Home

I'm really confused about what to do at home.

Jay and I get along like a house on fire. Aside from a couple of minor bumps in the road we have gotten along well, been close but not weird, shared the space but given each other room (for the most part) and generally things have hummed along.

So yesterday Jay called me at lunch to say he was going home sick, and could I come grab him. I was enjoying the time to myself but crook is crook so I jumped in the car on a 36.5° day and grabbed him.
When I got to Subiaco, he and Andy were sitting in the bench waiting for me.
No drama.

So I hop out of the car and sit on the bench with them. Now Andy I've met twice before - once in passing, once for a couple hours at the pub. So we know each other but I wouldn't call him a friend exactly.

We're sitting on the bench and the conversion somehow turns to Pirates of the Caribbean. Andy tells me he has them all on blu ray. I look suitably impressed. He says we should marathon. Jay agrees,  saying he's only seen the first one. Andy COMPLETELY ignores him and goes back to me. I ask Jay if he's coming, Andy again doesn't acknowledge this.

Now I agree that this is INCREDIBLY RUDE and totally unacceptable. No arguments. You don't want a person at a thing, you don't make plans in front of them. Especially not if it's something they'd like in on. Super simple stuff.

But after we get home, Andy starts messaging me finding out when I'm free etc. I don't think anything more of it beyond it being amusing till he messages me asking "should we ask Jay or just us?" Now Jay is my housemate so like either way he's going to know about it. He's also Andy's friend - much moreso than I. I ask Jay what he wants and he's annoyed that Andy doesn't just ask him directly. He kind of wants in but is annoyed at being blanked earlier and an apparent afterthought now.
I reply to Andy that I'm not sure if he's free/interested, and what does he think? Andy sends the following message:
"Not fussed. The fact that he's only seen the first one makes me say yes, but I don't know".

I relay this to Jay and at first he's surprised, amused and bemused in equal parts. But son this gives way to a lot of offence being taken, general anger and I suspect a little jealousy.
"He keeps saying he wants to hang out but I was THERE and he blanked me! He doesn't even KNOW you! I'm his friend, surely he should be asking me!"
"That was a dick move!"

So I'm thinking yes it was rude but he's your mate not your wife, he's also knocked back a fair few of Andy's catch up requests before, not that it excuses rudeness now. I agree that yes Andy was rude but maybe he just thought he'd see Jay another time? Jay gets madder and madder over this (perceived) slight and I now realise the reality of the position I'm in.

My housemate's friend has asked to hang out and been sneaky about it. My response was to tell Jay.
Jay is angry at his mate (but not me) for being sneaky and blanking him.
Housemate doesn't want me to see his mate without him out of butthurt. Also doesn't want me to go without him. Cites "feeling uncomfortable" (?).
So in short he won't come, but doesn't want me to go either.

I told him his problem with Andy is his problem with Andy and while I sympathise and yes it was rude it's not my business. HOWEVER I live with him and don't want to rock the boat. So I ask him what to do.

He says he'd rather I didn't go. I say that's fine and I'll tell Andy I can't make it - *on this occasion* - but that I wasn't prepared to lie about why. As it happens I DO want to go so no I'm not going to tell a fib to get out of it.

I don't like that I'm restricting my social life based on someone else's temper and comfort level but I live with Jay, barely know Andy and don't want dramas at home. So I'll not go THIS TIME but I'm not going to lie about it.

So Jay tells me to just go and he'll get over it.
Get over what?

I ask Jay if it's just the blanking/sneaky or if it's the fact that it's Andy, or me, or both.
He says it's a bit of both.
So catching up with Andy might never be okay, which doesn't sit well because nobody tells me who I can and can't see.

Now I like Andy. Blanking aside, be seems lovely the two times I've met him and Jay's only ever had praise from him til now. I would like to be his friend because he seems cool.

What on earth does Jay "feel uncomfortable" about anyway? I'm not his girlfriend. I'm his housemate. Andy's not his boyfriend. He's a work mate. What's to feel "uncomfortable" about?
I could get feeling left out, jealous, a little betrayed at the outside. But uncomfortable???

I don't know what to do.
Jay doesn't want me to talk to Andy about him and I don't want to interfere in their... thing... But I'm not going to lie about not going and apparently Jay doesn't want that either. He wants me to not go AND keep quiet on why.
He'd rather I went than tell Andy.

Well he can tell Andy himself, but I still don't know what to do :(