What a night.

Half a bottle of straight rum. Straight. Rum.

A couple of ciders with dinner.

A Jim Beam and coke with Kaz before I left home.

How I was still standing is a freaking miracle, although I think I probably drank my bodyweight in water. NOT SO MUCH AS A HEADACHE. Fuck yeah!

I spent the ENTIRE night looking after Jay. Aaaaand all of this morning. He was still throwing up at 2pm. Had a hangover for both of us, looked like. Man, but was he hurting. I felt great, felt a little guilty about that though lol.

Fucking obstinate and belligerent. Drink some water Jay. Go to bed Jay. You can't even stand up, have a shower in the morning Jay. No, you may not go back downstairs to watch a movie, if you don't stack it on the way down you'll never make it back up again. Go to bed Jay. Drink some water, Jay. Go to sleep, Jay.

He fell on me and I cracked my head on the wall, whacked my elbow and foot pretty hard too.
Elbow is gone purple :( no concussion though luckily. Would you believe I actually checked the wall for blood to see if I cracked my head? Fell really, really hard. Took out a speaker on the way down too.

Still, it was a lot of fun, he doesn't remember any of it but I do... really hope he gets onto cleaning the sink because that's where I draw the line.

I'll fetch and carry water and I'll shove someone into bed but that's really the extent of it.

He doesn't remember any of it, at all (barely remembers dinner at 9pm) but there were some sweet chats in between the radiohead/youtube fest.
Said he didn't want to be another Corey/Michael/whoever. No hassles, no dramas, no tensions.

It's nice to just have a mate.

Sorted out that whole hand holding business, I don't have to worry about it.
Aaaaaaall good.

Got a hell of a message from Drew this morning though.
I don't know what he thinks he remembers happening but I'm willing to bet it's not what actually happened (given that nothing actually happened, but he was blackout drunk and obviously freaked out). Long and the short of the message was that he didn't want anything to happen between us. My response: good. Glad we got that straight then lol. Sweet. Sorted.

I'm glad I've managed to find some friends who I can have fun with.
Especially with everything else that's been going on.

Jay's been seeing some bird called Erin, sounds like he's pretty serious about her. He deserves it.

We had a long talk last night (which he now no longer recalls) about feeling hollow, empty, used. Feeling like nobody sees you for who you are and that if they do they won't like it and they'll leave and they'll never come back.
Feeling alone in this world and that you aren't living, you're just existing.

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John had a fall today. He's in hospital. Looks like he's probably going to go into a home.
So that happened.

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My cousin Kirsty has been diagnosed with Coeliac disease. Given it's genetic it's a good idea for me to get tested too. Would definitely explain a few things.

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Uni is making me supply a death notice for Kat and proof of John's illness in order to get an extension. Is that callous or what?

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I saw Jesse on Saturday night. So good to see him again.

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I feel like I'm finally in the groove.

I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with my friends.

I feel like I have people I can talk to, who are always there to listen to me and who I can trust to do the right thing by me.

I do feel sad sometimes when I think about how things have panned out with respect to semi-recent events.
But I've done everything I can do.

I find it hard not to take it personally.

I find it hard not knowing what's happening, if it's something I've said or done or not said or not done.

I find it hard just wanting to pick up where we left off and just go back to being friends.

I find it liberating seeing people I can just talk to.

I find it liberating to feel safe with people who care about me,

I find it liberating that I think about it less and less each day (except for yesterday, when it was at the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons).

I can honestly say that my beef is over.

I find what's happening now difficult to wrap my head around, but not what happened before.

I miss my friend, but I'm trucking on and I'm getting on with it.

And I'm having a blast.

There will always be room in my life for him, and I'm obviously incredibly fond of the man. I miss talking to him, hanging out, getting lunch.

But I'm getting it together.

I have it together.

Except for uni. Ooooooooops.