I can't say I'm surprised.

I knew this was a long time coming.

I'm sad, of course I'm sad.

Apart from the fact that it's not nice to be told that you're not wanted any more, and to see a good thing end, to have loved and lost sometimes feels like it's a step down from never having loved at all.

But I know this is the right call to make, the right decision, and the best for both of us.

He'll always have a place in my heart but it's the friendship I value. If the rest gets in the way of the friendship, then that's what has to go.

I'm grieving for something that brought me a lot of joy, comfort and good memories. That's all they are now though, memories. It's okay to feel sad about that.

I opened my heart and I knew that sooner or later that it would be painful. I wasn't expecting the when or the how, but I knew eventually...

This time we ended on good terms, as equals, and this is how it should have ended to begin with.

Now a change of scenery, some time to be alone and yet not alone, and to understand that although this time it hasn't worked out, the only way to live is to follow your heart til it bleeds.

He worked hard and was so patient with me, to scale the walls, dismantle them brick by brick, to earn my trust and my love. That this time it didn't work out doesn't mean that it can't ever work out, it just means that it can happen again.

But maybe next time circumstances won't conspire as they have, personalities won't conflict as they did.

I felt alive when he was in bed with me, and I felt safe as I lay in his arms. I felt happy when he looked at me.

But that happiness didn't stem from romance, it stemmed from trust and affection. Neither of those things are in short supply, although I kind of feel sometimes they ought to be.
There are other ways to be affectionate.

I wasn't looking for forever, and I'm still not.

There's enough going on for me besides this.

I'm sad, but I'm okay.

This is how it was always going to end and I knew that. I knew all this week that this talk was coming. I'm glad it finally has.
I would have liked longer but of course that's just not how it works out, sometimes.

I will miss his touch, and I'll miss the way he holds me. Held me.

And I'll learn from this. That it can be okay to let someone in, but to be prepared for it to go south. To love is to make yourself vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable, but I let myself be because I trusted him.
Maybe that's not a bad thing, even though it didn't work out.

There's no date on this, but I wrote it months ago, when we were first talking about whether or not we should date, and I was unsure and conflicted because I was worried about getting hurt.

I chose then not to keep the world at arm's length. I chose to follow my heart til it bled. I made that choice again, and again.
I can watch the sunrise alone.

He asked me if it was a net negative.
I cherish ever minute, every moment, every memory.
I would never change a thing, except to be more tender, and to tell him one last time what it all meant.
To say thankyou.
To kiss him on the cheek and squeeze his hand and say thankyou.

I am proud to call him my friend, and I will be for as long as I am allowed to do so.