I couldn't sleep last night.

I don't mean that I tossed and turned, or slept fitfully. I mean that I could not unwind, I could not settle, and when I closed my eyes horrible pictures made me open them again.

I saw John at the shops on Sunday, and behind my eyes I see him smiling smugly. He is exactly the same as he was. The same hairdo, the same clothes, he walks the same way. I'll never forget that gait - so distinctive. For years I used to get shaky if I saw a man walking like that from a distance.

It will pass.

I tried to talk to Phillip about it today, about John, but then the bus came and I don't think he really remembers who I was talking about anyway. So I left it.

So I'm now on hour 38 of my day and I still can't sleep.

On the plus side, I got a bunch of essay done after about 5am this morning.

Also, that film commentary, the one supposed to cost me over 30%... I got the grade back. 74%.

I just want to have a chat.
I just want to be open about who I am, where I have come from and what I'm hoping for and afraid of.

He's the first person to have seen all of me, past and present. The first person I've trusted with that.

And I would be ecstatic to just say hello.