So much has happened

Just had my first big O since last time I was with him. It's not the same at all. I miss sex. Surprised I lasted this long. Been really pent up this last week.

On an (kind of) unrelated note, this is my first night in my own bed for a couple weeks. Finally got the movers in and all my stuff at my new joint. NO MORE COUCH FOR THIS GUY.

Got a message for my birthday. Glad to think he's thinking of me I guess, but I dunno. It makes me sad that we're still not even on speaking terms.

I'm going to fail uni this semester. Since September I've just absolutely bailed. Can't focus, can't think, can't concentrate. Been thinking a little about self harm. Haven't done anything though. Just been really stressed with not talking, stuff with scouts, moving.

I told Troy I'm not coming back but I still expect him to leave. There's nobody here to help me with this and I can't do it on my own. I can't. I trusted someone with it for the first time, put things in motion, and I'm left standing here on my own. I can't follow through.
I have to leave, it's the only other option left.

I realise now why I never told anyone before, never trusted anyone with it before. This is so much worse than anything else that's happened. This IS the worst.
I should never have believed there was any intent to actually help because I have been left alone, so alone. The fact that I've dealt, that I've reached out to other people on a lesser level (let's learn from mistakes and not repeat them, hey) does not excuse that.
I'm not blaming and I'm not even mad. There's no obligation. I've no RIGHT to anything.
I think I'm just upset because I trusted someone for the first time. For the first time, I let someone see all of me. And they said all the right things, encouraged me to take steps. Then they took one look and left me there alone after promising whatever else happened, that wouldn't. I should have seen that coming. I should never have put myself in a position that I actually believed that, much less relied on it. I took someone at their word, and I'm angry at myself for doing so.

It was so hard to be so vulnerable. To let someone see me as I am. Such an effort. I wasn't expecting it to be discarded as it was.

But I won't go back and it will be gone.

I'm good. I'm happy. I'm safe.

I miss my mate but what can I do?

I will be fine and I am fine. This scouts bullshit will be over soon enough and then I can put it out of my mind.
I'm not angry at anyone but myself.

Finally got my stuff here though :D Finally a bed and no more floordrobe! I have a cat now though D:
Can't win them all I guess though.

Had a good birthday, Dan kind of... I dunno. It was fine.

Party is still going ahead on the 18th. Still kind of hoping he might change his mind and come. I mean Shane is coming. SHANE. If I had a choice I know who I'd rather choose. I just don't understand.

This much silence, I was either the most important person in his world or the least. Kind of seeing it as very much the latter.

I got over us breaking up a while ago now. I just miss my friend.
I made all the allowances to keep that friendship. Maybe that was a mistake. I wouldn't trade any of it though. Not a second.

I think about him every day but not the relationship. Does that make sense? I wonder what he's doing, wonder how he is. I miss our chats. I miss going out for lunch.

I don't know what I could have done differently in that last month or so to have prevented this silence. I thought I was as gracious as I could be, took all the changes with as much dignity and understanding as I could. I certainly tried to.

People are stepping into the void now. I don't mind, I'm glad.

This whole thing comes off as really negative. There are negatives right now but overall I'm in a good place. There are things I would like to be different but I'm happy, I'm strong and I think I may have found a home.