Timing is everything II

Okay so that just sunk in. Freaking out with stress right now. I looked at a place this arvo and it was so small for the price the guy was asking.

I don't know how I'm gonna do this.

And I have so much stuff now... too much for a share house, not enough for a house. And being boss of a house has a whole other set of challenges.

And tomorrow is Friday and I have to see Troy and I don't know what to do.
He messaged me on Tuesday. Asked when was a good time to call me. I responded that there isn't one.

I really need someone to talk to but there isn't anybody.

I don't know what to do. I hate that I have to do it alone. I hate that the one person I thought I could talk to isn't here and all my other friends are either chasing tail or busy. Is it so much to ask that people just put their shit to one side and hang out with another person without making it into something with strings attached??
I'm sick of this bullshit.

I've been chatting to Karen and trying to get a time sorted with Belle and Caris.

Scott keeps messaging me. Jake offered to share house with me and it makes me want to SCREAM. This is after I've told him that no, I don't want him to mow my lawn and no, he doesn't need to donate to me and install new car speakers. Why won't people just LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm not interested. I don't WANT anything. I'm in limbo. I'm grieving and I'm hoping all at once. I want to spend time with people and I want to talk, yeah. At least in a relationship those people just cut off contact altogether, or pulled their heads in. This is intolerable. The girls are all busy. I'm trying so hard to get a time with them but I can't find one. Even Phillip is being weird. PHILLIP.

And now I have to organise a house and move in a month?

I just want a friend. I want the person who I could always talk to about anything. I miss that. I miss feeling safe.

I don't know how I'm going to handle tomorrow or the rest.
I'm reaching out for support and either getting nothing, smut or flirting.
I just want people to listen.

I just want to talk.

I feel so alone. So overwhelmed. I need someone to slap me in the face and tell me it'll all be okay and to cut it out.

It's so frustrating trying to be social and finding people only angling for one thing. I'M. NOT. INTERESTED. Not in anything or anyone outside of my relationship and let's face it that's pretty up in the air so this is coming from a place of (possibly misguided) hope and loyalty as well as grieving.

You know before I even agreed to this whole relationship malarkey I had to reconcile the fact that I wasn't going to be playing the field.
In what kind of fucked up world do I have multiple guys dying at my feet while I yearn for exclusivity with someone who doesn't want me?
How is that fair?

Every time some comment is made it just reminds me that I can't have that with the person I want to. Every time they make a joke about me missing them or something they want to do all it does is remind me I lost my partner in crime on that front. It hurts every time.
And it's not an aphrodisiac.
I'm just. Not. Interested.

I'm in way over my head here. Wrapping my head around the relationship stuff is bad enough without my kick-out date being brought forward or people being total cunts all at the same time. Even Phillip for shitsake. It makes me so angry I want to cry.

I want my friend back. Relationship would be a bonus but I'll take what I can get at this point.