I'm happy and I'm sad.

I'm happy because I finally got my cuddles, my kisses, my laughs.
Got to sleep beside him again. Got to see his face in the morning.
Got to feel him against my skin.

I'm sad because I have to accept that something beautiful is over.
The odds were always overwhelmingly that we weren't going to be forever, but then again neither of us was looking for forever. I knew it was over but as long as I didn't know for sure I could still hope.

If I get to keep the friendship, and maybe some sex thrown in there too, then I'll be okay.

The friendship is what I value and the sex is great.

I'm sad because I was so happy. I can still be happy and I am, but it's still a loss to grieve.

Perhaps in a month I'll thank him. Perhaps in a month we revisit this conversation.

All I know for sure right now is this is the reality and the reality I must and will accept.

I remember what it was like when I wanted to end something and the other person didn't respect my ability to make that call.
I'm not going to be that person. I respect him too much to push for it. I'm not sure I would want to anyway.

I wouldn't want to pick up where we left off. I know and he knows that the way it ended, everything that went down, was not okay. But in a way, to want to pick up where we left off sends the message that it was. It makes me a doormat.

I look forward, not backward. But I don't forget the past as I move into the future.

I'm not okay with what happened but I understand the events leading up to it and why it happened. I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with him.

It'll take me some time to readjust to this new reality but I will.
I know where I stand now and I can deal with that.

I'm happy because I got to be with someone I enjoy being with. I'm happier still because I got to spend time with my friend for the first time in what feels like forever. I've missed that more than even I realised. It felt so good to hold a hand, to lie in bed and feel my skin on his, to kiss. The way he smiles makes me feel a million dollars. I missed that.

And that's not going away. The lying in bed part might but the laughter, the smiles, the conversation... made me remember why I spent time thinking about this person in the first place.

Not a second wasted, and not a second of regret.

Spending time together and (potential) casual sex is a pretty good deal. I'm definitely okay with that. The rest will follow naturally.

I see him again tomorrow. More chance to talk. More time to laugh.
I missed him so much and I feel a whole lot better for having seen him, even though the circumstances aren't ideal.

My only regret is that there isn't a single picture of us together. That blows.

I'm sad, but I'm okay. I'm happy.