How I feel

So I finally sat down and centred myself. Let the music surround me and fade away, and just sit and watch how I feel and observe what I want in my heart.

I feel lost.
I feel sad.
Overall, I feel hopeful though. I feel a tentative hope. When I think of him I feel the pressure on my lips and a smile comes to my face. Then it disappears as I realise it's not a good idea to get invested in the idea that it will happen again.

I realise he wants distance right now. He's not talking to me while he sorts things out in his head and that's okay. I'm doing my absolute best to respect that. I was so grateful Troy wasn't there tonight. It meant that maybe when that conversation happens I'll be able to talk about what happens.

I understand and respect his need for space. It makes me feel sad that he doesn't necessarily want to talk to me, but I understand that he needs to do this on his own and for himself. It makes me nervous that he doesn't want to talk to me. I wonder if the pendulum is swinging against me again.

I feel worried but when I want to message him I message someone else instead, or I put on a CD.

I miss him. It was not that long ago I was standing in Dublin smiling as we messaged each other talking about the sex we were going to have when I got back, and made plans for him to stay at my house the night I got back. I miss being with him, I miss his hands and his body and his mouth. I miss his cuddles and his smell. I'm scared of losing that. I miss it a lot.

I miss laughing with him.

That kiss the other day was magic, and it reminded me of all the other things I miss too.
I swear the happiest I could be made in the world would be for him to come around, spend the night and just talk and cuddle the whole night.

I want to work this out if it can be worked out.
I want my friend back.
I miss my friend and that makes me feel flat and heavy and dead inside.

I feel hopeful the majority of the time, and then if I think about it I feel nervous and sad as I realise there's a good chance I still lose my friend at a time I feel I need him most and over an issue I feel is not worth sacrificing a friendship. I don't understand the severity. I don't think it's worth this. For me it certainly wasn't at any rate.

I feel that if we only saw each other again and sat and talked, that things would become clearer. For me distance only muddies the way I see things as I over-think and forget what the original circumstances were. I can't help but feel if we only met up, if we only spent some time, it would become clearer that this is not worth the angst it has caused, that we have allowed it to cause. I can't help but feel if we only saw each other, it'd be clear that we can work this whole thing out.

But it isn't up to me and that makes me feel nervous because even though for me, seeing him made it simpler, that isn't (might not be?) the case for him.

The thought of him makes me smile and makes me hopeful.
The thought of the situation makes me nervous and stressed.

He wants space and I'll respect it but I'm scared.
I feel space is a bad move but that's not up to me.
I feel meeting up - not for long, not often, but at some point. For coffee - anything - is the thing to do.

I understand though.
I hope I hear from him soon. He's always on my mind. Usually it's a thought that makes me smile at some random point in the day, sometimes it's not. I miss him.