A long day.
Was disgustingly tired at uni today.
Michael fucked me around with lunch something chronic.
Saw Shane doing a SA stall outside the library, apparently he's re-enrolled in another bachelor of arts (because hey, why not?). I don't even know why they allowed that, apparently they weren't keen but he got them to agree somehow. I wasn't talking to him for long. He wants to catch up sometime. I don't.
I joined a club today in a moment of weakness. I was walking around the pissing contest on oak lawn and thought well another social outlet will be nice. I've meant to join a club at uni and this is potentially my last chance at UWA. I hate meeting new people though. Actually not strictly true. I love meeting new people, I just dislike being thrown into social settings in which I don't know anybody and there's lots of noise and movement and overcrowding. A pub crawl with strangers is NOT my jam. Still, I've done it now and worst case scenario I've thrown $5 down the drain. I'd like to give it a try though. Not the pub crawl bit, but the socialising bit. I realise I've relied on the social relationships of others a little much because it's been easier, more comfortable. Time to start getting uncomfortable and (hopefully) slowly reap some benefits.
I heard from Corey today. ARGHGGGGGGHGHGHGHGHG is a pretty good summary of my feelings at the end of that conversation. I've had it with the innuendo punctuated by "haha" to make it seem like a joke.
It's not funny.
Like I mean this is a transcript of part of the conversation:
C: Yep. What are you doing? U at lunch? Should we grab lunch or something when I get back?
A: Yeah just chilling til work starts
A: Might be meeting a mate in ten
C: Tonight? Wow that's a keen meet.
A: No in ten minutes lol [at this point bracing for impact of next comment but still trying to head it off at the pass]
C: Oh bahaha right well have fun with that.
A: Yeah maybe lol [drop it mate. now]
C: What atree you upto?hehe. I think I know. Talk after work I finish at 6:30
A: Um not sure what that is meant to mean but ok
C: You know haha. Come on u been away for ages. Not even the slightest erge to you know hehe. Haha. Dont worry
A: What fuck the first person I see? No not even the slightest urge. Got dumped while I was away. Not funny
C: Shit I am soo sorry I didn't mean anything buy it. I didn't knie about that. I am sorry. I hope ur ok
A: Whether you knew about it or not can you keep comments about my sex life to yourself thanks
C: Sorry. I was just playing around ash
Now I don't know if I was tired, if it was the reminder of my sex life or lack thereof, or the fact that it was wrong and about MICHAEL of all people, or just plain rude and not funny but I was just fuming. I've had it with these conversations. I've said time and again it's not on. Jokes aren't jokes unless everyone's laughing, and as far as he's concerned his sex life is no laughing matter and as far as I'm concerned it's juvenile and nobody's damn business.
Anyway after that exchange yet ANOTHER comment was made leading to me reverting back to being twelve and putting it on facebook. UGH I hate myself. But I was so angry. It's not funny and it's not friendly. It's inappropriate and I'm very serious when I say it's not okay. I've had it up to here.
So then I went to work.
Work was good. I was viciously attacked by no less than six five year olds whose parents were happy to watch and laugh at me as I was sat on, dragged around, pushed over and giving countless spinny-winnies to kids who are now verging on too big for it, ie the amount of speed I need to get them up to in order to keep them off the ground means that if something goes wrong, it goes horribly wrong.
This is all fine except I broke out in the worst hives imaginable (and I took a hayfever tablet today) and was itchy ALL afternoon. Still kind of am. They're fun though. I like playing with the kids. I like that they see me trying desperately to look inconspicuous and disinterested and decide to actively try and play with me because I'm fun. You're only able to throw around and tickle and have other people's children jump on your boobs for so long before eyebrows start being raised. The kids should glory in being kids now, while they still can.
Made a truck with Michael out of recycled waste. Anna should save some of it for crafty stuff. I know she doesn't want to clog up the house but bin diving every time the kids want to make something gets old.
Got into an "I love you" competition with Michael today. "I love you to the moon and all the stars" "I love you to the moon and the stars and back again" "I love you that much double" "I love you that much triple" "I love you that much triple plus three"
Michael asked how my thing went that I had to answer the questions for. I was momentarily confused because I'd just been explaining what a quiz night was and thought that's what he meant. "No, that thing you had to do at big school and if you didn't get all the questions right you had to do it again" "Oh, you mean an exam?" "Yeah that was it, an exam!" "Yeah I passed my exam, I got the questions right" "Good work Ash, you're a really hard worker and I'm glad you got all the questions right" "Gee, thanks Michael" "I think that too!" [Rebecca] "Thanks Rebecca!"
Such sweet little kids.
"Ash did you see your friend at big school today?"
"I saw a couple of my friends at big school today. I saw my friend Shane who you might not remember and I saw my friend Michael [for like, five minutes I had to walk back onto campus for]. He's a grown up Michael but you don't know him."
"No, I meant your other friend. Rebecca had one and you had one"
"Jacob?"
"Yeah, Rebecca saw her Jacob today, did you see your Jacob today?"
"Nah, I just saw my other uni friends today. And did you know, I'm seeing another one of my friends tonight after I say goodbye to you!"
"Which friend are you seeing tonight?"
"I'm seeing my friend Scott, we're going to get some dinner and then we might have a nice drink of something if it's not too late"
"Oh. Are you seeing all your friends this week?"
"I'm seeing some of them but not all of them because some of them are busy"
"Are they busy because they failed their exam and had to do it again?"
"No, not this week."
"Did Shane fail an exam?"
"Yeah he did"
"That's because he's incredibly silly, but you're not incredibly silly because you got the questions right"
Out of the mouths of babes and all that shit. I can't believe they even remember who he is though. I spose it makes sense Michael might remember given he's a bit older and all, but still, impressive. I think we're getting to the age now that uncomfortable truths are going to start pouring out of his mouth.
He's definitely starting to repeat stuff that gets said. I heard him say to Rebecca, with an impressive air of conviction I might add, "only boring people get bored!". Considering I only EVER say that to him and he NEVER likes hearing it, it was like holy crap. Between that and hearing me refer to myself as incredibly silly earlier in a conversation and then using it in a different context later on I have to really watch my turns of phrase I think.
Saw Scott after work for some pasta cup that I INFINITELY REGRET.
No drinks, he just came to borrow GoT and compared travel notes. He's off to Melbourne or something later on this weekish until sometime next week, I don't know, I wasn't really listening. Wonder if he'll see Molly? I haven't seen her for years, I miss her. She's absolutely mad! Her fiancee is called Molly too which is hilarious. Pretty sure they have the same middle name too. If they do eventually get married, that shit is going to get confusing real quick.
I'm working late tomorrow night and Thursday night. I don't mind, I don't have anywhere else to be at night and no uni in the morning to be too tired for. May as well stay and get some extra moolah. Holla holla, as I believe the saying went.
It was a long day and I was tired and grumpy and sore but the kids brightened up my day something fierce and it was nice seeing Scott after not seeing him for so long.
Interestingly, when I got home I found an apology from Jake on my facebook which took me by surprise. Guilty conscience after seeing my dummy spit? Don't know, don't care. If he feels like he crossed a line then better he feel sorry about it than keep doing it. I'm sick of explaining to people that single is not the same as easy. I'm sick of explaining that bi is not the same as easy. Actually I'm pretty sick of explaining that "interested in you as a person" is not the same as easy. I actually found myself, and I'm pretty sure this would be condoned by someone I care deeply about, denouncing the friendzone as a stupid construct designed to trivialise platonic friendships as somehow less fulfilling than ones involving bumping uglies in the face of determined opposition. Like, passionately putting that argument forth in the face of blatant "what is wrong with you" stares and comments.
Well pissed that I got Amity tickets and then Caris and Belle and Scott went to get some and they were sold out. Really not keen on going to these things on my own, as previously mentioned. Might find someone flogging one and pass it on.
Ache is still in my chest but I'm doing my best to ignore it.
Being as social as I'm able given work. I think it's the best thing, a healthy thing, a good thing.
In the immortal words of My Chemical Romance, I am not afraid to keep on living and I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
For too long I've let myself be shy because it's been easier to stay shut away and only come out with someone I trust. No more. I'm making an effort now and I will continue to do so regardless of what the outcome of this saga is. Maybe it'll be the best thing to come of the last couple of weeks.
On a level I wish I never went on that stupid holiday. It wasn't worth this and I'd trade it in an instant.
On another I feel that everything is because it simply is. It's not right or wrong because objectively there's no standard to judge it by. Things aren't "meant to be", they just ARE, and all we can do is let it shape us in the best possible way and not the worst.
I've let things shape me negatively before, and it's proven a hard thing to change later. Not this time. There are things I need to change, not for anybody else but for myself. One of those things is going to be keeping my own friendships strong even when it's easier to allow them to wither.
That's why I joined that stupid club.
That's why I saw Phillip yesterday, even though he made a couple of weird comments I'm still sussing out how I feel about. That's why I stopped at the stall and made small talk. That's why I walked back on campus to say hi to Michael. That's why I saw Scott tonight. That's why I'm making plans with Richie. That's why I tried to get Caris and Belle to Amity Affliction at the end of the month. Reeeeeally hope we can track down tix somewhere.
This isn't for anybody's benefit but mine and it can only be a good thing.
So all up, today was a win. Thanks kids! Have to remember to bring a candle with me tomorrow so we can do a fire experiment ("fire doesn't BREATHE!" "yes it does, if you cut off the air the fire goes out. I'll bring a candle tomorrow and prove it"). Have to remember to bring dinner with me too. That's going to be tricky given I'm at uni in the morning. Might have to leave earlier and drop food in before I go to class. I went to my class today. People frustrated the shit out of me but I'm tired, I'm grumpy and I'm sore so my bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low, and in fairness Corey is a repeat offender in that regard. I took a leap of faith and joined a club. I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time.
And it was good.
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