Irony

Irony is arranging someone to come sit and watch while you have words with someone after a meeting, only to find that the person you were to have words with is in Kalgoorlie. Then the person arranged to sit with you goes to Kalgoorlie in time for the person you were having words with to come back.

Come this Friday night, I'm screwed.

The cavalry has offered to come back to Perth in a fortnight to be there when words are had, if I can get through the meeting this week. Thing is I don't want to wait that long, and I'm not dragging someone that far to do me a favour in all honesty I don't want them to do for me.
I'm just being selfish.
I want someone there but with the only two people I've told out of the equation for the minute, or longer I don't know, I don't want to explain to anyone else.

I feel so ashamed.

It was so hard to tell anybody to begin with, and now that I've not only told them but set things in motion, I'm left standing there by myself to deal with it.
Fair enough. My problem.

Always was, always will be.

I always had to do this on my own; why would it be any different now?

Man up, Ash. Nobody owes you anything. Nobody has to help them because you chose to tell them something and haven't told anybody else. There may have been an emotional obligation of sorts before but there isn't now. You're on your own. You'll always be on your own in this. Nobody is ever going to be there to fight these battles with you. You can't ever trust in that.

I feel so ashamed. This really is all my fault. Why did I start this if I didn't know that I could see it through by myself? This isn't anybody else's problem.
Maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I find myself in now if I hadn't offloaded and in so doing made it someone else's problem. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

Too late, it's done now. I either do this alone this week, or I wait and I maybe do it next week. I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish.

I don't know what to do and I don't have anybody who can listen because I stupidly made myself feel that I had to talk about it and then found myself in a situation there was nobody to talk to about it. But too late, it was in the open and wheels were turning.

I don't know if I can do this.

I am strong. Life keeps throwing shit my way and I keep getting up and continuing to walk on by.
I keep on going.
I only need myself.
The one constant is that I'm always okay in the end.

Thing is I feel like that's fraying right now.
This is the most major decision I've made in recent history and I'm left here to follow it through alone.
There's other stuff going on as well and it's all wrapped up together.

I let myself be told there was someone I could always talk to about this. I let myself trust in that.
I still trust in that but I just can't make good on it right now. It wouldn't be fair.

I'm so scared.

See that was a lie up there, before.
This is a place I can always be honest but that's a lie I tell myself, all the time. Sometimes it's the only way I get through the day. I don't only need myself. Everybody needs a little support sometimes.
I had been feeling so optimistic, so happy, all of the time. Like I actually couldn't remember the last time I felt worried like this. I was with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world and I could do anything. I let myself think that maybe I could share a burden but look, just look, how that has worked out.
I only need myself.
I'm always okay in the end.
It's not true but it's still nobody else's problem.
Nobody owes me anything and I never should have let myself feel that I could rely on that.
You can never rely on that.
You always, always have to assume you'll deal alone, and then that way when you ask for help people will know you need it. That way, even if it all goes terribly wrong, even if there's nobody else around, you'll be okay.
I forgot to assume that.

Now I'm well fucked.

But I'll be okay.
I'm scared but there's no way but forward now.
Alone or with company, I will step out of the shadows no matter how deeply the light terrifies me.
Maybe they'll all call me a liar, maybe they'll call me worse.
Maybe they'll tell me I'm to blame.
Is it so wrong to want someone's hand to hold through that process?

Would I rather live safe in the dark than be judged alone in the light by people who don't know the story?

I've already put a foot into the light but nobody yet has seen my face. It's not too late to turn around and run.

I want to step forward but I don't want to do it alone.
Is that really so wrong?
Am I being selfish? Am I being weak?
I've carried this for so long, I feel like I started to put down that burden and now I don't want to pick up that burden again but I'm afraid of the consequences if I don't.

This isn't anybody else's problem and I don't intend to make this anybody else's problem any more.

My relationship, former relationship, is Schrödinger's cat. It's both possible and impossible, continuing and ended, optimism and pessimism.

I am okay with that.
I am okay with waiting.
It is worth waiting for.
It's worth every minute of every day.
I will have patience until I know where I stand, although I fear I know the answer in my gut already. I hope I'm wrong.
I will not make this a factor.
It is worth stepping back and swallowing my fear.
It is worth the nights I spend alone.
The chance that everything can be made right again, that I can have a chance to prove how deeply my feelings run, that I can prove that I can do better, I can BE better... I would move heaven and earth (and that's a big ask given heaven doesn't exist) to demonstrate how much this means to me.

But this is issue is here, today, now, in my head and in my heart. The fear of the light. Nobody else has ever told me they believed me. Nobody else has ever told me that anybody else might, too.
I want to do this but I'm afraid of being alone, ganged up on, called a liar.
I don't need anybody to help me step into the light. I just don't want to stand there alone.

I have until Friday to mull it over.
If I can get through Friday, I have until next Friday to decide whether I want to call in yet another favour with someone I don't really want to see. At all, actually. Like I really have no desire to see this person at all, and they'd only be coming to Perth to help me out. That feels so selfish, but I can't do this alone and I can't tell anybody else. Nobody else will understand.

I will be okay.
Nothing else has knocked me down yet.
This is not going to be the first.
I will be patient.

I will take life as it comes, with nothing but love in my heart, and I will make the best of what life throws at me.
I will hope, I will be patient, but I will be realistic.
Everything will be okay. I will be okay.
Just like I always have been in the end.