seriously Ash

its like 4am, how and why am I still awake after literally two hours sleep last night.

I feel so much better. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I cried on the way home but I was happy. I was so, so happy.

It may still be over, I'm not an idiot. But he sat and he held my hand and he listened to everything I had to say. I did my best to listen too and I hope I did okay. I hope I let him speak. I hope I took everything he said at face value and on board. I did my very best but especially at first, I was so overwhelmed.

The emotion side is always one I try and sit on but this blindsided me so much I haven't been able to keep a handle on it til now. The whole way from Anna's I could HEAR my heart in my chest beating loud and fast. I could hear it over the stereo. I was drenched in a cold sweat and tears all over the shop as I rehearsed for the millionth time all the things I wanted to say, wanted to ask.

Then I knocked on the door and there was no answer. My heartbeat was in my ears. I knocked again, louder. Still no response. Standing out in the cold knowing he was so close after all this time and wanted nothing to do with me. I knocked again and this time he came to the door, greeted me jovially and we went and sat in the middle room. Just the sound of his voice and the sight of his face made me so happy and sad at the same time. He touched my hand and everything I was trying to sit on and suppress over the last week or so pushed past the last of my self-control and I just couldn't stop crying. And he sat there and he let me. I've had a couple things to be upset about over the last couple years but I haven't cried like that for as long as I can remember.

And he listened as I tried my best to explain and tried my best to understand.

We laughed and I missed that more than I missed all the rest, and I missed all the rest a lot.

I got my hand held, I got my kiss.
God that kiss.
I've missed this man.

If it doesn't work out now I know that it's not a product of misinformation or confusion but something decided in receipt of the facts as I have been able to present them.

Just reread my post-breakup post and hotdamn I must have been angry. Ouch. I actually cringed reading it. So much anger in there. Knowing what I now know, I feel pretty bad for him now that I know he read it but at the time I was just so, so hurt to my core and frustrated that I felt so isolated and alone, and that post was my first reaction. Sorry man. :/

This is a place where I can be honest. Only ever given two people the address, and one other person found it on my laptop. This is a place where I can vent and I can be totally honest and potentially express myself in a more lucid way than just word vomiting aloud to myself or someone else. I guess he must know that though, having seen earlier stuff and whatnot. When I can't get to pen and paper, when I can't listen to music, when I need to see how I feel written out so that I can actually work out what it is that I feel, this is where I come. This is where I go when I need to get it out because I can backtrack and see where I've come from.

I saw him, and it made me happy as well as sad. He held me and even though I was still hurting I felt safe. He listened to me talk and he explained the situation as he saw it. He held my hand and it made my heart sing. He laughed with me and it made me feel better. He hugged me and kissed my nose and we put our faces together like we always did. He kissed me goodbye and I'm not cut off forever.
It might not be salvation, but goddamn, it was so much more than I'd dared to allow myself to hope.

And I feel so, so much better.