Pain

There is an ache in my chest and it won't go away. It is constantly there, like a great weight always slowing me down. I feel as though I am running and running only to be pulled backward after a short time. I feel as though this is inevitable. I've felt down again for some time now, but today was a bad day. I feel the tears prickling behind my eyes and I can barely stop them from spilling out of me. Why? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know what to do. What to say. What to think. I feel like there is a hole inside of me that nothing can fill. I feel that my heart is empty and does not want to feel so that it cannot hurt. But it hurts anyway.

I have been strong for so long, and now I feel that I can't anymore. I need, for once, to be held up by another. I need to be told that it will be ok, to be helped through the day, and for someone to just hold me close and let me be vulnerable. I need to cry and be safe while I do it. I need to get angry. Passion will be the energy I need to break free of this and to do this I need to be honest with myself. I need to meet with my pain and my fear and I need to look it in the eye. I need to embrace it, I need to let myself feel it and I need to channel it into something better. It's the only way. I must stop hiding from it and be bigger, stronger.

I have been the proud recipient of an open relationship for a mere three days. Except that I don't know what that means. It's well nigh impossible to have any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, without emotional intimacy. But I want emotional intimacy. I want to share the love that I hold within me for so many people, the love that I feel tears me apart. I want to cuddle more than one person. I want to kiss. I want to be held. I want to love and be loved and I want the beauty of that love to be given freely as a gift - not out of obligation or guilt! I also don't want to withhold or second-guess my feelings of affection and love for other people because I'm not in a relationship with them. That's what happens when you get close to someone, whether it's sexual or not. I want to be close to people. I want to cuddle and be physically close, enjoy that intimacy with no expectations of more.

What does it all mean? I don't know.

I want to scream up at the sky, a great wail of pain and suffering. I want to cry until there are no tears left. I want to get angry and shout at somebody I love and cause them pain so that they understand that I AM NOT OK. I want to be held and I want to pull away and I want that person to take me by the wrist and pull me close because it may not be what I want but it is what I need. I want to get angry but I can't.

I've been having my nightmares again. Sometimes they are different to how they used to be, but one of the old ones has come back. I am always standing in a crowded place - maybe the city. Maybe a shopping centre. Maybe in a family gathering. No matter where I am, I am screaming in pain. There are tears pouring down my face as I try and make contact with someone, anyone. I scream and I cry and I beg and I am pathetic and NOBODY CAN HEAR ME. I am all alone in a huge group of people and I am so, so alone.

It's ironic that the previous post is about trust. Ironic because the issue I face right now, the one that requires of me action and decision, is one I cannot face because I do not trust myself to make the right choice.
I know that life has no guarantees. I know that there is always a risk. But my theory thus far has always been to go with my gut and that has never failed me. But now I don't know what my gut is telling me. I am torn.

I do not even know what I am torn between. I do not know why I am unhappy. What I do know is that I am so desperately, painfully, agonisingly unhappy that I feel the old thoughts rise to the fore once again. The ones I have worked so hard on myself to banish. The ones that whisper in my ear that I will not be missed. That there is one fool-proof way to end all pain. And so I want to scream for help but I cannot make a sound.

I have done so well and I have come so far. My heart is strong and I am strong but I cannot continue like this. I need to kick and fight and struggle and get to the surface to breathe some air and not sink and drown. I am screaming and I can only hope that I will be heard.

I am stronger than this but I feel myself being ground down again. The darkness whispers to me as it used to and as much as I try not to listen it is hard. I feel a physical pain within me and I want to be held like a child until it goes away. I'm tired of being the strong one! In all my relationships, ALL OF THEM, I am the one who does the holding, the reassuring, does the moving and shaking, makes things happen, finds the answers. No more!
I am not ok, and I won't be until I can look the pain in the eye, join with it, feel it, and then turn it into something better. The question now is how.