Open relationship

I'm now in an open relationship with my boyfriend, who I've been with for two years. We decided to make some rules and I figured I should put them somewhere that I can find them again.

So, here goes...

1.    I do not automatically need to know anytime anything goes down between you and somebody else. Similarly, I do not automatically need to disclose to you if something goes down between me and somebody else. We don't own each other and don't need to ask for permission or validation from each other.

2.    If we do ask for details of what the other has done, be honest. Full disclosure if it is asked for. This information is not a right, it is a sign of trust. I will likely only ask you for details if something is troubling me.

3.    If something is bothering either of us, we talk about it. We suspend any plans we may have had with anybody else until such time as we are both comfortable with the situation.

4.    The fact that we do not automatically need to disclose who we're with and what we're doing with them does not mean that we have to sneak around. It's not about keeping things a secret from each other or having to cover our tracks. It's about respecting our own right to privacy as well as not putting each other in a position where we may feel uncomfortable. So don't sneak around - say you're going out with a girl if you're going out with a girl. But know that that is all I need to know, and I'm ok with that.

5.    Realise that I will continue to hang out with and see the same people I always have. I'm not suddenly shagging everything that moves in the same way that you're doing the same things you always have, and you're not shagging everything that moves. Try not to look at routine social gatherings and interactions with suspicion. If something concerns you, ask. Don't let things eat away at you even if you feel the like a bit of a douche for asking. I forgive you.

6.    I realise that most romantic relationships end. And that's ok. I realise that in taking on an open relationship I am also taking on many of my own insecurities. As tempting as it is to keep you all for myself so that you don't meet someone else you like better, I know that could happen anytime. Or we could grow apart. The fact that I don't want it to happen doesn't make it less likely. And so I say to you now, if you do meet someone else and you fall in love with them, that's ok. If you meet someone else and you genuinely want to try and make a life with them, that's ok. It will hurt and I will hurt but I will not stand in the way of your happiness because I love you. You aren't mine to own. And so I ask of you that should I fall in love with somebody else, should I find somebody else, that you will attempt to take this development with good grace and to concede that you do not own me either. I will not stand in the way of your happiness and I ask that you do not stand in the way of mine. I know that you have the emotional maturity to do this and I think I do too.

7.    If you are going out with someone and you expect that you will be out late, please let me know in advance if you can. This does not just apply to romantic prospects, it's just courteous. You do not want to be sitting at home wondering where I am and when I'll be home and pissed off because I took the car and you would have gone out if you'd known I wasn't home. By letting the other know, we can make an informed decision as to what we're going to do that evening.

8.    If you or I are going out with a romantic prospect and we think there is a possibility of staying out late or overnight, we will let the other know at least a few days beforehand. This is just courteous and means that if I am going out overnight you can arrange to meet someone that night as well or see friends instead of sitting at home and fuming because you'd wanted to watch movies together or something.

9.    Where possible, stay at the other person's house.

10.    In addition to #8, if it so eventuates that we are bringing someone back to our house, text and let the other know. You do not want to wake up one morning and walk out into the kitchen to find some buff gym nut flipping eggs in our kitchen. Similarly, I do not want to wander out in the morning to find you cooking breakfast for Stacy the cheerleader. It's ok for people to come back to the house, but more notice is better. If I wake up to find a text saying that you've brought someone home I can then choose to stay in the house, leave, whatever. It's up to me and I can make an informed choice. That's infinitely better than the alternative.
Also it'd be incredibly awkward for you to bring someone home and for me to do the same thing an hour or two later only to discover that you've taken the garage. So text me.

11.   Nobody has sex on our bed except for us. Ever.

12.    We've discussed whether or not we should tell each other if we end up sleeping with each others' friends. I maintain that I don't mind, and I don't feel that you owe me a sit-down talk about your relationship with my friends. We're all adults here. Similarly I will not automatically fill you in if I happen to sleep with one of your friends. If this is not agreeable, I think the best plan is to stay away from mutual friends where possible.

13.    Condoms. Always. I don't want to find out that I've caught something from Stacy the cheerleader, via you. You want to know that you're the father of the child should I fall pregnant. I know they suck. Sorry. I'm not happy about it either.

14.    If there comes a time where you are unsure how to proceed because you don't know if your actions will constitute a breach of the rules, remember that I trust you to do the right thing by me. I'm sure that if it comes to a choice and you're not sure what to do that you will proceed with integrity and without intent to harm anybody. Likewise I will always do my best to do the right thing by you, and know that if I make a mistake and get it wrong, it was a mistake and not my intent. We are only human. I trust you.