Another bad day.

I'm annoyed and I don't know why. Well I do. I know why I'm annoyed. The comment that got under my skin. But I know in my head that it wasn't meant to, that it's trivial, and not worth a second thought. I know that in my head.

But what was one comment slid into another, and what was annoyance has become something else, has nosedived into something resembling anger but different. A poisonous, bitter rage that tries to make me push people away with snarky comments and insults. The kind of feeling that makes a child that has been hit at home lash out at another child at school. I want to lash out and I'm fighting myself now.

And all I can feel other than this desire to hurt someone is pain. Oh the pain! Because I don't want to hurt anybody else, I want to hurt me. My problems are my own and nobody else should be hurt by them.

For so long I've stopped myself from hurting myself, but now, right now, all I want to do is cut myself open and watch the blood flow. I can feel it, and I can feel myself watching myself feel this, with a sort of horrified fascination. I want to stick my head under a pillow and scream, but I don't want it to be a pillow. I want it to be the ocean and I want to drown. I want it to be a train track and a freight train on its way. I want it to be the vacuum of space where I am nothing and I cannot feel.

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE. I want to bleed and I think I want to stop being here altogether. But maybe I don't.

I don't want to be alone and maybe the way I've been trying to say it has been too subtle, too easily dismissed as unimportant. I love my own company! I'm not worried about being in my own company. I'm sick of being ALONE. That doesn't mean I'm the only one here, it means that I might as well be. This is not going to be fixed by me phoning a friend and having them come round for drinks! That is not the solution because it doesn't matter how many people are here, I am alone.
There are only three people I can think of that I want by my side right now. Only three people with whom I don't feel like I'm shouting through a wall to get some muffled words through. One I've just severed ties with, for the last time I think. THAT HURTS and now I can't even call and say that I need him because I have no right to do so after telling him to get out of my life. Another is on the other side of the planet and that's not conducive to anything at all. The other is going to an SA meeting and won't be home for hours.

And I don't even know if I want them, not really, because while I want to sob into someone's chest and I want to be held I still want to hurt and I still want to do those things and I know they won't let me.

I think I need someone tonight and there is nobody here.