OH SHIT

It's been a while but my head is so full of things swirling around that I can't think straight. I need to get them out where I can see them, analyse them, decide what to keep and what to throw away.

A boy I like very much asked me to go out with him today.

My first reaction involved ear to ear grins and happy tears the whole car ride home. But once I stopped being exhilarated, other emotions stepped into the breach.

Problem: what about when he works out I'm kind of weird and nuts and ARGH
Solution: Pretty sure he already knows, honey. He knows you and he likes you anyway. You can't see the future so just go with it.

Problem: I do not belong to anybody, I am not ready to belong to anybody. The last time I belonged to someone they kicked me into the ground and stood on me. They stabbed me in the heart and told me to clean up the mess. They betrayed me and they used me and they made me genuinely believe that I deserved it. They made me feel fear in my home. They made me doubt my sanity. They made me scared to live my life. They made me feel guilty for feeling anything other than sorrow and even then, only when they permitted it. I was a mess. I was scared, I lived in fear. I was hurt and I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody about it, I wasn't allowed to seek help or confide in anybody. Worse, I let myself be told what I could and couldn't do when it was patently unfair and denied me the right to my own mind and body.
My solution has been to glory in my independence. I an nobody's woman. I belong to myself and NOBODY BUT MYSELF. My obligations to the world are as follows:
1. Don't be a dickhead to other people
2. Don't let anybody be a dickhead to you. Go your own way. Owe nobody anything. Don't let anybody have any sort of power over you because you only answer to yourself, and rule 1.

This man is not like that man. They are not just poles apart; they are WORLDS apart. This man is sweet and caring and kind. He is a good person who cares about the people and the world around him. He cares about me and has shown me nothing but kindness and friendship when I've needed it most. He's not been afraid to give his opinion on things when it would have been easier to stay silent and I don't think I've ever told him how grateful I am that he's told me that someone else is being a shithead when I'm having a moan about something because goddamn, someone had to say it and he came through for me. I know where I stand with him. He respects me. He is a good person. He is smart and he is funny. He is moral and he is kind.
If he hurts me it will be unintentional; it will be a natural end to a sexual relationship rather than one pre-empted by douchebaggery.

And yet I am scared.

I am scared of belonging to another person when the last person I pledged loyalty to threw it back in my face with venom and bile.

He will not do that, yet I am afraid.

Maybe it goes deeper. Maybe as a response to all the shit that happened before, I promised myself that I would never again be beholden to another person. I have been happy to enter into a mutual arrangement that by definition could end at any time and has no label.
I did not belong to him, nor him to me. We both had the power to say "not today, not tomorrow, not ever" without any reason or warning. Each time we saw each other it was agreed upon and negotiated. Tomorrow was never taken for granted.
Now tomorrow will be taken for granted. The default position will be one of union and belonging, not individuality and control.

That's what this is. Control.

I'm scared of offering up control of (aspects of) my life when last time they were all taken from me. I've perhaps overcompensated since. Each time I gave an inch a mile was taken and since then I've resolved to never give even half an inch.
Of course I have done; he has access to my phone, my money, my car if he wants it, my food, my thoughts, my computer and everything in it, my emotional state and my body.
These are all things I have given willingly, and not lightly. But they were given knowing that I could take them back just as quickly, if I wanted to.

We talked about dating, apparently I gave off an air of wanting to.
I didn't mean to. I did think it was humourous that we saw each other when we wanted to, slept together, did things, ate together, confided in each other, shared things and yet weren't a couple. I did say that it would probably just be easier if we went out but I didn't mean that I wanted to.
Those things all happened because I was a free agent in choosing to allow them to come about, each and every time they did. I feel like I will be giving up that independence if we become "boyfriend and girlfriend".

Just the word "boyfriend" sends chills up and down my spine. It's become a symbol of control to me now. He isn't like that. He won't be like that. Didn't I think that before? But even then I knew I was wrong. I didn't know how wrong, but I knew I was wrong.

I don't want to belong to someone. I like what we have now. But he's right. It's come to a point now where sooner or later, something must give. He wants to be exclusive and I want to date.

I like that I can go out, and I can see other people and they can see me and we can smile at each other and laugh and guys can send me suggestive messages and I can just straight up feel good about it. I can consider acting on it. I can go and meet someone, tell him and not feel guilty. Sure it felt odd, and the first time especially so, but since I enjoy being able to enjoy flirting with the possibility of other people again whilst knowing that until I do anything about it, he and I will be ok.
I like that I can date, I can see someone and I don't have to see them again. That's what we've been doing, right? Only we've been doing it by a different name. It's been good. It's worked for me. For us, I thought.
I've not so much as kissed someone else for months and I've been completely ok with it because it's been my choice not to.

Suddenly I can. Suddenly there are people who maybe want to kiss me, and now he wants to be my boyfriend. Is it wrong that my gut reaction to that is one of fear? (yes)
He asked me, and I quote, "if we could maybe go on a date sometime?"
Except he wasn't asking for a date, a meeting of two people romantically inclined which may or may not be followed by another meeting. Two people who are not one beholden to each other, but two individuals. Two people free to see other people if they wish.
He was asking me to surrender a part of myself I've fought hard to reclaim and protect.
He wants to call me his girlfriend and for us to be exclusive, to proclaim it to the world I guess.

There is nothing sinister in that.

I know there isn't.
I'm happy.
I'm flattered.

But I'm terrified.

Even as I feel these negative emotions, I know that I have no cause to. He has never done wrong by me. Shit, the man has the patience of a saint. He has only ever been good to me, even when I've not deserved it.

There comes a time when I have to decide what path I follow. Do I really want to be mistrustful and self-sufficient forever?
No.

The thing is in spite of everything, in spite of all the barriers and all the walls, all the carefully constructed defences, he just waltzed right on through.
I trust him.
I trust his judgement.
He makes me laugh.
I feel safe around him.
I don't just enjoy spending time with him, I love spending time with him. He makes me genuinely happy.
I drove all the way into uni today just to drive him home again. I believe that's called "whipped".

I guess the rub is, after all this time spent together, only now am I feeling secure enough to stick my head out into the world, throw out a line and see what's out there. I've been able to do that because of him. Because he's supported me doing so. He's helped me feel secure in who I am and how I should feel about myself.

I trust him not to do wrong by me, I trust him not to hurt me.

I trusted someone else with that, and they failed spectacularly. Then someone else, who had never given me cause to doubt their integrity, did the same.
The only solution, it seemed, was to go my own way. To be at all times an equal part of what happened. For it to be always an active process of maintaining it, not an active process of ending it.


But surely that's no different to how it is now.
We laugh, occasionally we cry, we hug, we sleep in the same bed. We watch tv together, we have "our" show. We sleep together, we talk, we eat together.

None of this will change.

All that will change is other people's perception of what is happening.
All that will change is the assumption that tomorrow may be different from today.

He didn't foresee my reaction; I didn't foresee him asking.

My gut reaction, my first reaction, was joy.
That counts for something.
I really like this boy.

Maybe we can make this work, I'm just not sure I'm ready to stick a label on it and let myself become half of a whole rather than a single autonomous unit who just hangs around a LOT with another autonomous unit.

Solution: He is a good person. He will not wrong you intentionally. Take your insecurities and your fear and see them for what they are; a type of paranoia. The question is not whether he'll be a huge douche to you; you'd know by now if he was. The question is, do you genuinely want this, is the fear a front for a genuine objection or is it purely irrational?

Good questions both.

I am enjoying knowing that I could kiss anybody I liked tomorrow and not feel bad about it.
I'd not feel bad about it if he kissed someone else. Kissing is great.

But is it worth losing him over some losses of personal freedom? Unlikely.

I feel that I have hurt him by not just saying yes and that being that. He obviously had a very different idea of where I was at, and more importantly, why I was there.
Exclusivity was always his prerequisite and one I've been happy to abide by. However once I expressed a desire to see other people, nothing was said. After I actually saw other people though? After there was a chance of getting together with one of those people? Better ask me out.


Well this has cleared some stuff up but I'm still unsure of where I stand. I think at present, on balance I'd prefer to stay as we are. If that's not an option, I'm unsure. Labels are not an option for me right now, but that's really the only difference between that scenario and this one. It's purely a linguistic conundrum.

I feel like life as a single lady has finally clicked into gear and things are starting to happen. And I'm ok with them happening. I don't know if I'm ready to give up the things I'm learning and exploring because every day I feel a little more confident in myself, a little more secure, a little more daring.
But we're already exclusive, that much hasn't changed. The only difference is that wasn't the default position before and it wasn't forward-facing. It was we are exclusive today, but if I meet someone tomorrow that's ok. It was I won't sleep with anybody but you whilst we are together. It didn't extend to the future.

That's the real question. That's the one I need to focus on. The rest is a distraction.

We are already exclusive. The question is - the only question I need to focus on - do I want to stay that way indefinitely?

I have NO idea. Part of me says yes, part of me says maybe not. Gotta sleep on that one.